War is coming to Game of Thrones, and soon. Stannis Baratheon’s ships are one day away from King’s Landing, so this week we see everyone preparing for war. Joffrey and Theon are cocky, Tyrion and Varys are consumed with figuring out how to keep playing the game and Robb Stark finally gets laid. As for Jon Snow, I’m pretty sure he’s going to become Severus Snape.

Tyrion’s Battle Plans

At King’s Landing Tyrion is busy trying to figure out how best to defend the castle against Stannis Baratheon’s eminent attack. He’s having a hard time putting together a plan, even harder when Cersei threatens the life of his whore. Thankfully it’s not Shae, who is fine.

As for Joffrey, he has delusions of fighting in the upcoming battle, meeting Uncle Stannis and stabbing him. I’d like to see Joffrey try. Whatever happens, I’m going to be shocked if Joffrey survives next week’s battle.

Tyrion and Varys then engage in a brilliant discussion about playing the game of thrones, even though it seems like their time is almost up with Stannis about to kill them all. Both men are desperate for a way out, and then the strangest thing ever happens. Varys points out that Daenerys is still alive and in Qarth and has dragons, and that in a few years when the dragons are fully grown, the game will be over because nobody can beat a dragon. I can’t believe someone actually mentioned Daenerys and that her subplot is somehow related to another character.

Theon is Worthless

So last week Theon strung up two burned boys and now claims they are Bran and Rickon Stark. Obviously that’s not true, but everyone seems to believe it. His sister Yara arrives to let him know that Theon is totally useless and that taking Winterfell isn’t very impressive because it’s so far inland that it’s not the kind of place Islanders like the Greyjoys would take. Even when Theon thinks he’s doing something impressive, his family still craps all over him. Will he ever realize what a mistake it was turning against the Starks? Sure, he was their prisoner, but at least they didn’t treat him this poorly.

In a move that highlights just how ineffective Theon is, we learn that the Stark boys are actually hiding out in the tombs below Winterfell. They’re right under his nose and he doesn’t even realize it!

Robb Gets Some Action

Robb Stark spends the day flirting with Talisa, talking about their pasts. In between dates he takes time out to arrest his own mother because she let Jaime Lannister escape as part of her deal with Petry Baelish to get her daughters back.

With that sorted out, Talisa tells Robb a sad story about how her brother almost died, and as a result the two get naked and make hot, sweaty love. It’s a lot more pleasant to watch than all those times Theon gets laid.

Arya Escapes

Tywin Lannister decides to go off and fight Robb Stark while he’s distracted with Theon taking Winterfell, which upsets Arya. She tries to find Jaqen so she can make her third Death Wish for Tywin, but she can’t find him in time.

Instead, Arya becomes even more bad-ass than ever before by finding Jaqen and naming her third Death Wish: Jaqen himself! That’s right, she orders him to kill himself, and the only way she’ll take it back is if he helps her and her friends (Hot Pie and Gendry, who has sadly started wearing a shirt while blacksmithing). Jaqen obliges and kills the guards, letting Arya and her friends walk straight through the gates of Harrenhal.

Jaime on the Run

Jaime Lannister is on the run, still in the custody of Brienne of Tarth, who has promised Catelyn that she will deliver him to King’s Landing to exchange him for Sansa and Arya. I can’t imagine that will end well, but I really want to see Brienne vs. Jaime. I also want to know who the three men are that Jaime thinks could take him in a fight. Based on a previous conversation, I’ll go with Loras Tyrell and the Mountain.

Stannis and Daenerys Prepare for War

In two brief scenes, we see Stannis preparing his catapults to take King’s Landing while telling Davos that he will be his Hand. I’m putting Davos Seaworth on my Game of Thrones fantasy team, because I think he’s gonna last a while.

Meanwhile, Daenerys is preparing to storm the House of the Undying where all the warlocks live to get her dragons back. She isn’t scared because she walked through fire and lived. I’m excited to see that magical showdown.

Jon Snow the Prisoner

North of the Wall, Grenn and Samwell stumble on some dragon glass buried by the First Men. I don’t know what that means, but I imagine it will be important at some point.

Elsewhere Jon Snow is taken hostage by the wildlings to be delivered to Manse Rayder, who Ygritte seems to think will be particularly interested in Ned Stark’s bastard. I’m guessing there’s more to this story than meets the eye. Is Manse Rayder somehow connected to the Stark family, or to the mysterious and unknown mother of Jon Snow?

The wildlings also have Qhorin as a hostage, and he seems to have a plan in mind. It sounds like Qhorin is going to pull a Dumbledore, trying to get Jon Snow to kill him (a la Snape) so that Snow can go deep undercover with Manse Rayder (Voldemort) to find out what his plans are. If you can’t tell, I recently watched Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.

Next week on Game of Thrones: In an episode written by book author George R.R. Martin, it’s time for war as Stannis invades King’s Landing.

(Image courtesy of HBO)

John Kubicek

Senior Writer, BuddyTV

John watches nearly every show on TV, but he specializes in sci-fi/fantasy like The Vampire DiariesSupernatural and True Blood. However, he can also be found writing about everything from Survivor and Glee to One Tree Hill and Smallville.