Last week, dozens of people across America were captivated by the crazy Southern fried antics on Farmer Wants a Wife.  In case you missed the series premiere, 10 city girls arrived in Missouri with the hopes of falling in love with a 29-year-old farmer named Matt Neustadt.  He became smitten with Christa after a romantic date involving mint juleps and longing glances, and he somehow tolerated Josie even though she’s completely insane.  In the end, Matt sent Stephanie home after she was unable to adjust to life in the country.

Tonight, Matt has the girls get down and dirty with some pigs, then takes them out on the town for a wild night of playing bingo with the elderly.

I’ve been haunted by the atrocious Farmer Wants a Wife theme song since I first heard it last week.  I’m convinced that the producers went back in time to 1993, attempted to recruit Salt-N-Pepa to sing the theme, were shocked when they turned down the opportunity, and then convinced the fifth cousin of Spinderella to warble the tune.  Yet, despite all of that, I still can’t get the song out of my brain.  Well played, producers.

It’s another fine day on the farm.  Lisa and Brooke like to start their morning with a wholesome Bible study, which shocks Christa since they were pulling high school pranks last week.  Farmer Matt shows up to have breakfast with the girls, and he lets all of them know that they’re going to be getting dirty with some pigs.

Matt points out that romping with the pigs isn’t a challenge, but simply an opportunity for him to see which girl is willing to get her hands dirty.  The ladies have to corral the pigs into a pen, then scrub them and make them look all pink and adorable.  Stacey accidentally slams her head into a wooden beam while chasing after one of the animals.  It’s pretty hilarious, which is why the editors make sure to show it to us twice.  Matt ends up being impressed with her ability to work through the pain.

After the pig wrangling, it’s time for everyone to use the communal shower outside.  This is really just an excuse to get Matt’s shirt off, which seems to be a recurring theme in this show.  Josie blurts out the question that many of the women are wondering: Does Matt want to take his wife for a “test drive” before marrying her (wink wink, nudge nudge)?  He says he would like to wait until marriage, which may be true, but somehow I doubt it.

Farmer Butterface comes back later wearing overalls, which isn’t a good look on anyone.  He lets Stacey know that she doesn’t have to participate in the challenge, but she says that she’s up for it despite her head injury.  In this week’s challenge, the ladies have to milk goats, spray paint an “X” on a cow, and clean out some nasty stalls.  Josie immediately calls taskmaster Matt a “son of a bitch” in her interview clip, but of course she doesn’t say that to his face.  The first girl to complete all of these chores will win immunity for the week.

Lisa is the first to complete the goat milking, but Krista is hot on her heels.  Josie putters around like a lazy troll and takes up her usual spot in last place.  Krista eventually pulls ahead and wins the challenge, which means she’ll be sticking around for one more week.

It’s time for some girl talk!  Lisa worries that Matt might still be a virgin, but Christa finds Lisa offensive because her short skirts practically show off her lady parts.

Apparently Matt’s idea of a fun evening is hanging out with a bunch of old crones, so he takes the ladies out to the bingo parlor.  Josie immediately starts asking everyone if they’re Republican, claiming that she can’t sit with them if they’re not.  She also says that she has a Master’s Degree in Education, though I have a feeling she got it from the local clown college.  That would explain her makeup as well.

While Josie continues being Josie, Lisa whisks Matt away for some alone time.  The other girls quickly chase after them and interrupt before any sparks can fly.  After the game comes to an end, Matt calls the girls up one by one and has them introduce themselves in front of the bingo biddies.  Surprisingly, everyone is rather tactful and no one embarrasses themselves too badly.  No one except Josie, of course.  She says that the Christians, the Jews, and the Catholics need to form an alliance to keep the world from coming to an end.  I guess all the other religions aren’t important in Josie’s utopia.

Once Josie is done with her Hitler impersonation, Matt sends the ladies away and asks the bingo bandits who he should send home.  Some say Lisa, others say Josie, and one guy thinks that all the girls are sexy and need to stay.  The poor guy obviously needs his glasses checked.

I’m kind of offended that Matt is holding the elimination in the bingo hall instead of the chicken coop.  I wonder if every elimination will have a different Southern theme.  Anyway, Matt hands out bingo cards and starts reading off numbers.  There’s only one unlucky lady without a bingo, and that lady is Josie.  She’s completely offended by her elimination, and immediately goes on a rant about how Matt is cheap because he picks flowers instead of buying them.  That thoughtless bastard!

I will say one thing about Josie: She’s certainly committed to being an awful, loudmouthed shrew.  After she’s eliminated, she goes back to the house and refuses to leave until she gets a gift.  She claims that she ruined two pairs of shoes during her time as a reality TV whore, so of course she deserves some sort of reward.  Matt talks to her crazy self on the phone and somehow remains classy and nice throughout the conversation.  Josie waits hours for Matt to arrive with a gift, but she eventually leaves after he neglects to show up.  He’s a smart man.

Since Farmer Matt is becoming more likable by the minute, I’ve decided not to refer to him as a butterface from now on.  Matt decides to go on a romantic date with Stacey this week, because he really loves a woman with a brutal head injury.  They have a nice time watching a movie outside, but then they talk through the entire thing, which is totally annoying.  Stacey admits that she’s not a virgin, then rambles on with her life story as they finish off a bottle of wine.

While Matt learns way too much about Stacey, the other ladies go out to a bar for a night of beers and girl talk.  Lisa and Brooke start flirting with the locals, which makes the other girls think that they’re completely fake and hypocritical.  They’ve gone from Bible thumping to rubbing up against old men in the span of one episode.  Classy!  Do they even care about Farmer Matt, or do they just want to wash their clothes on his abs?

– Don Williams, BuddyTV Staff Writer
(Image courtesy of the CW)


Staff Writer, BuddyTV