Previously on A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila: The contestants played Strip Craps, one of the classier competitions this show has done. Kreepy Kyle avoided elimination because Venezuelan Christian was drunk 24/7, and Fame was sent home because she was named after her greatest ambition.
The Message in the Bottle informs the contestants it’s time for Tila Tequila’s Second Annual Bi-Athlon. The entire race must be run while wearing a wet suit and flippers, through a kiddie pool, into the real pool to retrieve a pearl necklace, into another kiddie pool to get an assigned blue ball in their mouths, and down the Slip ‘n’ Slide. Chad lets us know that women love his pearl necklaces. Either you get that joke or you don’t, and if you do, hopefully it makes you love Chad as much as I do.
The men get off to a good start, but in order to promote stereotypes, Dominic, the black guy, can’t swim. Samantha has trouble getting a ball in her mouth, which isn’t as subtly clever as Chad’s sexual pun. Scotty laps the women, but then Ryan struggles getting the ball. Jay is proud to “rep” Jersey, and as a native of the Garden State, I assure you we don’t all talk like that. Chad is the last guy and has problems getting the ball in his mouth, and Lisa, the last girl, catches up. After plenty of drama, Lisa gets the ball and the lesbians win.
For their victory date, the women go to Tila Tequila’s sex ed class. Tila is wielding a ruler while the ladies are all in school girl outfits. Tila orders her students to right “I love Tila” 25 times on the chalkboard, and as the winner, Lisa gets some alone time. Lisa spends the time asking why she was in the bottom last episode, and Tila claims it’s because after Kreepy Kyle interrupted them, Lisa backed down. Back in the classroom, the girls have the naughtiest Show and Tell ever, complete with a Robo-Spanker. Lauryn gets some alone time, and she says she’s friends with everyone in the house.
Back in the bedroom, Chad organizes a massive panty raid. It turns into the men running around wearing the lesbians’ panties and acting like idiots. Seriously, this season is actively making us root against the men, because they’re all such juvenile frat boys.
The ladies get back from their date and see their underwear strewn across the room. Chad puts the blame on Scotty. For some reason, Kristy and Jay get into a fight in which Kristy calls his mother a ho, then Samantha starts crying. This house is full of bi-polar disorders.
The men go on their date, which is a Loser’s Prom. Chad makes me love him even more by saying it looks like the Enchanted Under the Sea prom from Back to the Future, one of my favorite movies. They take prom photos, and Ryan “accidentally” lifts her (and her skirt) up. She still thinks he’s hot, but he kisses like a dead frog. Bo tries to talk to Tila, but it’s interrupted by Chad and Jay heckling him, shouting “Bo has a camel toe.”
The next day brings another Message in a Bottle, which informs them a disgusting eating challenge lays ahead. The Conveyor Belch includes various shots of stuff like tartar sauce. The team that takes the most shots wins the last date before elimination. There’s canola oil, vinegar and a whole lot of vomit. I can’t emphasize that last one enough. The guys finished 64 shots but the ladies got 68. The women are excited, but only for a short time. To determine who gets the special solo date, the ladies must first eat a pig’s vagina. The winning lady has to pick one guy to join the date.
The girls drop out like flies, leaving Lauryn, Lisa and Sirbrina. Lisa wins yet again, but in the world of life, being the one who eats a pig’s vagina the fastest doesn’t really make you a winner. Lisa chooses Dominic to join her on her date. Tila says she likes aggressive women, so Lisa goes for it. Dominic steps in and wants to know how Tila got into girls, and we get a sexy cheerleader story. Dominic then claims bisexuality is just a phase and true bisexuals are mythical creatures.
A Shot at Love 2 Elimination Time! Two men and two women are heading home. Chad gets a key! For the guys, it boils down to Ryan, Dominic and Bo. Bo gets the key, so Dead Frog Kisser Ryan and “I Don’t Believe in Bisexuals” Dominic are gone. The final three ladies are Samantha, V and Lauryn. Samantha remains, so Friend Zone Lauryn and V (no clever nickname, because her elimination makes no sense) go home.
Next week on A Shot at Love 2: A mechanical bull and lots of exposed breasts. Also, Chad gets into a fight, so sadly, he’ll probably go home.
-John Kubicek, BuddyTV Senior Writer
(Image courtesy of MTV)