Live from Hollywood, it’s Dancing with the Stars! Without Laurel Brown! Yes, your usual BuddyTV DWTS expert is on assignment tonight in Hotlanta chilling with Buffy’s ex Riley Finn on the set of USA’s Necessary Roughness. So for one night only, I’m here to service your dancing needs.
WARNING: I am quite obsessed with Derek Hough, and tonight he’s doing my favorite dance, the Paso Doble, so I apologize in advance if I gush. I’m also still incredibly bitter about the one season of Dancing with the Stars I actually watched and recapped, when Mya was robbed of the Mirror Ball by Donny Osmond. Now let’s get ready to rumbaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!
It’s Classical Night! And if the violin solo from Joshua Bell, who looks a bit like a floppy-haired young Mark Cuban, isn’t a dead giveaway, the Victorian era costumes and corsets sure are. I’m scared that Brooke “Salieri” Burke Charvet is plotting something sinister to dethrone Tom Bergeron.
Also, tomorrow is the final dance duel and next week is a DOUBLE ELIMINATION!
Costume Watch: Mark Ballas is totally shirtless and wearing a cape. I have no words to describe how silly it looks, sort of like a superhero in a children’s book.
Katherine Jenkins and Mark Ballas: Rumba
Katherine is excited cuz she knows classical music. She should also be excited because the routine involves grabbing herself a big chunk of Ballas butt (putting the “ass” in “classical”). Tom describes the costumes as “Game of Thrones: The Musical.” Oh no, I think Mark is supposed to be Khal Drogo. That’s just so wrong and so ridiculous on every conceivable level.
Khal Ballas and Daenerys Jenkins!
The dancing is pretty excellent, though the shirtless Mark Ballas and the Game of Thrones reference distract me, as does the fact that it’s more romantic than sexual. Bruno Tonioli wishes it was raunchier to get his juices flowing, which is a visual I did not need. Carrie Ann Inaba agrees about needing some more chemistry and sexual attraction in a rumba.
So even when the judges criticize them, they still get a 27?
Melissa Gilbert and Maksim Chmerkovskiy: Argentine Tango
Maksim is injured. Tom says that about 47 times, so you know it’s a big deal. Maks decides to bring his brother Val in for rehearsals. Two Chmerkovskiys for the price of one? That’s one lucky lady. But not knowing if she’ll be dancing with Maks or Val makes rehearsals troublesome.
She’s dancing with Maks, and the entire routine has him manhandling her and lifting her above his head like she’s a feather. It’s a good routine, but Melissa seems terrified to me the entire time. Bruno agrees and has real issues with it. Carrie Ann calls it “Cirque du Soleil gone terribly wrong.” Yikes, Melissa is getting hammered.
Get ready for that dance duel, Melissa and Maks.
William Levy and Cheryl Burke: Viennese Waltz
This is all about sophistication and content, a chance to show the world that William is more than just a pretty face and a hot body. The fog machines are in full effect (which is good for him because the judges can’t see all the footwork) and Jackie Evancho sings in the background.
It’s pretty darn romantic and he did a great job stripping away the sex. I feel like Len Goodman: It was close, but not totally transformative. That doesn’t matter because the ladies in the audience erupt like the Beatles, Elvis and Justin Bieber all performed together.
Wow, I didn’t think it was as good as Katherine, but whatever. I see the judges are all synced up tonight.
Roshon Fegan and Chelsie Hightower: Argentine Tango
This week the goal is to make Roshon more likeable and less like Bruno Mars’ d-bag teen brother. Roshon goes to Val Chmerkovskiy for some advice on how to be a man. It’s sad that he needs lessons on that.
Holy crap, they’re dancing to an orchestral version of Lady Gaga’s “Bad Romance.” It’s impossible to take this dance seriously with that song playing because I was giggling the whole time. Aside from the fact that it kind of fell apart at the end, it was OK, but a little “wobbly,” as Bruno says. Carrie Ann LOVED it.
That seems about right, and there’s a good chance he’ll be dueling again this week.
Donald Driver and Peta Murgatroyd: Viennese Waltz
Donald is bringing it because he is very competitive. He doesn’t even let his kids beat him at marbles! They’re in full-on classical costumes, opening by sitting in thrones like the king and queen.
King Driver and Queen Peta
And it’s everything I’ve wanted from classical night. He nailed it as far as I’m concerned, bringing the classical sense the first four performances were lacking. Carrie Ann didn’t see a lift and she takes the words out of my mouth when she calls it “regal.”
Man, what is it going to take to get a freaking 10 tonight?
Maria Menounos and Derek Hough: Paso Doble
They’re doing a tragic love story, and rehearsal seems to be quite combative. Darn it, I want light, funny, silly Derek back.
Awesome! He’s a vampire slayer and she’s the vampire he’s trying to kill. It’s a Vampire Paso Doble with a shirtless Derek Hough, which is about 17 kinds of amazing. The whole thing works perfectly. And it ends with her biting and killing him. Here come the 10s!
WOOHOO! The first perfect score of the season! Derek Hough is the best! OK, I’m done gushing. For now.
Jaleel White and Kym Johnson: Vienne Waltz
These two joke around a lot and seem to have the best relationship of any of the couples She even gives him a talking stuffed koala bear.
Wow, that routine was hauntingly beautiful. I was entranced and couldn’t stop watching, like a dream. Len doesn’t like the footwork and it apparently had quite a few technical issues, but it certainly FELT great.
That’s about right, but I think it was more impressive than Roshon’s dance, so he should be fine.
Team Tango: Katherine and Mark, Maria and Derek, Jaleel and Kym, Roshon and Chelsie
Katherine and William got to pick their teams, schoolyard style, and it’s worth noting Roshon was the last one chosen. During rehearsals, Mark and Derek play a little wife swap with Katherine and Maria, which makes me love the Ballas-Hough connection even more. They also note this team has seven Mirror Ball trophies between them (two each for Mark and Kym and three for Derek) while the other team has just (and they’re both Cheryl’s).
Words alone can’t express how unbelievably AMAZING that was. They’re all in tuxedos and it was like a non-stop assault of awesomeness. It’s pretty much every bit as good as Derek’s Vampaso Doble for me. Len didn’t like a lot of it, but all the judges agree that Roshon was particularly strong. Funny that the guy picked last turned out to be the best.
Wow, all three judges disagreed, that’s unusual.
Team Paso Doble: William and Cheryl, Donald and Peta, Melissa and Maksim
They spend some time making fun of how the other team is full of boys and this team is all men. That’s pretty much spot-on, and it works for the Paso Doble because it’s a dance that requires macho men, and Roshon would not be able to pull that off. William objects to being treated like a piece of meat when everyone demands he take his shirt off. I refuse to feel sympathy for anyone that hot.
The Hot, Shirtless Men of Team Paso
The performance itself was as powerful and masculine as you could want, and it dominated. It was definitely sloppy and uncoordinated, but who cares? Bruno Tonioli’s dreams come true when all three shirtless men jump all over him.
That sounds right. The audience may have gone nuts for it (and they boo a lot) but it was really sloppy.
57: Maria and Derek
54: Katherine and Mark
53: William and Cheryl
53: Donald and Peta
52: Roshon and Chelsie
51: Jaleel and Kym
47: Melissa and Maksim
I think it’s safe to say the dance duel will be between two of the bottom three teams on that last.
It was certainly an exciting Classical Night with hot shirtless men and the first perfect score of the season. It’s pretty much everything you want in a performance show of Dancing with the Stars, with vampires.
(Image courtesy of ABC)