Do not watch Charlie’s Angels.

If you feel the need to watch Charlie’s Angels, we suggest finding an old episode of the 1970s classic and enjoying Farrah Fawcett and company toss their hair while solving crime. Should this not work for you, perhaps you could watch the Drew Barrymore film version from 2000. Heck, you could even go crazy and watch the 2003 sequel.

Maybe you’re just looking for hot women kicking butt. If that’s the case, still don’t watch Charlie’s Angels. Watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer or Alias or Covert Affairs or Fringe or one of the many other, superior shows displaying actual girl power.

But, for heaven’s sake, don’t watch the new version of Charlie’s Angels. We promise you’ll regret it.

Should you, by some accident or masochistic urge, end up disregarding this warning and watching Charlie’s Angels, here are the reasons you will be sorry:

  • The plot doesn’t work: Without spoiling the “plot” of the Charlie’s Angels pilot, I can tell you that solving the crime hinges on a lot of luck, labored exposition and a wholly unbelievable method for identifying the bad guy.
  • They’re bad people: Of course, we’re supposed to sympathize with the Angels (Minka Kelly, Annie Ilonzeh and Rachael Taylor), despite their gritty pasts. But seriously? They’re all criminals. They’re criminals who stayed out of jail on the whims of the absent Charlie.
  • Charlie is creepy: As is his whole Angels operation.
  • Escapism needs a better destination: You might want an escapist fantasy from Charlie’s Angels. The show does escape reality. But Charlie’s Angels never takes you anywhere interesting. Pretty and stylish, maybe. But not interesting.
  • Bosley: In the original and film versions of Charlie’s Angels, Bosley was a bumbling, somewhat unattractive fellow. In this remake, he’s super-hot Ramon Rodriguez, with skills to match his looks. And yet the Angels still treat him like a doofus. 
  • There are better ways to get your Minka Kelly fix: Get some DVDs and watch Friday Night Lights. Or check out her appearances on Parenthood. Don’t spoil Minka Kelly by watching Charlie’s Angels.
  • How many more remakes do we want? If Charlie’s Angels succeeds, you can bet that the networks will be shoving remake after remake down our throats for the next few years. Do you really want updated versions of The Partridge Family or Lassie?

Charlie’s Angels premieres on ABC at 8pm on Thursday, September 22.

But please, do not watch Charlie’s Angels. You have been warned.

(Image courtesy of ABC)

Laurel Brown

Senior Writer, BuddyTV

Laurel grew up in Mamaroneck, NY, Grosse Pointe, MI and Bellevue WA. She then went on to live in places like Boston, Tucson, Houston, Wales, Tanzania, Prince Edward Island and New York City before heading back to Seattle. Ever since early childhood, when she became addicted to The Muppet Show, Laurel has watched far too much TV. Current favorites include ChuckModern FamilySupernaturalMad Men and Community. Laurel received a BA in Astrophysics (yes, that is possible) from Colgate University and a PhD in Middle Eastern Studies and History of Science from Columbia University before she realized that television is much better than studying.