Here we are, the last hurdle before the final vote on Big Brother 8.  Though they’ve already been played and live feeds have spoiled the results, we’ll get to see the first two parts of the final Head of Household competition and discover the winners, who will compete live tonight in the final competition to decide who is the last HoH, then we’ll get to see that person decide who is being evicted, and who is the other person going to the final two.

Foul-mouthed Dick, his Veto Queen daughter Daniele, and ogreish graphic designer Zach are Big Brother 8‘s final three.  For Zach, it’s win or leave, there’s no middle ground.  One of the Donatos is guaranteed a seat in the final two, but will it be a family affair?  And will Julie Chen screw up the final HoH competition?  We’re here, live, for tonight’s episode!

The “previously on” announcer is more biased than usual, talking about how Zach “betrayed” the Donatos.  Yeah, because they didn’t betray Eric and Jessica the week before.

Julie Chen is alliteration happy, calling the Donatos the “dominant duo.”

Bunny Hop!  Back to where last episode ended, with the three holding a key, on a carrot, jumping over a bunny, in the rain.

Dick says the goal is for him and his daughter to win the first two parts.  Really, I thought losing was the goal?

Daniele will freak if the task ahas cold water.  Bring on the cold water!  I doubt she’s unfamiliar with wet t-shirt contests.

One hour in, it is kind of unfair.  Zach has a hat to protect him from the rain.  Dick and Daniele are both in sleeveless numbers.

Dick is trash talking a storm.  It’s positively astounding, the things he says.

Daniele is freezing, then gets tripped by the bunny and falls.  She’s crying hard, though it’s not clear if it’s because of the hypothermia or because she lost.

Zach starts imitating and mocking Dick, screaming out loud, and it’s so damn funny.  Zach rules.

Four hours in, Daniele shows up wrapped in a blanket, talking about how her dad needs to win.Five hours in, Daniele is whispering support to her dad, saying “I love you.”

Dick almost has a moment of earnestness saying “Good job, Zach” because it’s really hard.  Seven hours in, I agree, they’re both impressive.

Dick wants to quit, and Daniele is coaxing him to stick with it because Zach is hurting, which he doesn’t appear to be.  It’s guilt trip-apalooza with her.

Daniele is saying it’s OK if he can’t do it, and at seven hours, 32 minutes, he quits.  The music and her speech will have you believe it’s the most honorable thing in the world.  God, these producers really want America to vote for him to win.

Zach is all class, helping the wet and weak Dick back into the house.  Dick recuperates by…smoking a cigarette.  It’s stunning he lasted more than one hour.

“I didn’t just let myself down, I let my daughter down.”  Leave it to Dick to turn Zach’s impressive triumph into an emotional saga about his relationship with his daughter.

Zach proudly boasts that he broke Dick.  In the words of Phil Ken Sebben, “Ha ha!  Multiple entendre!”

Part 2!  Daniele is in a red bikini.  Male viewership of Sunday night’s episode will go down approximately 45 percent if she’s evicted.

It’s more water.  Dive into a pool, get puzzles pieces, move to another tank and build a puzzle that maps the order people were HoH.

Stuff happens, but the important thing to remember is: Daniele is in a red bikini, submerged under water.  The cameras seem positioned to get the best possible angles.

Dick says they’ve decided to both compete, neither of the Donatos are throwing the competition.  Dick in water: not so appealing, though he kindly left his wife beater on.

The winner is: Dick.  Two men fighting, the woman is left on the sidelines.  How old fashioned.

Dick is confident he’ll win and they’ll have a “fairy tale ending.”  Julie interviews the houseguests, and tosses a softball to Daniele about how much she and her father have formed a close bond.  Stop it, Julie!  They’re tainting the America’s Vote process by making their relationship look like anything more than artificial.  They know their story is good TV, and play it up as much as they can.

What’s going down in the Jury House?  Eric and Jessica are still flirting.  He totally balks at visiting her in Kansas.  Jameka shows up, and they’re sad to see the person they love the most.  Dustin implies Eric and Jessica are totally doing it.

They watch the video, and fall in love with Zach for nominating the Donatos.  If Zach wins the HoH, it’s over.  I cannot imagine any scenario where he wouldn’t squash either Donato like a bug in the final vote.

Final HoH!!!  I’m so dang excited.  It’s all trivia, with multiple choice.  Come on, it’s the best you could get for the final?

Question 1: Dick goes up 1-0.  Damn.

Question 2: Jen says the strongest competitor in the house was her.  Both get it wrong.

Question 3: Same answer again, both right.  2-1.

Question 4: Same answer, they both get it wrong.

Question 5: Both right.

Question 6 (final): Same answer, damnit!

Dick wins.  Sigh.  Daniele screams.  “We did it, we did it, we did it.”  Almost like they were never enemies, and posing as such was a ruse to get in.

Ugh, just…I’ll finish up this recap, but what’s the point?  Dick and Daniele go to the final two.  Do I care who wins?  No.  They both played as one for the whole time, and voting for one is just as bad as voting for the other.  Remember “enemies”?  Yeah, great idea, Big Brother producers.  An “estranged” father and daughter?  Please, I’ve gone two years without talking to family members, it just means we’re not close, not that we’re “enemies.”

Julie is back, pretending that his eviction is actually up for grabs.  She admits they have to go through “the formal steps,” but why?  It’s a huge farce.  Who will it be?

Dick evicts Zach.  Dick screams about how they won the whole thing.  Even in ultimate victory, he is ungracious as ever.

About the finale, Dick says, “It doesn’t even matter what happens.  Who cares?”  He’s right.  I don’t believe for a second these two ever disliked each other.  All the money is going into a communal Donato pot.

Zach tells Julie what we all know: Dick’s tactics were deplorable, but they worked on the other HGs.  Zach admits he only put the Donatos up to try to win over Jameka in case he made the finals to get her vote.  Genius!

In farewell messages, Daniele and Dick continue to talk about how much better they are than him.

America’s Vote: who should win, Dick or Daniele?  Screw this, now Eric gets to campaign for the person in the Jury House?  Jesus, how freaking screwed up is Big Brother making this game?  This season did not resemble the real game at all.  America’s Player and the family connection together actively destroyed any integrity in this outcome.

We see Dick ranting about how they’re the best team to ever play this game.  Exactly…it’s a lot easier when you’re the only team in the house.

Somehow this show needs to milk two more hours out of this.  In the words of Dick, who cares?

-John Kubicek, BuddyTV Senior Writer
(Image courtesy of BigBrotherCaps)

John Kubicek

Senior Writer, BuddyTV

John watches nearly every show on TV, but he specializes in sci-fi/fantasy like The Vampire DiariesSupernatural and True Blood. However, he can also be found writing about everything from Survivor and Glee to One Tree Hill and Smallville.