A not-so-long time ago in a Big Brother house far, far away…
Welcome to an all Star Wars-themed recap of Big Brother 11! Darth Ronnie joined the Dark Side (aka Jessie, Russell, Natalie, Lydia, Kevin and Chima) while turning his back on the Force (Jeff, Jordan, Laura, Casey and Michele). Therefore, I’m going geek and doing a special Star Wars recap. However, write not like Yoda I will, or aching your head will be.
Before getting into it, let me introduce the cast:
Jeff Solo: The hero and leader of the Force
Casey-bacca: His trusty sidekick and comic relief
Queen Jordan-dala: The beautiful female leader
Princess Laura: The strong, independent woman
Michele Windu: The brains of the operation who still has a connection to Ronnie
The Dark Side:
Darth Ronnie: Formerly Ronakin Skywalker, he has turned against the Force and now fights for the Dark Side
Emperor Russell-tine: The insidious manipulator who tricks Darth Ronnie into joining his side
Jessie the Hut: The large disgusting useless object in the house
Grand Moff Kevin: A mindless pilot who goes along for the ride
Lydia Calrissian: The one who first betrayed her friends and sold out Braden to the Dark Side
Natalie Fett: The loyal servant who brings things to Jessie
General Chima-us: The evil, bitchy droid leader
After the nomination ceremony, Darth Ronnie’s true motives are revealed. Princess Laura is furious and upset because she was the only one smart enough to defeat Darth Ronnie. Jeff Solo acts as though his nomination is no big deal, but Darth Ronnie isn’t done playing around.
He tells Jeff Solo and Princess Laura that he has a master plan to use the Power of Veto to turn the tables back to their side. The force is strong with you, young Padawan.
But Emperor Russell-tine still has a few tricks up his sleeve. He cozies up to the Force and wants to stop talking about the game, so when he goes inside, he explodes on Lydia for talking about the game. Is this a real crack in his armor and alliance, or is he trying to find support from the Force since he knows he already has the Dark Side?
Lydia Calrissian is still upset over the Emperor’s outburst, so like always, she wants to betray her friends and backdoor him. Oh Lydia, don’t you know that aligning yourself with Darth Ronnie never ends well.
Queen Jordan-dala might rule Naboo, but clearly part of her royal training wasn’t math. The girl has no idea how to tell time and she doesn’t know what a quarter of an hour is.
Casey-bacca and General Chima-us form an uneasy alliance to celebrate their reward of watching the Katherine Heigl film The Ugly Truth. Even a droid like Chima-us can’t resist the mighty 300 abs of Gerard Butler.
For the PoV competition, Darth Ronnie chooses his lord and master, Emperor Russell-tine. Princess Laura gets another jock with Natalie Fett. Meanwhile, Jeff Solo gets lucky and is joined by his best friend in the whole wide universe, Casey-bacca.
Power of Veto – Episode II: Attack of the Coins
There are piles of money on the ground, and in each round, the contestants have two minutes to collect a certain amount of money. The person farthest from the real value is eliminated, and the winner has the choice to take a special mystery gift prize, but by doing so, you eliminate yourself.
Round 1: $100 in Quarters
Natalie Fett might be good at collecting bounties, but not at money as she’s off by more than $460. Luckily Darth Ronnie either threw the competition or he’s a total moron, because he has more than $500 off and is eliminated while Jeff Solo wins.
Round 2: $75 in Dimes
Laura is a greedy, spoiled princess who takes way too much money and loses. For the second round in a row, the dashing Jeff Solo is victorious.
Round 3: $40 in Nickels
Casey-bacca is one bad Wookie as he gets eliminated, and Natalie Fett wins for the first time and, since bounty hunters are always out for herself, she takes a mystery bag and gets a Slop Pass.
Round 4: $10 in Pennies
It’s good vs. evil, Emperor Russell-tine vs. Jeff Solo, Shotgun vs. Tecnotronics. The Dark Side collects $8.59 while the Force gets $10.97.
Good triumphs over evil, and Jeff Solo wins the Power of Veto!
Darth Ronnie meets with his non-jock minions to consider doing what’s right, using the force for good and backdooring Emperor Russell-tine. They go to Princess Laura and tell her the plan, wanting a promise that if she wins HoH, she won’t target any of them. Princess Laura blindly agrees.
Next on his docket is for Darth Ronnie to recruit Jessie the Hutt and Natalie Fett. The bounty hunter is all for it, but the Hutt wants to keep Princess Laura chained to the block and protect his Emperor. However, he’ll go with the flow, mostly because his mobility is very limited.
So all the pieces are in place, and despite being tempted by the Dark Side, it looks as though Ronakin Skywalker may not give in. However, that’s not the way the movie ends, and we all know it.
Power of Veto Ceremony
As expected, Jeff Solo uses the Power of Veto to bust himself out of his frozen carbonite nomination. It looks like the Force will finally win, and then Darth Ronnie puts up Queen Jordan-dala, betraying her just like Anakin did to Padme.
Why would he make this move out of nowhere? Well, Darth Ronnie is afraid that Princess Laura has finally caught onto his master plan. And fear leads to anger that she might expose him. Anger leads to hate. And hate leads to suffering. In this case, it’s the suffering of Princess Laura, the viewing audience, logic and reason.
Because what Darth Ronnie fails to notice is that he told everyone about his plan to backdoor Princess Laura, and Grand Moff Kevin, Lydia Calrissian and General Chima-us were all right next to him when he told Princess Laura that he was 99.9 percent certain he would backdoor Emperor Russell-tine. So his fear of being discovered as a liar is ruined by the fact that, in order to evict one person who knows his secret, he revealed his secret to everyone.
On Thursday, either Carrie Fisher or Natalie Portman will go home. I guess there’s no room in the Big Brother universe for a strong and independent woman.
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