Only three more days until the big Bachelor Pad finale! But who can wait that long? Not me, which means not nobody, not no-how. So make sure to grab yourself some Wait Mate for the weekend, but not before reading this latest INSANE batch of Bachelor news bits. Seriously. This franchise is spinning out of control, and ever closer to H-E-double-hockey-sticks.
Jake Pavelka is going to get hated on by his #1 hater in the CW’s H8R premiere. Which is SO WEIRD because I don’t remember getting any emails about being on that show, nor do I remember filming the episode! I guess that will just be extra-exciting to watch myself on TV! Because there’s just no other explanation! I wonder if I wore denim-on-denim just to mock him? I bet I did. That’s something that I would do, as Jake Pavelka’s #1 hater on this planet, NAY, in this solar system. So be sure to tune in to H8R on Wednesday, September 14 at 8pm to watch ME, in some sort of dream state, hate all over Jake Pavelka!!!! And then never tune in again, because that show looks terrible.
“That is what’s wrong with you plastics! You think that everybody is in love with you, when actually everybody hates you.” It turns out Ella Nolan is the fellow Bachelor Padder whom Erica Rose was referring to when she told us that someone besides Vienna had gone to her father to get some plastic surgery done. And HOLY MOLY did Ella get work done! Five procedures in all, including a nose job, boob job, a bunch of liposuction, and judging from those photos, she also got her eyes squintified and her belly button removed? All the work was free (…publicity for Dr. Franklin Rose), so at least Ella got something out of being on Bachelor Pad, even if it was “fat sucked out of her thighs” instead of “a bunch of money to give to battered women.” FEMINISM!
Someone punched Justin “Rated R” Rego in the face at the Bachelor Pad finale “after party”! Does it even matter who? Is it bad if I say that I wish it had been me? OK, since I can’t hear you, I’ll just answer my own questions: Yes, and rumor has it that Graham Bunn delivered the blow; and no, it’s totally not bad because his face is just so punchable. (I’m sure that’s the defense that will hold up when Justin takes Graham to court.)
Another rumor says that Blake and Holly were paid to get engaged! (If you’re just joining us: Yes, Blake and Holly are engaged.) This uncited article says they got $25,000 (from ABC?) to make it official, while a slightly less damning account says Blake got a free ring and then sold the photos and story to a tabloid. Quoth the Reality Steve: “Just like on the Bachelor or Bachelorette, this whole “lets film the proposal and give Holly a ring” was a complete set up paid for by Neil Lane. Blake didn’t buy Holly anything. This was all done for TV purposes, Blake didn’t buy any ring, and this story has already been sold a tabloid. I’m not sure which one yet, but after the episode airs Monday, you’ll see some tabloid running with the pictures of the ring and pics from the proposal. Sickening.” It’s like you can’t trust anybody, not even your least favorite backwashed reality dating show contestants, anymore. Once again, this time with even more feeling*: I’M SURE THEY WILL BE HAPPY FOREVER AND EVER AND EVERRRRR!!! (*The feeling is sarcasm.)
And, in other Bachelor news…
Bachelor Ben is full of gratitude, wonder and fear. At least that’s what I’m seeing from the 140 characters he posted to Twitter yesterday. #ahhhh!
“If the worst thing I’ll ever do in my life is hook up with a big-boobed blonde in Tampa, I’m doing pretty good.” It is no small feat that, even against the walking, talking nightmares of Bachelor Pad 2, Dave Good can still take a solid stab at being The Grossest. And now I’m officially a high school newspaper gossip columnist. ARE YOU HAPPY?
Lastly, let’s end this roundup on a philosophical note: Um. Er. Uh. Maybe Herb knows?
(Image courtesy of ABC)