There’s no need to be ashamed. Sometimes, too much of a bad thing just isn’t enough, I know. You watched the three-hour premiere, you read the (hilarious, impressive, novel-sized) recap, but still, so many of your burning Bachelor Pad questions remain, such as:
Where is the first place Rated R went after he got eliminated? What did Princess Erica, the sleeper star of this season (because she always looks like she’s about to pass out), think of the premiere? And what does Chris Harrison think about hosting the longest, trashiest show on TV?
The answers, and more Bachelor Pad bits to satiate your bottomless appetite, below:
First and foremost: I made this today, just for you. Did you see it yet? Did you like it? If you didn’t like it, please don’t tell me. But if you did like it, feel free to tell me constantly.
Diaries of the Departed: The first two Padders eliminated from the “game,” Alli and Justin represent two of the many ugly outcomes that can happen when you decide to give yourself over to a televised horror-smut-fest. If you’re like Alli, you may realize a little too late that because you quit your job, abandoned your real friends and bought a bunch of dresses, all for the chance to become slightly less employable/likable than you started, you don’t just leave with nothing. You leave with less than nothing. And if you’re like Justin (God help you if you are) you may find you’ve painted yourself into a corner: How do you still act like you’re The Best when, by the very definition of how a game works, you were eliminated first and are thus officially The Worst? The answer: Go even bigger! Never back down! Proclaim your everlasting superiority even while you look like you might cry!
Ugh. Justin. If I ever see that chum-bucket of a “human” on my TV again, I’m writing a letter to my senator.
MORE BACHELOR PAD PREMIERE VIDEOS: Watch Vienna show off her grill skills, and watch giddy Jackie and wise, wise Ames fall deeper and deeper in like. Say it with me: WE WANT! MORE AMES!
Uh oh: By the magical power of filming delay, it’s like we can see into the future and find out what destiny has planned for Ames and Jackie. And it’s not a flock of Oompa Loompa babies. 🙁 OK, so say THIS with me, then: WE WANT! AMES FOR! BACHE-LOR! [Wetpaint]
“What they decided to do with that rose changed this game forever. An innocent act of kindness thought up by Jackie set in motion a chain of events that will affect everything about this season.”: Chris Harrison blogs the Bachelor Pad premiere; apparently got a really good deal on a big pack of “extreme & lofty superlatives” at Costco. [EW]
ERICA ROSE HAS HER OWN YOUTUBE CHANNEL AND IS MAKING WEEKLY BACHELOR PAD RESPONSE VIDEOS CALLED “ROSE FOR ROSES” WHILE WEARING HER TIARA: Who do you think gave her all those roses? Why do you think she’s standing up against the wall like that? Is it always the same tiara or does she own a bunch? How many? Like, fifty? Muse about the answers in your own head while you listen to what goes on inside hers. Like: “You shouldn’t compare one person to another, like, that’s rude.” Oh, Erica. Bookmark immediately.
Chris Harrison visited Jimmy Kimmel Live last night, called his own show “that crap”: The longer his leash gets, the more I love him. Part 1, part 2.
Bachelor Pad gets its OWN spin-off: Hahahahaha. This is very good.
Tenley and Kiptyn are literally of one mind now: Here they are, sharing a brain and a byline as they give their insider take on last night’s premiere. [People]
“It is an infinite echo chamber of relationships that don’t really exist.”: This writer, NPR’s Linda Holmes, hates Bachelor Pad EVEN MORE THAN I DO. And yet she too, in turn, gets sucked in. I like her thoughts on how the vulgar tone of the show is surprisingly “incongruous” to the way The Bachelor/Bachelorette still tries to seem classy (in its marketing) and what that means for the people who have made appearing on these shows their primary purpose in life. Dumb show; fascinating stuff. [NPR]
(Image courtesy of ABC)