This episode of Bachelor in Paradise starts off with a dramatic rose ceremony. I’ve noticed that word gets thrown around pretty freely when it comes to The Bachelor/Bachelorette and their mutant offspring, BIP.
Spinster Clare — because apparently 34 is the new 54 — gets talked off the ledge by Chris Harrison and decides not to leave. If I were Clare, I would want to stick around and watch Jared pay the price for leading on Ashley I. Calm down, Clare. You’ve got an all-expense paid trip to paradise. Drink some mojitos, work on your tan and simmer down.
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Rose Before Bros
Clare winds up giving her rose to JJ. Yuck. Jonathan would have been a much better choice, but then again, nice guys don’t make good television.
Ashley I. gives her rose to Jared. No big shocker there. And Juelia, duped by Joe, gives him a rose, guaranteeing that he’ll dick her over in the week to come.
Jonathan, Mikey and Michael find themselves the odd men out and are sent home.
Joe’s Dream Girl Arrives
It’s the dawn of a new day, and with it comes a new arrival, Samantha (“Sam”). I know she was on Chris Soules’ season of The Bachelor, but she failed to make much of an impression on Chris or the viewers. She is a brunette, which will help me distinguish her from the bevy of blondes, who have become somewhat interchangeable.
Chris questions Sam about who she hopes will be in paradise, and she names Joe. She also tells Chris that she likes herself a bad boy, a habit she’s hoping to break.
Not only is Joe predictably thrilled to see her, but Juelia is as well. The two were chummy during their stint on The Bachelor. This situation has FUBAR written all over it.
As is customary, Sam is given a date card, and it takes her no time at all to immediately pick Joe. Jared asks Joe if he’d been in communication with Sam previous to the show, and he says no, but Tanner knows for a fact that the twosome had indeed been in contact. He heard it straight from the horse’s (ass) mouth, Joe. Tanner chooses not to call Joe out, which is a total bitch move, especially since he keeps claiming to feel so bad for Juelia.
Sam and Joe leave for their date, literally hand in hand. Juelia is left behind, and it’s finally starting to sink in that she’s been played.
Joe and Sam go to a luxury hotel and are met by the executive editor of People magazine. She informs the couple they will be participating in a photo shoot for a piece on “hot bodies.” The pictures will appear on the magazine’s website and in print for millions of readers to see.
The poses are pretty steamy, and Joe and Sam’s chemistry is palpable. It doesn’t take long before they start making out in front of the camera. After the photographer yells “cut,” the two take a soak in the hot tub, where they continue to smooch it up.
Joe and Sam return from their date, and both are beaming. Joe can’t stop bragging about what a fantastic time he had, in spite of the fact that Juelia is sitting a few feet away. She finally gets up and leaves with her cute, tone tail between her legs.
The Worst Apology Ever
Jared suggests that Joe talk to Juelia, but Joe refuses. This guy is definitely going down in the d-bag hall of fame. Joe doesn’t want to deal with some “Debbie Downer.” Jared, believing Joe is a stand-up guy, tries to convince his buddy that he owes it to Juelia to let her know he didn’t just use her for a rose because he knows Joe would never do something that shady.
Josh joins the conversation and tells Joe he needs to straighten things out with Juelia because she’s pretty depressed. Juelia is apparently being cast as an extra in the sequel to Girl, Interrupted. Typical. Joe went to Machiavellian lengths to convince the widow and single mom that he had good intentions so he could score a rose, and now that she’s utterly confused and upset she’s the crazy one.
Even though Joe thinks all’s fair in love and hooking up with hot brunettes, he finally relents and seeks Juelia out for “the talk.”
Juelia gets to speak her peace and tell Joe she feels disregarded and disrespected, but Joe doesn’t offer up anything resembling an explanation or an apology. He doesn’t make eye contact and abruptly ends the heart-to-hear with, “Well, I appreciate you taking the time, okay?” If I was Juelia, my next stop would be Samantha.
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Make or Break Time for Carly and Kirk
In other couple news, Carly confides to Jade that she’s ready to go all the way with Kirk. She thinks he’s hot and can’t figure out what he’s waiting for. Maybe he’s hoping she’ll dye her eyebrows to match the hair on her head. Am I the only one who finds the caterpillars above her eyes distracting?
Kirk is having a little bit of buyer’s remorse. He swore to himself he would take things slow, and now he finds himself hot and heavy in a monogamous relationship pretty much since day one.
Carly gets a date card, and while she’s hoping Kirk will round all the bases, Kirk’s not sure he’s ready to hit the ball out of the park.
Some disturbing news comes to light during Kirk and Carly’s date. She’s actually skipping her brother’s wedding to participate in this sociological experiment gone totally wrong. Kirk questions how she’s feeling being so far away when her brother is getting married, and Carly says she’s fine, as long as Kirk doesn’t go and break her heart in the end. Uh oh. If that isn’t quintessential foreshadowing, I don’t know what is.
While Kirk has been down for a good time, he’s fresh off a breakup, and Carly is ready for marriage and babies and marriage. Kirk tells her he’s not one to jump into relationships. Carly isn’t picking up what he’s putting down. She’s all giggly and can’t see that this guy is on the verge of bolting.
But then Carly calls her brother, and Dan has a change of heart. Kirk’s fears about things moving too fast magically disappear. Carly’s been showing him an open and endearing side to herself and letting him into her life. Why should he push that away? He should be embracing it. Carly goes from almost getting dumped to spending the night in a hotel room with Kirk.
The Grass is Greener
Another couple going through some growing pains is Ashley S. and Dan. Ashley is a smitten kitten. She admits that she’s even starting to think about marriage, but not only is Dan not on the same page, the guy isn’t even reading the same book. Dan’s been getting glimpses of the Ashley S. who is a bit spacey, a bit ditzy and — let’s face it — a bit touched. Something just isn’t right with that girl.
Dan is now open to the possibility of meeting someone new, which means some hottie’s going to come down those stairs who catches his eye. Unlike Joe, he is sensitive to the fact that he could wind up hurting Ashley’s feelings, but there are just too many red flags going up for him not to keep his options open.
The next girl to arrive is Megan Bell, from Chris Soules’ season. If this turns out to be Dan’s dream woman, or any man’s dream woman, I may lose all hope for the future of mankind. She’s wandering the streets of Puerto Vallarta, as if we’re supposed to believe that just because she missed her flight, there wouldn’t be some producer on hand when she finally did arrive.
Megan is an idiot. She talks to a local and asks him the difference between “Old Mexico” and New Mexico. Maybe she’s in on the joke and it’s supposed to be cute, but what self-respecting woman would knowingly … never mind, this is Bachelor in Paradise.
Dan and Ashley S. take a moonlight walk on the beach, and while the setting is romantic, the conversation is not. Dan tells Ashley that he’s starting to suspect they may not be very compatible. They had an intense connection; everything was so good. But now, not so much. Ashley S. may be clueless in many ways, but girlfriend knows when she’s getting dumped.
Ashley makes it clear that she’s been falling in love with Dan since day three, and if he’s out, she’s out. She doesn’t have eyes for anybody else in the house, so why stay?
Megan finally makes it to the resort, and she may have a rough time of it. She spends five minutes freaking out over a crab, and this is the beach so…
Megan has a date card, and predictably, Dan makes a beeline for her immediately. If producers were trying to find someone as crazy as Ashely S., they did a stellar job. Out of the frying pan and right into the fire, Dan.
But given a choice, Megan decides to go on her first date with JJ — unemployed, bi-curious, lives at home with his parents, cheated on his wife JJ.
Joe’s Hens Come Home to Roost
The Joe/Samantha/Juelia drama is far from over. Joe and Samantha have been attached at the hip since her arrival. Dan suspects that Joe knew Samantha was coming and used Juelia as a way to stick around until Sam showed up.
As if everybody doesn’t feel bad enough for Juelia, we get to see Samantha doing something to Joe in the pool that has him moaning, “Oh, god” (my guess is a hand job), while Juelia speaks to her daughter on the phone.
Everybody finally decides to deal with the Joe situation head-on. Ashley S., Clare and Tenley finally get him to admit that he had spoken to Samantha before filming started, a fact he denied the previous day. They were in contact via social media, text and phone calls.
Even Jared thinks Joe’s behavior is pretty low. In Joe’s mind, he went on a date and had a good connection with Juelia but just happened to have a better one with Samantha. Only, he didn’t have a connection with Juelia. He said so himself. The guy is seriously pathological, and he’s about to get his ass pounded into the sand by Dan.
Dan pulls Joe aside and tells him he has unfinished business with Juelia. Joe is argumentative and antagonistic. He writes Dan off as a loser for being 36 and on a reality TV show. Joe’s also convinced that all the negativity coming his way stems from jealousy. Joe just wants everyone else to kick rocks so he can cuddle up with his dream girl. You shouldn’t have effed with a single mom, Joe. “Don’t shoplift the pootie.”
Joe sits down with Juelia, and she expresses her frustration at being unceremoniously dumped. I will say this, she was warned and she has to take some accountability. Yes, Joe’s a scumbag, without a doubt, but she’s a big girl. It’s a shame that the one guy she liked is into somebody else. I think it’s more depressing that Juelia is beating a worthless dead horse. And where is Samantha in all of this?
Juelia decides it’s time to bring her friend into the loop. She wants to make sure Samantha knows what kind of guy Joe really is. I’d gather the whole gang up and have a Joe-tervention.
Once Juelia plays the Samantha card, Joe’s demeanor changes. He becomes much more apologetic. Have you learned nothing, guy? Girls talk.
You got played Juelia. But if there’s such a thing as karma, Joe’s penis will turn green and fall off. May that fact bring you some comfort on the plane ride home.
Bachelor in Paradise airs Sundays and Mondays at 8pm on ABC.
(Image courtesy of ABC)