Happy Top Model Wednesday! And it’s extra happy this week, for two hot reasons: First, Tyra is fulfilling her biggest fantasy and literally setting the models on fire. (“Haha, thanks for signing those waivers, suckers!” – Tyra) Second, MY BOYFRIEND IS BACK!!!!! And by “boyfriend,” I mean super talented famous photographer Francesco Carrozzini, who has no idea I exist, but I know he exists and call him my “boyfriend” because he’s so pretty. … Our “dates” are when I Google image search him 🙁
But no, snap out of it, self. Johnson & Johnson NO MORE TEARS, because Francesco and I have been united again! Oh yeah, and also some girls whine and model and get set on fire and stuff.
After last week’s elimination, Kasia feels she is entitled to say bossy Alexandria didn’t deserve top photo last week because she’s been in the modeling world for a while. I think she’s entitled to say whatever she wants because her hair looks amazinggggggggg!!!
Maybe she’s born with it, maybe it’s Maybe-weave!
Sara, a self-proclaimed “creeper and a feminist” (?) feels like “less of a woman” than the other models, but knows she needs to up her confidence for this week’s shoot. After her tongue-lashing from Tyra at elimination, Alexandria is showing tiny signs of self-awareness, but not enough to change her bitchy behavior. She starts being “snarky” and questioning Sara‘s motivation to model, because Sara said she wants to go to school and not immediately move to New York to model. Alexandria’s motto, of course, is go big (ego) or go home, so this doesn’t sit well. But Alexandria also thinks her Aretha Franklin hat with the bow on is good to wear in EVERY confessional interview, so if I were Sara I wouldn’t take her advice too much to heart.
Why would anyone consider me bitchy or judgmental when I go around making faces like this?
Runway Challenge: Going Up in Flaaaaames!
Miss J (they call him Mellooow Yellooow) greets the girls and says a bunch of cheesy fire puns (“heating up,” “light up with burning desire,” “ignite that flame”) before setting up the challenge: The models will be “holding flames in their hands” as they walk the runway. The winner wins two dresses. The loser loses her hands and becomes America’s Next Top Hook-Hand Model.
At runway hair and makeup, Molly finally gets to say goodbye to her heinous electrocuted Barbie weave! They seem to have given her some sort of wig until they sort out the mess they have made of her head.
It’s runway time. Hannah sets the stakes: “The worst thing that could happen is that I get a third-degree burn.” OH WAIT, Sara puts it even better: “What if someday I want to become a hand model?” Good question, Sara! What if? The answer is THIS:
Hahahahaaaaa. I just wanted an excuse to post that. Back to the show: If the girls fall on the runway, Miss J advises them to “clap their hands.” Wouldn’t it be funny if they started clapping to put out their fire-hands, and then the audience started clapping because the model was clapping, and then all of a sudden everyone is giving a standing O to a burn victim? (Replace “funny” with “horrifying.”) “BRAVO! CLAP CLAP CLAP!” – Audience who has no idea what’s happening or why. “AHHHHHH!” – Model, burning alive.
Before going on the runway, the models put on gloves doused in lighter fluid, which they then wave over two flame pots at the sides of the runway to light them on fire. Then they get to decide how to wave their hands around like sexy superheros with the super power of sexy fireballs. (PHOTOS!)
Katy Perry was right, I AM a firework!!!
Most of them look pretty good doing it! Molly was a “pyromaniac” growing up, so she’s like “no big.” Sara is a “hot mess” (hey look, another pun!) and can’t get her hands to light on fire! WHAT A FLAME RETARDANT. (Woof, sorry, I just couldn’t help that.) Dalya is elegant and focused, says Miss J, while Kasia tries to look too sexy with her mouth.
After the show, Alexandria, Brittani and Dalya are Miss J’s top three, and the winner is … Dalya! Miss J then breaks the news to the three worst walkers, Hannah, Sara and Kasia, that they need to practice on their walks by walking home. Hahahahahaaaa! The pain never ends. They should call this season America’s Next Tortured Model, yuk yuk!
Once the three “wayward travelers” find their way through the scary streets of some rich part of L.A., the doorbell rings at the Model Mansion, and the girls find scripts for their challenge the next day: They’re shooting a commercial for “Fierce Roast Coffee,” because Tyra loves acting challenges and is incapable of not including the word “fierce” in anything. Monique attempts to read her script for the retro 60’s coffee commercial, and I discover that her Valley Girl accent is not an affectation. That is actually how she talks. This does not bode well.
But we’re, like, models. Nobody said anything about having to read.
Meanwhile, Sara, the FEMINIST who wants to be a super sexy model and set upon getting cast in one of the most objectifying reality series on television, is worried about the moral implications of playing a “servile, docile woman” in a commercial.
Commercial Shoot: “Fierce Roast Coffee”
Mister Jay meets the models and introduces them to my boyfrienddddd. Hi, boyfriend!
Molly says she has a crush on Francesco. I still like her, but she best not push it.
The stylizing for the commercial shoot is “50’s Mad Men retro housewife” (PHOTOS!) which is actually super fun and they all look beautiful, no sarcasmo. But Sara is infecting everyone with her insecurities about her face and boobs (FEMINISM!) and acting. She doesn’t think it will go well, which is why it won’t. Jaclyn gets a “fake booty” to make her more retro-curvy. She’s like a white, more gender-progressive Kim Kardashian!
Sara says she’s embarrassed that her fem-core friends back home are going to see her playing a subservient woman in a commercial. Uhhh. Not to belabor the all too obvious point, but you are on AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL. The embarrassment should have begun weeks ago.
The commercial premise: They’re sexy secretaries at a Mad Men-esque office, and since 50s society says anyone with a vagina can’t also have ideas, they need to inSINuate to their boss how to sell “Fierce Coffee” as sexy. By being ohhhh sooooo seeeeeexyyyyyyy.
Alexandria and Brittani are first up to shoot. Alexandria puts on her porn star face/voice/fingers, while Brittani looks like she hates herself and everyone and especially coffee. When Jay reminds her that the point of acting in a commercial is to look like you don’t hate life, Britanni starts crying, which gives Alexandria the gap she needs to start bossing around everyone, from the makeup artists to the lighting guys.
Modeling is the perfect industry for me because I am apparently unable to retain information (like that I should STOP BEING BOSSY) for more than three days.
Kasia and Jaclyn are next. Jaclyn fumbles her lines a bit, but they both look amazing. Kasia plays a convincing vixen.
Dalya and Molly: They do so well that we only see about three seconds of it. NEXT.
Hannah and Monique: Monique defies my expectations and not only looks gorgeous, but doesn’t sound like a Valley Girl. Hannah also does well, but she looks so young that when she comes on to the boss, I’m the one who feels like a “creeper.”
Mikaela and Sara: Mikaela looks aMAZZZZing, but her hand keeps shaking. Luckily, she’s standing next to Sara, who demands all of Francesco’s attention by being an unsexy, sailor-mouthed mess. Post-shoot, Francesco says Sara doesn’t seem like she believes in any of it, like she looked at the script and said, “Nope. Not for me.” Which we know is exactly what happened. Francesco, you are not only beautiful, but you are also wise. What can’t you do?
Judging and Elimination
Tyra ALSO acknowledges that Francesco is sexy. Do you guys think she’s been reading my recaps? Hi TYRA!!!! Step off my boyfriend. Hiiiiiiiiii again, boyfrieeeeeend!
(Last one, I swear.)
Tyra demos the “sexy coffee drinker” look for reference.
Monique and Hannah: Nigel got a “perk-me-up” (WINK!) when watching Hannah. Francesco says Hannah really found her character, but Tyra thinks they needed to push the sexy MORE.
Jaclyn and Kasia: Nigel starts laughing when he watches Jaclyn try to be sexy. Jaclyn looks like she wants to melt into the floor when she watches herself. Tyra LOOOOVES it. She calls it one of her “favorite Top Model moments” because they “milked every moment.” (Double WINK!) Then Jaclyn does a fake-booty demo because why not. The judges are in love with Kasia in this shoot.
Alexandria and Brittani: Alexandria was overbearing porn-star sexy, while Brittani was flat. ALT says Alexandria was “weak, boring, blah.: Tyra is disappointed and surprised that Britanni was “drab.” Francesco drops the bomb: Alexandria tried to direct everyone on set. “It’s a dangerous attitude to have,” he says in his sexy Italian accent. Ka-BOOM. Tyra’s face says it all: She is not pleased with her pupil. Time to break out the fire again! No gloves this time. And the fire goes on the face.
Mikaela and Sara: The judges agree: Sara was essentially worthless. ALT: “What’s that? I felt nothing.” Nigel says Mikaela was beautiful but flat in the acting. (Flacting?) Tyra says she wants to “shake” Mikaela and wake her up.
Molly and Dalya: Dalya didn’t walk well in the commercial, even though she was the runway challenge winner. (Hey look, some irony.) But Tyra loves Dalya’s face, so who cares? Molly was good, but not great. She didn’t smize enough for Tyra’s liking. Francesco: Molly was great when she didn’t do anything. (Wouldn’t it be great if someone said that about you? Or am I the only lazy one?)
And the best performance goes to… Kasia!
Tyra lays it on thick: “You may just be one of the best performers in a commercial in the history of America’s Next Top Model!” Oh wait, I’ve seen all the commercials in the history of Top Model. And this is the only one that wasn’t so terrible I wanted to rip out my eyes and use them as earplugs. I credit Francesco, obviously. And the rest of the screengrabs go to…
Jaclyn (“America’s Next Top Booty Shaker”)
Molly (whose hair is looking more insane by the minute)
Bottom Two: Alexandria and Sara
Tyra: “I only have one SCREENGRAB in my hands.” LOLOL Y2K GTG KTHXBAI.
Tyra says Sara’s face is the REASON she started Top Model, but her performance wasn’t committed or confident. Meanwhile, Alexandria did a decent (or … indecent?) job in the commercial, but she is showing a pattern of pissing off her higher-ups.
Eliminated: Sara (Tyra: “Confidence wins.”)
Tyra puts on her disappointed mom face when she tells Alexandria this is the LAST time she will be warned to ditch the attitude. Alexandria says it “will never happen again.” LET’S HOPE NOT/SO! We need that attitude. It’s good TV!
Sara blames herself, as does Tyra, who says she needs to appreciate her unique beauty. Sara as she says goodbye to the girls: “I feel like I died and I’m taking the long walk to heaven or something!” Indeed, you are, dear Sara. It’s called life without Tyra Banks making you miserable, or pulling pranks on you, or putting you in a ball, or covering you with bees, or setting you on fire. Heaven on Earth.
Next Week: The girls work in groups on something (probably more acting, WOOF), Alexandria still has a bad attitude (yaaaay! but we knew that she would, because it’s called her brain) and Monique decides to read Alexandria’s diary! “It’s not good, you guys!” she yells to the other models. No, it’s not good. This is going to be GREAT!
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(Images courtesy of CW)