Tonight on America’s Next Top Model: The final six models fly to New Zealand, where they’ll live out the rest of the competition, and every New Zealand stereotype that Tyra can conjure up.
Their first week down under took them on go-sees to six of Auckland’s hottest designers, and then put them in a field with Nigel Barker and a sheep named Prince. (The name makes sense: small, hairy, ambiguous sexuality … )
This week also told a tragic tale we’ll call “The Rise and Fall of Angelea.” Like King Lear and Britney Spears before her, the success and power went to Angelea’s royal head, sending her down a shame spiral and into a pit of full-blown madness. But more on that later.
The highlights and lowlights (and rainbow brites!) of America’s Next Top Model Cycle 14 Episode 8, “Welcome to New Zealand!”:
Straight off the plane (a 22-hour flight during which we were tragically denied seeing Angelea and Krista take the “class” out of “first-class”) Miss J brought the girls up to a bluff, where he introduced his New Zealand’s Next Top Model doppleganger, Colin, and these guys, who gave the girls a traditional tribal welcome to their home turf:
Back guy: This is my “Tyra’s Lick It Face” impression!
Front guy: This is ALSO my “Tyra’s Lick It Face” impression!
And then one of the big burly men kidnapped Jessica and licked her to death for literally saying, “I thought New Zealand was right above Canada. I had no idea.”
This bizarre but undeniably awesome tongue greeting lost all significance when J revealed that the girls had six taxis waiting for them, and they’d have 4.5 hours to visit six designers around Auckland.
While the rest of the models kept overlapping and stepping on each others’ toes at each location, Angelea devised a plan to see all six designers, all of whom she was confident would love her. And she felt like this:
“These girls are not as smart as me!”
And the plan went off without a hitch. Jessica and Alexandra ended their day early, but neither had seen all the designers, and neither had really impressed them either. (Jessica is “too commercial, and Alexandra looked sloppy with her “Ugg boots and bad skin.”) While Krista impressed the 4 or 5 designers she saw, she showed up just shy of the time limit, three minutes late. Then Raina rolled in about 15 minutes late (and soaking wet from having ditched her cab and walked in the rain), and A-LATE-sia showed up 45 minutes later.
And, high on their struggles, Angelea felt like this:
“BADAM! Got it.”
Krista, Raina and Alasia were automatically disqualified. Jessica booked 1 of the 4 go-sees, and Alexandra booked 0 of 4. Angelea booked 6 out of 6. SIX OUT OF SIX!
And, after hearing that she was the far and away winner, and that her prize was a garment from all six designers she’d visited, she felt like this:
[Silent Arrogant Triumph]
Thus concludes the Rise of Angelea. And now for the fun part: the Fall … into MADNESS!
The girls moved into their swanky New Zealand penthouse, and what was there to greet them? A RAINBOOOOOW!
Welcome gift specially commissioned by Andre Leon Talley, the head of the gays.
And we cannot go any further before noting Miss J’s “Maaaaajorrrrrr” contribution to tonight’s episode: a voiceover for this Air New Zealand commercial.
“I’m Miss J. Go to New Zealand. You’re welcome, America!”
Jay Manuela and Nigel greeted the models out in a field on a tractor, and laid out the photo challenge: each girl would model the same black satin fitted bedsheet (except they called it a “dress”) and pose with Prince the sheep.
Krista was scared, saying “I just have this thing about animals,” (just like you have this thing with white penises?) but she faced her fear and got so gorgeously up close and personal with Prince that he started singing “Purple Rain.”
The Sheep Formerly Sheared as Prince
Angelea got on set and was too focused on the gothic tent they’d put her in, and Nigel called her a disappointment.
But, luckily for Angelea, she wasn’t the only sheep-sucker (haha, sorry, and also eww) out there on the moor. Alasia out-cluelessed herself and ended up with a photo that looks like … what does this even look like? I see Bow Wow in drag, but I might still be thinking about the Ru Paul’s Drag Race finale from Monday:
Andre is the most fabulous gay Hobbit to ever grace The Shire:
And Tyra is … Tyra. Jumpsuit, craze-face and all:
When the judges called the girls up one by one, and they got to Angelea, Tyra criticized her dress for being too “in the club.” And then Angelea, now in full-blown “pantiless Britney getting out of the car” decision-making mode, said she was so glad Tyra mentioned the “club,” and proceeded to show the judges her “in the club” walk. And face. And “heeeeeey!” pointed arm motions.
And I wish I had gotten a better picture of it, but my JAW was too busy DROPPING and LAUGHING at the same time, like a crazed gyroscope, and it was going so fast that it broke off of my face, and then it looked up at me from the floor and mouthed the words “WHAT WAS THAT?” This guy knows what I’m talking about:
After looking through all six final photos of the Black Sheet/Sheep photo shoot, the judges deemed KRISTA the best for the second week in a row. Tyra said her photo was “like the tornado of loveliness to me.”
Runner-up photo went to ALEXANDRA (She’s BACK! But also still, kind of, who?) Then RAINA got called. And ANGELEA, ashamed of what she had done (and presumably back in reality), felt like this:
It’s not like she was just looking at her shoe or having a singular moment of anxiety or just trying not to barf. She stood like this, metaphorical tail between her legs, for the ENTIRE photo call-out ceremony.
Then Tyra called her name and, Fall fully accomplished (complete with major crash landing), Angelea approached the deity and was granted redemption. And she felt like this:
The Bottom Two: JESSICA “Too Commercial” versus ALASIA “So Smart She Knocks on Elevator Doors and Applies This Intelligence to Her Modeling, As Well.”
Fearing her brain was not connected to her body, just to be safe Tyra sent both of Alasia’s parts home, and Jessica lived to cute it up another day.
Did Tyra make the right call? Will you miss Alasia’s antics?
Next Week: Tyra photographs the final five, who appear to be drenched in mud and … snakes? Guess we’ll find out!