Tonight’s episode of America’s Next Top Model was all about faking it. And not just faking little things like “sick” or “orgasm,” but faking the big stuff, like chemistry. And talent. And style. And doing it in a painfully awkward and ridiculous way, but just going on and pretending with full confidence that those fake things are real and normal and impressive as can be.
It’s like the show has been watching itself and taking notes!
Anyway, here’s what happened in America’s Next Top Model episode 5, “Smile and Pose.” (More like “Grin and Bear It.”)
Miss Jay met the girls on Roosevelt Island, and revealed that today’s challenge would teach the girls how to fake chemistry with a male model. And we learned something before the challenge even began: that the more wins Alasia gets under her belt, the bigger her hair gets:
“That’s why her hair’s so big. It’s full of secrets.”
– Bonus points if you know what movie that’s from!
Anyway, the “male model” practice doll turned out to be none other than Nigel Barker, which partially defeated the purpose of the exercise, because instead of meeting a stranger and talking to him like a human being in order to “break the ice,” the girls took one look at Nigel and turned into over-the-top, drooling trampazoids in their quest to “make him comfortable.” His potent blend of sexiness and authority scrambled their brains.
Anyone who has ever had a handsome teacher or professor knows the symptoms, and these girls exhibited them all:
… random “happy hammer dance” outbursts …
… word vomit that accidentally turns into you insulting his shoes …
… and, of course, ripping off his coat and demanding that you both get naked.
All totally natural, though unfortunate, responses to a sexy authority figure in close range. And, more unfortunate, is the result:
STOP HAMMER TIME. PLEASE, STOP HAMMER TIME!
But, in all seriousness, Jessica’s entire conversation with Nigel was the best thing I’ve seen all season long. “What up, boo?” + three minutes of mild molestation + “See ya later, sweet cheeks!” = Jessica Love for LIFE.
Later, the girls put their new “chemistry skills” to the test at a photo shoot with comedian Ross Matthews, who tried to make them laugh while they tried to look sexy. All in all, it was an entire evening of “tries … but doesn’t succeeds”:
Alexandra tried to give Ross a piggyback neck massage.
Angelea tried to captivate Ross with her crotch (and force Tyra to pay FCC fines).
Raina went back to last week’s vampire shoot and tried to eat Ross’s face.
So distracted (or horrified) by the revolving door of flesh before him, Ross barely had time to make any jokes–but what’s the point, anyway, when the girls are the jokes?
The Photo Shoot:
Jay Manuel explains that tonight’s shoot is meant to raise awareness about “the cost of being fake,” meaning purchasing fake designer goods from street vendors. He tells the girls that the “biggest fashion crime you could ever commit is to buy knock off goods.” Ha. Yes, it’s true, when you buy that $50 knock-off Prada bag or $20 knock-off Gucci sunglasses, you are depriving those designers of thousands of dollars that they desperately need to build another story on their Italian villas and coat their rooftop helipads in gold. It’s not like you need that thousand dollars for yourself! Give it to Donatella Versace so she can get more diamond-encrusted Botox injections into her elbows. It’s the right thing to do, but it’s also: THE LAW.
Anyway, to represent this terrifying, grotesque disease upon the fashion industry, Jay turned the girls into sad clowns, complete with fake everything:
Fake happiness to be styled like a juggalo.
By the way, I still have no idea why, before the episode aired, the CW released all the final photos except Brenda’s. I mean, it wasn’t that bad. I secretly wished her absence meant she had crumpled up in a pile of anxious tears and then shaved off the very little amount of hair that she actually had left before the shoot, but no such luck. Anyway, you can see the rest of the final shots here. (And check back tomorrow for my photo rankings!)
Tonight’s episode barely had any, which made me a sa-a-a-a-a-ad panda. But which makes me even more excited for next week’s episode, when, according to the preview, the amazingness that is Angelea is promised to spew sardonic all over the place, starting with the innocent question, “How’s it feel to be in the bottom … RAINA? And BRENDA?” I guess Angelea is saving up her bitchiness for big, fat doses, which is fine. That allows us to savor it.
Tyra continued her visual journey through the outfits of Dynasty …
I think she’s shooting for a remake: Tyrasty. (Or would it be Tyranasty? Somehow that just sounds better.)
JESSICA won over the judges with her high fashion, high-kicking take on a Troll doll, and ANGELEA earned second call-out for her Bratz doll come to life:
It came down to a body battle in the bottom two between TATIANNA, “I love bodily functions” Morticianstan and ALEXANDRA “I don’t know how to work my body” McShe’sSoTall.
In the end, Tyra decided that Tatianna’s photo shoots were too much like crap shoots, and she was sent home.
Next Week: A Covergirl shoot in a NYC subway car, and plenty of drama to make up for tonight’s ho-hum episode. (Well, *I* think it was ho-hum. What did YOU think?)