This coming Monday on Dancing with the Stars, each couple’s dance must tell a story–contain not just choreography, but storyography as well. And the news that Kate Gosselin and Tony Dovolani will dance a Paso Doble that will, at least in a vaguely referential sense, reenact the last two years of Kate’s life (which can be easily summed up with the tabloid headline “Jon & Kate Plus Hate’) got me thinking.

First thought:

(A) Hahahaha! Oh man, I can’t wait. That is going to be insane.

But, more importantly, second thought:

(B) What would the rest of the dances look like if they were somehow based on the stars’ lives?

It’s unlikely that any of the other ten stars and their professional partners will choose to mine the depths of their personal lives as dance inspiration–and for good reason, given how inherently egomaniacal and dangerous such a storytelling venture would be … but what if?

Here are some ideas.

Buzz Aldrin & Ashly Costa
Dance style: Waltz
Storyography: An alternate version of the moon landing. Buzz plays an astronaut making his famous first steps on the moon, and Ashly plays a suspicious but curious alien who shows him around her favorite craters as they gradually fall in love despite their differences. (So basically Avatar.)

Chad Ochocinco & Cheryl Burke
Dance style: Paso Doble
Storyography: This dance is full of so much confrontation and aggression, a football-inspired showdown would be fitting, however horrendous it might be in the eyes of Len Goodman to take the dance out of the bullfighting ring and onto the field. Whatever happens, given the dance’s Spanish influence, I just hope we get to see the name “Ochocinco” on the back of a cape.

Aiden Turner & Edyta Sliwinska
Dance style: Quickstep
Storyography: An hour-long soap opera episode condensed into one frenzied minute of quickstep. Romance! Betrayal! Deaths! Undeaths! Shirtlessness! Secret evil twins who came back to find the secret treasure that’s buried underneath your ex-wife/step-sister’s tomb! Needless to say, this dance should end with a cliffhanger.

Pamela Anderson & Damian Whitewood
Dance style: Paso Doble
Storyography: The real-life, regrettable epic that was Pamela and Kid Rock. It doesn’t get more tumultuous than that. Damian will, of course, need to don ratty blond extensions, a red bowler hat and perpetual sneer for his transformation into Kid Rock–a transformation which, no matter what version of this on-again, off-again romance they portray, would make it all worthwhile.

Evan Lysacek & Anna Trebunskaya
Dance style: Quickstep
Storyography: Evan and Anna have joked about the fact that he just defeated Russia’s Evgeni Plushenko in the men’s singles at the 2010 Winter Olympics, because Anna is Russian. Now’s the time for them to get these competing alliances out in the open with a farce on the Lysacek-Plushenko rivalry in which Evan, playing Evan, and Anna, playing Plushenko, settle their differences and dance a lively bromantic quickstep together.

Have storyography ideas for Erin, Niecy, Nicole or Jake? How about these folks to whom I just gave my terrible ideas? Share them in the comments. And join me back here on Monday night at 8pm, when I’ll be live-recapping the Dancing with the Stars performance show, to watch all the real stories unfold.

(Images courtesy of ABC)

Meghan Carlson

Senior Writer, BuddyTV

Meghan hails from Walla Walla, WA, the proud home of the world’s best sweet onions and Adam West, the original Batman. An avid grammarian and over-analyzer, you can usually find her thinking too hard about plot devices in favorites like The OfficeIt’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and How I Met Your Mother. In her spare time, Meghan enjoys drawing, shopping, trying to be funny (and often failing), and not understanding the whole Twilight thing. She’s got a BA in English and Studio Art from Whitman College, which makes her a professional arguer, daydreamer, and doodler.