Yes, America’s Got Talent, we know you have Howard Stern. But I guess his newness isn’t wearing off yet because the first two minutes were devoted to his epic arrival on this show. Things will NEVER be the same! Meanwhile, Nick Cannon is being dropped off on the tops of different buildings to ask is the city he’s been deposited into has talent. Does New York have talent? Does it have great pizza!?

After the standard five to ten minutes of judge worship, the auditions are underway. “Acrobatic Dunk Team,” The Flyte Cru is up first. A stage hand warns them not to fall off the edge of the stage as so many before them have done. I’ll tell you this much: these guys love dunking. They don’t give a rat’s ass about the other elements of basketball, except maybe the outfits, but they love to dunk the ball. Howie said no, Howard said yes, and Sharon loves everything so it’s a yes. She’s the Flyte Cru’s fairy godmother!

This guy Marcus did some aerial acrobatics and it was a yes, then this freaky looking masked Irish dancing group went through, straight into my nightmares. A young child with a European accent played the piano very quickly and will move on to infiltrate the media and kill us all.

Oh no, a little kid rapping. It’s so difficult because he’s a little kid. So of course he’ll be terrible, but no one can tell him. Mir Money is from Philadelphia, and he is 7. He was just yelling, and off the beat. Howard buzzed him, cementing his position as the only trustworthy judge on the panel. Much later Sharon buzzed him, and Mir Money looked upset. The audience booed Howard, who made Mir Money cry (or did he think the audience was booing him?). Howard went on stage and hugged the young rapper and they ushered him offstage. “I’m not cut out for this,” Howard tells his fellow judges, “I can’t do it.” Please keep at it, Howard! You have to be fair.

But now we can cheer up because it’s a DOG ACT! I love all dog acts, even if it’s just the dogs running around on stage. Sharon loves it, of course. The Olate Dogs jump over a flying flag, dance on their hind legs, and never even make fun of the Lawrence Welk-ian costumes their owners are wearing. Oh my god, a dog conga line!! It is spectacular. The audience rose to their feet in delight. I can’t wait to see them again.

This guy has a shirt that says “they call me nasty” and he calls himself Horse. How awful. His talent is getting kicked in the nuts by his buddies. Then he jumped on top of a board crotch first, then his buddies hit his nuts with a stick, and put a cement block on top of his crotch and broke it with a sledgehammer (the cement block. And his crotch). So his talent is not having testicles? Howard, mockingly skeptical, has Nick Cannon come out and kick Horse in the nuts, and he obliges. Everyone had fun with that. Of course we’ll see it again.

Bring back the wagon of dogs!

Three kids leapt around on stage and pretended to know how to play instruments, then some guys wearing a lot of makeup were terrible. Can any band make it through? We are supposed to wonder.

I have a feeling Wordspit and The Illest can. I’m not quite sure what to think about them, because it wasn’t always jiving for me, but they are definitely talented and it’s cool to see someone to rap to live music instead of a track. So, good for them!

Oh no, another old person rapping. Is he fun or crazy? The fact that he brought a Casio makes him fun AND crazy. But also, he was terrible. He’ll surely be back in the finale, Casio in hand, for that “Worst of AGT” group performance. “What you gonna do!?” The audience decided they liked it, so Burton and his Casio will have to wait until Las Vegas to be eliminated. Hilariously, someone from the cheap seats yelled, “Whatcha gonna do, Howie?” after the audience enjoyed chanting it. It’s three votes yes. Whatcha gonna do about THAT. Nick Cannon came out for an encore, but Burton couldn’t really grab a hold of it, so they just said “whatcha gonna do” a million times over again. A star is born.

(images courtesy of NBC)

Carla Patton

Writer, BuddyTV

Originally from Seattle, Carla recently took a husband and moved to Austin, Texas, where she is finally using her television “problem” to her advantage. It’s sort of like Dexter, but boring and less murdering. Carla’s favorite shows include 30 RockThe Amazing RaceProject RunwayModern Family, anything with murder, and pretty much anything gross and weird (CSIThe BachelorToddlers & Tiaras, etc.). Favorite canceled shows include: Arrested DevelopmentVeronica Mars and Average Joe. In her spare time, Carla leads tours of downtown Austin on a Segway (don’t knock it ’til you’ve tried it!), blogs about Netflix Instant, and visits elementary schools telling children they don’t need math to succeed (just kidding, stay in school, kids).