Break out the white wine and revealing blouses. Keeping Up with the Kardashians is back for another season. In “Who’s Your Daddy,” Bruce almost calls it quits with Kris, Khloe’s pressured to prove Robert Kardashian is her father and Kim and Kourtney are at each others’ throats over running DASH. Though not reaching previous seasons’ overly-dramatic heights, watching this episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians is still similar to having an IV filled with estrogen and cattiness.
Say Yes to the Test
Picking up where Khloe and Lamar left off, Kris pushes Khloe for a DNA test showing once and for all she’s a full-blooded Kardashian. Though Kris states this is for Khloe “so she can feel complete,” try playing a game whenever Kris talks about the paternity test. The rules are:
1. Replace “Khloe” with “Kris.”
2. Let your mind be boggled at how insecure Mamma Kardashian is over who Khloe’s dad really is.
Alright, Khloe repeatedly states she doesn’t want to take the test. Even after Kris stages an ambush DNA test intervention, nothing gets Khloe to get any lab work done. If anything, this shows how absolutely terrible Kris is capable of acting when things don’t go her way. It’s not cute.
Bruce Isn’t Almighty
Kris gets a two-for-one deal, pushing away her husband as well as daughter. After the matriarch interrupts Bruce’s sacred time for sprawling out on a couch and eating potato chips, Mr. Jenner gets fed up of feeling unappreciated and moves into Khloe’s house for two days. Granted, Kris does have a point that her husband slept through Khloe visiting them from Texas. It’s when no one notices Bruce’s disappearance a great truth reveals itself: It’s easy to not notice anyone in a house the size of Rhode Island. That, and Bruce should cut down on the potato chips. It’s not healthy, and we’re worried about your heart, Bruce.
DASH Gets Crass
Kim and Kourtney round out the full family misery when they get into a spat over DASH. Kourtney looks around for their boutique’s new location without Kim, as her sister’s too busy inventing cold fusion or staring at her reflection for hours. This angers Kim, who states that Kourtney has basically taken over the store and left her by the wayside. Kourtney agrees that’s exactly what’s happened, but only because Kim hasn’t put forth any effort towards managing their business.
To sum up the entire episode at this point: No one’s happy.
Everyone’s Suddenly Happy Again
Everything gets resolved in the final 10 minutes as if by magic, and by magic, I mean wine. Kris stops caring about Khloe’s DNA test denial, Bruce learns if you talk to your family instead of staging an Occupy Couch protest, people actually notice you, and Kim and Kourtney find the perfect store. This nuclear family’s no longer in danger of a meltdown.
Despite the only slightly above-average start, this season has a lot to offer, promising Kanye West appearances and red carpet flour bombings. Did you think the premiere was strong, or are you so over the Kardashians by now? How did you feel about the new hour-long format? Comment and let us know!
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