Last night on America’s Got Talent, seven terrible acts made fools of themselves in front of a nationwide audience, while three others actually displayed some genuine talent. I already mocked the talent-free nobodies in my recap last night, so let me remind you of the people who left a good impression: Flaming baton twirler Jonathan Burkin is “the best baton twirler in the world” according to David Hasselhoff, SickStep acted out the greatest moments from Step Up 2 The Streets with panache, and Sarah Lenore made me enjoy a Dixie Chicks song for the first time in my life. They all deserve plenty of praise.
Tonight’s episode of America’s Got Talent features performances from the final 10 acts in the top 40. Are there still some crown jewels to be found among the other, lesser gems?
America’s Got Talent is amazing when it comes to drawing things out. All they have to do at the beginning of the show is tell us which acts from last night are moving on and which are going home, yet this takes 15 minutes. Maybe I should take a cue from the show and start making my recaps so long that they take two hours to get through. Wouldn’t that be fun?
Bruce Block couldn’t attend the show tonight due to “illness,” but he was probably just too embarrassed to show his face after his dwarf and pony show last night. America has voted to keep Jonathan Burkin, Sarah Lenore, Joseph Hall and the creepy “Umbrella”-slaughtering Taubl Family. The judges choose to keep SickStep over Michael Strelo-Smith, which just proves that it’s a bad idea to talk back to Sharon Osbourne. That means Michael, Bruce Block, Matthew Piazzi, The Texas State Strutters and Shequida are going home. America doesn’t seem to be into drag queens. Does Man Tina Turner stand a chance?
The Dallas Desperados Dancers are up first tonight, and they pull out a completely forgettable routine that you could see during halftime at any high school football game. There are way too many groups of women shaking their assets in skimpy outfits on this show, so it’s important to stand out from the crowd, which The DDDs certainly do not. When the Hoff tells you you’re not edgy enough, you know you’re doomed. Maybe they should have gone for something more daring and cutting edge to impress the Baywatch star, like this:
Bryan Cheatham (but don’t leaveham) is a former Chippendale’s dancer turned wannabe singer. He takes the stage and sings a mostly flat and tuneless version of a song that I think is called “You’re My Everything.” Piers Morgan tells him he’s cruise ship material, which is about right. Go back to stripping your clothes off, Bryan. That’s a talent that might carry you all the way to the finals.
The self-proclaimed “fire god” known as Flambeaux is up next, and he’s the only act tonight that features a creepy vest of flaming thorns, fire swallowing, and someone singing “Gangsta’s Paradise.” Or maybe it’s Stevie Wonder’s “Pasttime Paradise,” which is basically the same thing but not as fun. Piers describes him as “whacked” and “nutty,” Sharon tells him the lady who sang the Coolio song would be a better Flambeaux, and the Hoff tells him he’s scary. Say goodbye to the flamer.
It’s time for four-year-old songstress Kaitlyn Maher, who I have absolutely no patience for despite her adorableness. She comes out and weakly warbles “What a Wonderful World,” and though she deserves buzzes from the judges she doesn’t get them. America is going to vote her through just for being cute, which is annoying. It’s not like a four-year-old can handle a show on the Vegas strip.
Man Tina descends to the stage inside a giant disco ball, hoping to be the one transsexual America will embrace. She boogies down to “Disco Inferno” with a bunch of backup dancers, and while it’s a very energetic performance it’s also full of too much lip-syncing. Piers thinks her inability to sing puts her at a disadvantage, so Man Tina talks back and reminds him that Angela Bassett didn’t sing her own songs in What’s Love Got to Do With It. Hoo girl, she pulled out the Bassett card! Sharon Osbourne and the Hoff tell Man Tina that she’s fabulous and deserves to go on.
Donald Braswell sings “The Impossible Dream” from Man of La Mancha, which is a song I only know because Scott Bakula sang it on Quantum Leap when I was a kid. Donald is the wild card in the top 40 who America voted through after Russian Bar Trio dropped out. He does a pretty amazing job and belts out the song like a pro, which leaves me to wonder why he didn’t make it through in the first place. I know he doesn’t live up to the ZOOperstars, but come on.
Indiggo can’t spell and have little talent to speak of, but the Romanian singers remind the Hoff of Dracula’s girlfriends, so that’s why they’re here. Tonight they’re performing an original song called, no joke, “George Clooney.” I actually kind of like it, and their entire number makes me feel like I’m in a burlesque club in the Roaring ’20s. It’s like a deleted scene from Bugsy Malone or something. The audience boos them way too harshly and Sharon and Piers hate them, but I say they’re a lot more fun than Kaitlyn Maher.
Just like Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin’,” America’s Got Talent just goes on and on and on and on. Tapping Dads are a bunch of dads who tap, and this week they’re tapping to “Puttin’ on the Ritz.” Piers tells them that their performance would make Fred Astaire turn in his grave, which causes Sharon to rip up a bunch of papers and attack him while the Hoff looks on drunkenly. It’s pretty hilarious, and much more entertaining than Tapping Dads themselves.
Eli Stone is a show on ABC, but Eli Mattson is an attractive singer with a voice that falls somewhere between great and terrible. I actually can’t decide what I think of his particular style as he sits at the piano and sings Babyface’s “Nobody Knows It But Me,” which is a great song. The judges love him though, so maybe I’m just deaf in one ear.
The violin-playing brothers known as Nuttin But Stringz are the last act up tonight, which means the producers want them to make it through. They’re about as entertaining as a pair of violinists can be, and they even slam their bows on the ground at the end like they’re at a rock concert. The judges love their mixture of rock, classical and hip-hop. They’ll get through without a problem, though I wish they’d learn how to spell.
Tune in next Tuesday for more America’s Got Talent, or as it should be called, A Few People Scattered Around the Country Have Talent, And the Rest of You Kind Of Suck.
– Don Williams, BuddyTV Staff Writer
(Image courtesy of NBC)