It’s the final night of auditions as American Idol stops by San Francisco. It finally feels like we’re getting somewhere, (Hollywood!) doesn’t it? And one more thing about these cold opens, why are they always the saddest, cruelest thing ever? Did that girl really fart during her audition? And if she did, why don’t we get to see it?

Anyway, we’re in San Francisco, where they found Adam Lambert. Randy promises the new judges it will be “full of surprises,” and they agree that Steven Tyler will be “the mean one.” They turned out to be right. Still, Ryan is as full of promises as ever: the best talent we’ve seen on the road! The saddest stories! Bring it on, San Francisco.

And the Golden Tickets Go To …

Brittany Mazur, Lara Johnston, Matthew Nuss: Not only did these people avoid getting pooped on by seagulls, they also got Golden Tickets.

Clint “Junebug” Jun Gamboa: The karaoke host had a really strong, clear, voice. Finally. And I love his glasses because they look like the kind that babies wear. Randy advised him not to “lose it.” Take that advice and run with it, Clint.

Clintbabyglasses.jpgI finally got my California Gurls montage! Because finally the girls in San Francisco were good enough for a montage. Then one of the cutest girls in the world, Julie Zorrilla, sang her way into our hearts with her sparkle shoes. I wasn’t sold until she sang about the cotton, and then I thought she had the ability not to over-sing everything. California Gurls! Then Steven had to ruin it by saying, “best voice we ever heard ever,” in response to, “best birthday present ever.” Best voice? Winner? I don’t know. J. Lo seemed to think so.

JulieZorilla.jpgThe Saddest Stories Ever Told:

Stefano Langone: This Kent, WA native (thank you for not saying you’re from Seattle, Stefano!) was in a horrible accident. He was told he wouldn’t be able to walk but he’s basically Iron Man now. Iron Man with a piano keys belt buckle. What this guy might lack in pitch and control, he makes up for in scars. Aw, that was mean. He was good.

Stefano1.jpgEmily Anne Reed: “When you spread your wings, you better spread ’em far, kid!” Her house burned down. She really liked that house, too. Her singing voice was really unique and I loved it, but her speaking voice could get on my nerves real quick. Unique! Not Younique. ūüôĀ We miss you, Younique. Regardless, Emily sounds all sweet and old school. She got “one more chance” from J. Lo.

James Durbin: “The voice we’ve been waiting for,” promised Ryan Seacrest. Don’t overhype it or anything, Ryan! James, He of the mohawk, had a musical father, not that he’d know because his rockstar dad died when he was nine. James also has Tourettes and Aspbergers. Now he also has a kid. He’s ready to show America who James Durbin is, and before he even sang a note I felt like I knew enough. He’s doing that poor man’s Adam Lambert scream, he was wiping away tears as he sang, and the judges seemed to love him. I don’t know, it was just too much back story for me. Or maybe if he wasn’t dressed like that. I’m feeling skeptical tonight!

JamesDurbincrying2.jpgNo Ticket for You:

Ukranian Weirdo Inessa Lee: Randy was into it, but enough with the bellydancing fetish. I liked that she started sitting on the floor. Why not? They decided she was “cute as a button” and had a great spirit, but it was not happening. She left and didn’t even say anything to her husband, Long Duck Dong. Seriously, it’s like he watched Sixteen Candles and was like, “I want that exact outfit, please.”

inessaandlong.jpgDouble Sparkle! J. Lo and Steven Tyler, in a possible effort to alienate Randy, must have called each other on the morning of Day 2 and planned to wear sparkly/dotted knits that are terrible on camera.

Weston Lee Smith: He just apologized after he sang. I love it. There he was, signed, sealed, delivered, and possibly drunk?

Transformer Drew Beaumier: I’m not sure Steven was able to comprehend what was going on, or that Drew transformed. Randy couldn’t imagine himself “going to the market in that.” The market, Randy? Who cares, this guy gets a ticket from me!

robotindisguise.jpgDave Combs: Look at his luxurious locks! What I like about him is that he knows who he is. But it was a no for this lion of a man. He will now be known as the man who made Steven angry. And there were more luxurious locks, and angry Steven, to follow.

luxuriouslocks1.jpgI can’t wait for Hollywood Week to start! Let’s start making cuts! Did you see anyone with Top 12 potential in the San Francisco group? Too many sad stories or not enough?

(images courtesy of FOX)