With these results, American Idol will give us our true Top 12, as the voters have done what Jennifer Lopez couldn’t. We’ll also get a group number (such trepidation!) and performances from Adam Lambert and Diddy-plus-whoever-and-whatever he’s tacked onto his name now (Diddy-Dirty Money with Skylar Grey).

This week, the Top 13 performed for the first time as finalists, choosing songs by their “personal idols.” It was kind of a sleepy show, with lots of ballads, a little over-singing, and a few underwhelming performances. I predict that we’ll see Ashthon Jones go home, even though I thought she might be Peaches’ Pet (the contestant Ryan Seacrest will inexplicably touch more than the rest). But at least I overstand what each contestant is all about now. Well, maybe not, but I really wanted to use “overstand.”

This week’s theme is “Idols” (how inventive!), and if it’s not already obvious by now, my personal idol is Ryan Seacrest. You know he goes home after taping an episode of American Idol to swim in his giant pool full of gold coins Scrooge McDuck style!

Tonight in judge fashion, Steven Tyler is wearing a black lace duster, and one of Jennifer Lopez’s sleeves is making up for the loss of its mate by being extra puffy. Randy put his outfit on the night before and slept in it because “it saves time in the morning.” (He didn’t say that. I love Randy.)

Judgefashiontop13.jpgThirty million votes came in this week, but it was still not enough to save one person. Speaking of saving, the Judges’ Save is back in play this season. Oh, cool. Ryan tells us that Casey Abrams is missing because he’s sick in the hospital (again)! At least he’s a better performer than Christina Christian, who was sick and missed the results show in which she was eliminated. I think they wheeled her out in a wheelchair at some point, too, or am I making that up?

The finalists got a video montage of them enjoying their swanky Season 10 Idol Mansion, and I could watch Jacob Lusk react to things all night long. Well, I’d prefer it to the group lip-sync that followed. At least, I think it was lip-synced, especially because of how some voices sounded and the way Haley forgot not to mouth the words she wasn’t singing. But some of the singers (Lauren Alaina, in particular) did not sound like they had the advantage of studio magic.

The Michael Jackson medley group performance was SO delightfully awkward. I wanted it to go on forever. James Durbin didn’t even sound like himself, and forgot to hold the fake microphone up to his mouth. Ashthon was giving the camera her sexiest faces, and Scotty was relying on his old country charm. It was a HOT MESS.

As if that wasn’t enough, we were then subjected to the Ford music video. They were ripping parts of the city down and turned it into a stage, upon which they sang to an audience full of Ford Focuses.

FordMusicvideo1.jpgHey, Amanda Seyfried, didja like that movie you were in? Spoiler alert: She did! It was “the best experience of her life.” But it’s not about you, Amanda; the Red Riding Hood premiere was all about the Idol contestants. The finalists were excited about Twilight stars and Lance Bass. Seeing the movie was the best experience of their lives, except I think Scotty and Lauren fell asleep. It may have been past their bedtime (I had to say it).

RedRidingHoodpremiere.jpgHey, Ryan, how about some real content? DIM THE LIGHTS, KAREN! Kieron? Not like people behind the scenes matter as much as Ryan Seacrest. Jacob, Stefano and Karen are the first three called to the center of the stage. Ryan asks Jacob, “Can you fly?” because he asks the questions that MATTER. Then he asked Stefano how good it felt to be shunned by America.

Jacob and Stefano are safe, and Karen Rodriguez is in the bottom three. The way Ryan told her was pretty messed up: “You’re all safe … except … except for Karen Rodriguez.” Ryan should really be better at this by now.

Finally, Adam Lambert performed and the show got 25 times classier. He’s singing a remix of  “Aftermath” or is it “Aftermath Remix”? Anyway, if you download this song, the proceeds will go to help the Trevor Project, so if you like it you should actually pay for a copy instead of pirating it. Adam Lambert, I love you and your shiny hair. The long moment of Jennifer Lopez and Ryan Seacrest discussing “the Dougie” was gratuitous.

JLothedougie.jpgGuess we’re not worried about time! DIM THE LIGHTS, KAREN! Not you, Karen Rodriguez! You’re already in the bottom, try to relax. Lauren Alaina, Ashthon Jones and Haley Reinhart are called to center stage next. Some of you have been complaining about Lauren Alaina in the comments, and I’m starting to understand why. She is a little too cutesy. Ryan made her cry (or she made herself cry), and so he tells her that she is safe. They love the fake-out on Idol, don’t they?

Ashthon is next, she regrets picking another more obscure song. Randy tells Haley that he loves her “husky” tone, and he loved her in that group number. I don’t think that was even Haley’s voice she was lip-syncing to, Randy. Jennifer Lopez recommends that Haley sing some Stevie Nicks.

In another weird move, Ryan tells Ashthon that she is in the bottom three … ALONG WITH HALEY. So … everyone else on the couch is safe!  So weird. Karen Rodriguez, Ashthon Jones and Haley Reinhart are in the bottom three, and this leaves plenty of time for BANTER!

HaleyandAshthon.jpgAnd now a performance from Diddy-Dirty Money with Skylar Grey. If you have not been eagerly anticipating this performance, you could get up and get a snack or something. Or maybe you’re like me and you’re not sure exactly what Diddy-Dirty Money is (it’s P. Diddy and some members of Danity Kane of Making the Band fame?). I just found out about “overstand” and had to look up how to spell “the dougie,” so don’t rely on me for up-to-date pop culture information.

Then Ryan Seacrest moved them over to the contestant couch so that Diddy could tell the contestants never to give up on their dreams. Maybe he should have said something to the bottom three, unless bottom-dwellers are dead to the likes of Diddy-Dirty Money. I don’t know his/their/its personal philosophy.

DDMdontgiveup.jpgDIM THE LIGHTS, KAREN! And as for you, Karen Rodriguez, you are safe. Don’t sing a Selena song again. Haley is safe, and Ashthon is singing for the save, which she will almost certainly not get. But who knows, this is her second week singing under pressure and it worked last time! I like her hair, because it is both hip and somewhat mystical.

ashthonunicorn.jpgThe judges, naturally, are not using the save, and Ashthon will not get to live in the American Idol Mansion anymore. That may be the biggest bummer of all. So, Ashthon Jones is going home. Did you see it coming?

Oh, and I would like nothing more than to forget that David Cook covered “Don’t You (Forget About Me),” so let’s accept what is and move forward.

(Images courtesy of FOX)

Carla Patton

Writer, BuddyTV

Originally from Seattle, Carla recently took a husband and moved to Austin, Texas, where she is finally using her television “problem” to her advantage. It’s sort of like Dexter, but boring and less murdering. Carla’s favorite shows include 30 RockThe Amazing RaceProject RunwayModern Family, anything with murder, and pretty much anything gross and weird (CSIThe BachelorToddlers & Tiaras, etc.). Favorite canceled shows include: Arrested DevelopmentVeronica Mars and Average Joe. In her spare time, Carla leads tours of downtown Austin on a Segway (don’t knock it ’til you’ve tried it!), blogs about Netflix Instant, and visits elementary schools telling children they don’t need math to succeed (just kidding, stay in school, kids).