Previously on A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila: Tila made her top six do and eat disgusting things to prove their love for her. Because they wouldn’t get something as permanent as a tattoo or piercing for some chick they just met a few days earlier, George and Lisa were sent home.
Tonight’s episode sends Tila Tequila to the hometowns of the final four and it looks like we have plenty of rivals to Dani’s grandmother, who holds the all-time great family member quote: “Put that butt on these knees.”
Bo in Ohio
Tila Tequila calls the state Bo-hio, which makes me hate her more. He takes her to a practice for the high school football team he coaches. The young boys are stunned and in awe that their lame coach landed such a hottie. They let her know they all have his phone number, which is creepy when taken out of context. Heck, it’s even creepy in context.
At Bo’s house, his whole family is so nice and his mom made Tila cookies. Bo tells his family about the broken jaw, revealing he was upset his mom wasn’t by his side for his first surgery and broken bone. Bo’s dad refers to him as Brandon and his mom shows off her massive tongue. Tila makes inappropriate comments about Bo’s mom and sister possibly being bisexual while Bo’s little brother sits there. Little brother Brent is grossed out when he learns what bisexuality is. Before leaving, Bo’s mom also refers to the state as Bo-hio, making me hate her too.
Kristy in New York
They go ice skating, and Kristy reveals her biggest regret is quitting ice skating after high school. She hasn’t lost much and is pretty great, while Tila is just clumsy like an ox. Kristy preps Tila by saying her bisexual aunt will be at the house, though they’re nervous because Tila is the first girl Kristy has ever brought home.
Kristy’s dad is super cool about the whole gay thing, and Aunt Mimi is all about switching teams, because it’s just based on love, not gender. They retire to the living room where Kristy’s dad puts on some of Tila’s music. Tila removes the dad’s belt and starts spanking him with it. Then Tila grinds her bottom onto Kristy’s brother until he gets a woody. This is followed by Tila motorboating Mimi (look it up if you don’t know what it means). Kristy’s dad and aunt then give Tila lap dances. Tila is in Heaven and loves the whole family.
Brittany in California
They go to some bar and Brittany bought some presents with a card that reads like a pathetic plea for Tila to love her. Brittany is overly needy, and while most of her family is gone, her dad is the only family member in town, and even Brittany didn’t meet him until she was 16 when she tracked him down.
Also in attendance are Brittany’s best lady friend and her male roommate. Tila finds Brittany’s dad super hot. Brittany prepared a dinner of Tila’s favorite things: grape soda, fried chicken, pickles and rice. Brittany is trying so hard and is clearly one of those people who obsesses over every small piece of info the person she’s dating provides and blows them up. If Tila said, “Oh yeah, I like gum,” the next day, Brittany would probably get a job at the Juicy Fruit factory. Brittany also made a scrapbook of her baby photos to show Tila.
Jay in New Jersey
First, as I mentioned in my recap last season when Tila Tequila visited Ryan Creighton’s hometown, I too am a Jersey boy and love my home state. Also note that not once in this whole segment is the state called New Jay-sey, though with our accents, it would probably sound normal.
In attendance are Jay’s brother, his parents and his step-parents. Somehow this family dynamic gets along…really well. Jay’s brother finds Tila hot and Tila finds his two moms hot. One of the moms says her son has to marry an Asian girl because he likes teriyaki sauce. Jay and Tila make out at the table as his parents look on, cooing over how cute she is. Jay’s dad wants Tila to hook up with his wife, then Tila goes around and kisses both the moms. No, seriously. Tila wants to see Jay’s moms’ breasts, so they whip them out at the dinner table while Jay and his brother close their eyes. Then the two moms kiss.
As if this wasn’t enough of a creepy family orgy already, Jay wants everyone to get in the hot tub. The whole family passes Tila around while everyone starts making out with one another. Tila once again kisses one of Jay’s moms. After the hot tub, Jay sits down with the men of the family, and they all encourage him to chase his own happiness. Adam likes her because if anything happens to Jay, he can pass her over. Meanwhile, Tila hops in bed with Jay’s moms and cedes that this family is infinitely crazier than she is.
Tila finally leaves, and I have to say…HOLY F***ING CRAP! That was the single craziest thing I’ve ever seen on TV, and I watched Twin Peaks.
Finally it’s back to the Shot at Love mansion. The final four discuss their trips. Brittany talks about her boring card. Kristy talks about her crazy family dance party, thinking no one can top it. Bo thinks his trip went smoothly. Jay tells the tale of the family orgy and everyone else is thinking, ‘AWKWARD!’ Bo and Brittany resent how lame their hometown visits were by comparison
A Shot at Love 2 Elimination Time! Kristy gets the first key because her family is freaky and awesome. Bo gets the second key in spite of being kind of a tool. Jay flips him the double bird, though Tila doesn’t seem to notice. Tila says that Jay is just not her type and he gets eliminated.
Oh hells no, Tila clearly hates Jersey, because this is the second season in a row the Jersey boy gets eliminated after she visits the state. Jay is upset, breaking things the whole time, calling Bo a little bitch and telling Tila to shut her mouth. Jay keeps talking about how much he wants to punch Bo and how retarded everyone left is. It’s quite the Jersey temper tantrum.
Next week on A Shot at Love 2: The final three go to Cancun. Tila will spend one romantic night with everyone before narrowing it down to her final two.
-John Kubicek, BuddyTV Senior Writer
(Image courtesy of MTV)