Welcome to the most fun you can get from an awards show. The 70th Annual Golden Globe Awards honor the best in TV and film, and I’ll be here for the full three hours with all the winners.

2013 Golden Globe Awards: The Best Moments >>>

On the TV side, the Golden Globes consolidated the winners with Homeland and Game Change taking three awards each while Girls picked up two. House of Lies and Hatfields and McCoys also won awards, so obviously having a title that starts with “G” or “H” means you will win awards.

For films, the wealth was spread around. Les Miserables was the big winner with three awards (Comedy/Musical, Actor and Supporting Actress). Argo picked up two big wins (Drama and Director) and  Django Unchained also got two wins for Supporting Actor Christoph Waltz and writer Quentin Tarantino. Top Oscar nominees Lincoln, Life of Pi, Silver Linings Playbook and Zero Dark Thirty all got one award each.

Here’s my live blog of the awards:

Tina and Amy got off to a funny start with jokes about Rick Gervais, Anne Hathaway’s ill-fated Oscar hosting gig and one-off jokes about many of the stars in the audience. But the best line was definitely this one:

Host Amy Poehler on Zero Dark Thirty director Kathryn Bigelow: “When it comes to torture, I trust the woman who spent three years married to James Cameron.”

Best Supporting Actor in a Film

The winner is…Christoph Waltz, Django Unchained

Apparently every time Waltz stars in a Quentin Tarantino film, he wins awards. He won this same award three years ago for Inglourious Basterds.

Best Supporting Actress in a TV Series, Miniseries or TV Movie

The winner is…Maggie Smith, Downton Abbey

She’s not here.Oh well, she’s won so many awards it’s hard to keep track.

Best Miniseries or TV Movie

The winner is…Game Change

This movie aired so long ago that I’m kind of over it winning awards. But it was still pretty great. Sarah Palin jokes, however, are so over.

Best Actress in a Miniseries or TV Movie

The winner is…Julianne Moore, Game Change

Good, let’s get all of Game Change’s wins done with in a single segment. Sadly we’ll have to sit through yet another Moore acceptance speech at the SAG Awards in two weeks. For some reason, Amy Poehler appeared as a special sixth nominee, Darcy St. Budge as a psychic who solved her own murder in a movie called Dog President. It was an extremely unfunny joke.

When the Hollywood Foreign Press Association president is walked out and then stammers like a person just released from a mental institution, it kind of negates the importance of the Golden Globe Awards.

Best Actor in a TV Series – Drama

The winner is…Damian Lewis, Homeland

Well, it looks like Homeland could get a complete sweep. I’ll never get past that British accent.

Best TV Series – Drama

The winner is…Homeland

Yup, let’s prepare for the sweep. It’s odd that the Golden Globes put this category so early. Homeland also won last year. In the speech, the EPs say they had a hard time trying to live up to the brilliance of season 1, and this award validates that maybe they did. I, and many other critics, would beg to disagree.

Best Score

The winner is…Life of Pi

Um, OK. Good for him, I guess.

Best Song

The winner is…”Skyfall,” Skyfall

Hooray for Adele! She’s crazy happy and hilarious, saying that she and her friends have been “pissing ourselves laughing” all night. Also, this is the first Bond song to win a Golden Globe.

Best Actor in a Miniseries or TV Movie

The winner is…Kevin Costner, Hatfields and McCoys

Costner may be the dullest man in America. He gets upstaged by Tina Fey doing another one of those phony nominee bits from the fake movie Dog President. It’s just as funny the second time around, by which I mean not at all.

Bill Clinton is in the house! And, as expected, he gets a standing ovation. He’s here to present Best Picture nominee Lincoln. Damn, getting the president’s seal of approval is a surefire way to make a movie a clear frontrunner to win every award. Just ask Homeland. The hosts get the last laugh with Amy Poehler being excited about seeing Hillary Clinton’s husband and Tina Fey calling him “Bill Rodham Clinton.”

Best Actress in a Film – Comedy/Musical

The winner is…Jennifer Lawrence, Silver Linings Playbook

This girl just won about three dozen People’s Choice Awards, so this makes sense. She gloats about beating Meryl, which is kinda funny. Presenters Kristen Wiig and Will Ferrell stole the show by rambling on with fake plots for the nominated movies, acting like they have no idea what they are, just like everyone else in America. Salmon Fishing in the Yemen? C’mon, that can’t be a real movie. The Quartet, Hope Springs? No one has even heard of those films.

Best Supporting Actor in a TV Series, Miniseries or TV Movie

The winner is…Ed Harris, Game Change

Ouch, Mandy Patinkin should’ve won. Ed Harris isn’t here either.

Best Supporting Actress in a Film

The winner is…Anne Hathaway, Les Miserables

If you watch awards shows, you’ll be seeing this outcome a lot this year. She opens by giving Tina Fey a shout-out by saying “Blerg.” She sends lots of love to Sally Field as a “vanguard against typecasting” because the Flying Nun became Norma Rae and Mama Gump. That’s good news for the girl who started out in The Princess Diaries.

Best Screenplay

The winner is…Quentin Tarantino, Django Unchained

Awesome for Quentin Tarantino! He last won 18 years ago for Pulp Fiction. His speech is mad, a little egotistical and just plain cool. He’s dam surprised, and unlike many people who say this at awards show, I actually believe him.

Best Actor in a TV Series – Comedy/Musical

The winner is…Don Cheadle, House of Lies

I wanted Louis C.K. to win, but Cheadle is cool too. Oddly enough, House of Lies season 2 actually begins in 30 minutes.

Best Foreign Language Film

The winner is…Amour

Whoever decided to have Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger present this award deserves an award himself since neither of them can speak clear English. I just wish they forced the two men to read all the nominees in their original languages.

Best Actress in a TV Series – Drama

The winner is…Claire Danes, Homeland

Duh. Fun Fact: Danes is only the third actress in history to win this award more than once for the same role. Edie Falco in The Sopranos and Angela Lansbury in Murder, She Wrote are the other two. She thanks her newborn son and the costume designer for letting out her pants every week in season 2 since she was pregnant the whole time.

Best Animated Film

The winner is…Brave

Presenter Sacha Baron Cohen roasting his own film, Les Miserables, was hilarious, commending “Hugh Jackson” and sarcastically saying Russell Crowe’s four months of singing lessons was “money well spent.” Somehow the guy accepting the award for Brave seemed to think Cohen’s shouting was a requirement.

Best Actress in a TV Series – Comedy/Musical

The winner is…Lena Dunham, Girls

BOOOOO! I know everyone loves this show and thinks it’s so cool, but I’m one of those people who can’t stand it. She’s very sincere, although I feel like winning major awards kind of diminishes her indie, hipster cred. Like Don Cheadle, it’s amusing that her show just premiered its second season tonight. At least presenter Aziz Ansari made me laugh by acting stoned courtesy of the weed provided by the Downton Abbey cast. And Amy Poehler proved once again why she deserves to win by snuggling with George Clooney when the camera cut to her.

After losing, Tina and Amy are brilliant by pretending to be drunk, “congratulating” Lena Dunham, pointing out a drunk Glenn Close and ordering Taylor Swift to stay away from Mr. Golden Globes, Michael J. Fox’s son.

Cecil B. DeMille Award: Jodie Foster

Man, I love Contact, I don’t care what anyone says about the ending. Also, Maverick was a kick-ass film. I know she’s done a bunch of iconic films, but those two are my favorites. She’s enthusiastic and gives a great, funny, moving speech about how her private life should remain private, though she basically comes out as gay as officially as she ever will.

Best Director

The winner is…Ben Affleck, Argo

Suck it, Oscars! Affleck was robbed of an Academy Award nomination but he’s very gracious and gives a shout-out to Paul Thomas Anderson, calling him a modern-day Orson Welles. I agree. Affleck rambles and tries to get all of his thoughts out as quickly as possible.

Best TV Series – Comedy/Musical

The winner is…Girls

Sigh. If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. So I won’t say anything more about Girls.

The TV categories are over, and Homeland, House of Lies, Girls and Downton Abbey are the only series to win, with Game Change and Hatfields and McCoys picking up the other awards. That seems kind of narrow and limited given how much greatness there is on TV. That’s five for HBO, four for Showtime and one each for PBS and History Channel.

Best Actor in a Film – Comedy/Musical

The winner is…Hugh Jackman, Les Miserables

DAMNIT! Jennifer Garner was the presenter and I desperately wanted an Alias reunion on stage with Bradley Cooper winning. That would’ve been awesome. Oh well, Jackman is pretty darn charming anyway.

Best Film – Comedy/Musical

The winner is…Les Miserables

Is it really fair to lump comedies and musicals together? Maybe if they’re funny musicals, but not Les Mis.

Best Actress in a Film – Drama

The winner is…Jessica Chastain, Zero Dark Thirty

Like Anne Hathaway, she’s gonna win every award, so get used to seeing her.

Best Actor in a Film – Drama

The winner is…Daniel Day-Lewis, Lincoln

You can’t stop this man either. The Oscars could get pretty boring if we just get these same winners, which we probably will.

Best Film – Drama

The winner is…Argo

Well, that certainly makes the top prize at the Oscars a lot more interesting since Lincoln is the current favorite. But with Argo taking Best Film and Best Director, it’s now a real contender, as is Les Miserables. We’ve got a three-way race!

(Image courtesy of NBC)

John Kubicek

Senior Writer, BuddyTV

John watches nearly every show on TV, but he specializes in sci-fi/fantasy like The Vampire DiariesSupernatural and True Blood. However, he can also be found writing about everything from Survivor and Glee to One Tree Hill and Smallville.