Playing Catch Up
It's here, whether you wanted it or not
: another season of Bachelor Pad
. And this time around, the Bachelor
's monstrous bastard child is bigger, crazier, meaner, more dramatic and full of 800% more crying than last season. Can you handle it? Can you handle the heat of actual Hell radiating through your television?
I hope so, because it's my blessing, my curse, my job, my gift and my cross to bear that I must recap this shiny, shirtless web of sickness and sorrow for your entertainment -- and even I have to admit, as much as I hate to love to love-hate it, there's a lot of entertainment here. It's a veritable "who's who" of top-tier Bachelor
drama. Jake and Vienna: Reunited! Michael and Holly: They Used to Be Engaged, But Now They Are Not! Rated R: Hate That Guy! Michelle Money: The Witch Is Back! They're all
back, they've all got nothing to lose, and they're all competing for $250,000. Game, and shame
, on.We've got three whole hours to cover (that's the longest prime time premiere EVER, you guys) so buckle up, grab your barf bag, and let's jump in.
Before we can watch them make each other miserable, we first need to catch up with this season's biggest drama-makers to answer the question on everyone's minds': "Who are you again?"
(Refresh your memory of the whole cast here.
R": The wrestler.
After a year to reflect on getting caught with a girlfriend on The Bachelorette ...
he's learned nothing, except that acting like a jackass gets him the attention he craves. And so his "strategy" for
combating his bad Bachelorette
reputation is as expected as it is stupid: to play
dirty and get revenge, especially against the men who badmouthed him on
TV and to Ali. "If there are any guys there from my season, watch out,
because I'm gunning ... for you
," he says, pointing at the camera like
Canada's Douchey Uncle Sam. God, I just hate him so much. I hope he gets
Jackie: The sweet bitch.
She's "really tired of being single" after
Brad Womack gave Michelle a rose over her, so for Jackie this is a chance to find a new boyfriend, and maybe win some money! (There's no way she's winning the money.) She's nervous
that Michelle Money might be in the house, since at last season's Women
Jackie made Michelle cry by saying, "I equate you to a spider:
You're creepy, and I don't think you're humorous." She's sweet, but not as sweet as she seems.
Michelle: The lady-villain.
At least that's what she was last
season, when her aggressive/hilarious death threats and sexual manipulations (which she claimed were JOKES) earned her the moniker "Crazy Michelle." She wants to win the show so she
can provide for her daughter and, more important (to her, and her
image) help her father, who has stage-four colon cancer. This is a markedly different Michelle than the one we watched hope that Chantal would get eaten by wild monkeys last season. But once she re-enters the Bachelor
mansion, I still think she'll let her Crazy Michelle side take over. It's the perfect combo: Good Daughter Michelle wants the money, and Crazy Michelle will do anything to get it.
Gia: The backwash.
Gia holds up a chart to explain how
she got here. Again.
"I was on that show and the guy dumped me for that girl so then I was on this show and I dumped this guy for that guy but then that guy dumped me for that girl from the first show so now I hate that guy and that girl and I'm on THIS show with the first guy and that girl. Get it?"
But we don't really need a chart to tell us that if the definition of insanity is "doing the same thing over and over again and
expecting different results," then Gia is demonstrating the
definition of BATSH*T STUPID INSANITY: Doing the same thing over and
over on reality television and expecting anyone to take you seriously. The swimsuit model who has now been on three Bachelor shows (and more
professional athletes!) says of her frenemy Vienna -- who stole her ex-boyfriend Wes Hayden, whom Gia cheated on with her PREVIOUS boyfriend -- "all she cares about is fame."
Vienna: The drama queen. Since her infamous breakup with Jake, she's got a new haircut, a new boyfriend, and the same old entitled attitude.
"The guy who got the tattoo." He's head over heels for Vienna (though no one will ever explain WHY), even
though he's afraid she might hurt him. There is one thing that brings
these two lovebirds closer together: Their vehement hatred for her ex-fiance.
"I'm going to go take a Jake, and wipe my Pavelka," says Kasey, ever the
Jake: The fallen star. He claims that Vienna sold him out to the
tabloids and crushed his heart, and his biggest goal for Bachelor Pad is
to get closure with her -- but as we all know, it's pretty hard to
take anything "fake Jake" says seriously. Every time he smiles
that big, creepy smile of his, I imagine his hand holding a different
large, sharp weapon behind his back.
Erica Rose: The princess. It's been several years since we last saw
Erica on The Bachelor, but very little has changed -- except that her
face seems to be melting. Otherwise she's still spoiled, deluded and a
never-ending well of second-hand embarrassment. She's too old for the tiaras, not
quite as sexy as she seems to think (and dance like) she is, and prone
to saying things like, "My astrologer thinks I'm going to win." When I'm not
thinking too hard about how sad and hollow her eyes/existence are,
she's pretty funny.
Graham: The nice guy. Hot Graham the basketball player is back!
Since Deanna dumped him for not "opening up," he's started a clothing
company and gives a lot to charity. He seems too good for this show. I
guess he really wants the money, no matter the reputation risk.
Ella: The mom. She's here for the money, plain and simple. She wants
to provide for her young son. We also learn something we never knew
about Ella when she was vying for Jake: When she was young, her
step-father brutally murdered her mother right in front of her when she
was three years old. She will do "whatever it takes" to give her son the
life she didn't have with her own mother. WHOA. That's one hell of an
origin story, so now I'm kind of expecting (or hoping) for Ella to
become this season's lady superhero.
Holly: The runaway bride. She and Michael Stagliano from The
Bachelorette season 5 were engaged until she panicked and broke it off.
They got back together, but then he broke up with her ("recently," she says) when he couldn't get over the broken engagement. Now they're in the same house together! How miserable for them/delightful for us!
Michael: The jilted groom. He says the day Holly broke it off with
him was the worst day of his life. Something tells me that being in the
same house with the woman who crushed his soul will bring on a lot more
"worst days" for poor Michael.
It's time for everyone to enter the house, one by
one, limo by limo. Michelle Money is first, and she's got her eyebrows
of evil drawn on. Yes! Blake Julian is next. "I'm here to win $250,000,"
says the dentist Ashley dumped this season,"and maybe a few hearts
along the way." One of those hearts, as this season's preview suggests,
will belong to Holly, who is next to arrive. She shows up in
a super-short furry pink skirt, just to show Michael exactly what he's
missing. I can't decide if I like her or not -- she looks like a cute
little chipmunk, but something tells me she's going to be trouble.
Speaking of trouble: Rated R is next to the house, and he immediately douches up the whole place. Every word out of his mouth is a self-satisfied
turd. Erica announces her own arrival: "The princess is
here!" I am mesmerized by her massive, botoxed lips. If they get any bigger, they'll droop below her chin. Then Vienna and her original nose (R.I.P.) show up. They're trying to compensate
for her nerves with a big smile, but it's clear that she's already on the
verge of tears. I will be shocked if she holds up long enough to
actually have a shot at the money. Someone says, "Speak of the devil!"
when she walks in. High-five if you yelled, "LITERALLY!"
weird gem, Ames, is next. Love him, love everything that comes
out of his silver-spoon-eating, poetry-reciting mouth. Gia shows up, all
hair-flips, giggles and vicious statements against Vienna. Everyone is
confused about why and how she gets another go-round, like this show has
rules and standards or something? Vienna has been telling everyone that
Jake is a psycho, but when Gia comes in, she immediately starts to sing his
praises. Whose story can we trust? Whose side should we take? The rest
of the cast can't decide, but for me, that's an easy one: No one
and neither. They're all terrible fake liars! Case closed.
is next -- just in time to begin guarding and protecting
Vienna's heart before Jake walks in. He claims they have a "plan" to
eliminate Jake early and win the money. Can't wait to see what their
brain trust has come up with. But while he and Vienna are focused on
Jake, another enemy is emerging: Rated R says Kasey was his "nemesis" on
, and he hopes to break up Kasey and Vienna (whom he
calls Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy) and get them eliminated as soon as
possible. It would be a lot more dramatic if I didn't loathe all of the
people involved in these plots. But that's Bachelor Pad
for you. The
hardest part is finding someone to root for.
walks in, and Michelle's eyebrows are set to KILL. I didn't realize how much I missed them.
Michelle's evil eyebrows, will you accept this rose?
tries to say hi, but Michelle will have none of it. Alli
from Brad's season -- most memorable for hating bugs and starting a
high-school feud with The Manscaper, respectively -- show up next and no
one, least of all us, seems to care. Meanwhile, Blake notes that he
feels like he's moved into a "dysfunctional household," and Holly swoons
over how he uses "big words." (So we're meant to think that Holly is
dumb. Got it.)
If you ask me, Holly IS dumb to let a guy like Michael
go. He's the
next to show up, and it already breaks my heart to see how clearly Not
Over It he is. The rest of the attractive seat-fillers start to file in:
(Mama Bear), followed by Kirk
from Ali's season (LOVE HIM),
followed by William
"Ding Dong" Holman, the self-described "30 year old
boy" who made Ashley cry during her comedy roast. If that's what he managed when he was trying to be his best
, I can only imagine how stupid make himself look on this show, which is designed to bright out everyone's worst.
Jake vs. Vienna: Round One
Only one contestant is left to
arrive, and it's the moment we've been waiting for: THE PAVELKA HAS
Before he walks in, Kasey advises Vienna to "play the vulnerable
card" with the group so they'll feel sorry for her and vote Jake out.
It's hard to know how much is a "card" she's playing and how much is
real fear and anxiety. She may be a famewhore, but Jake genuinely seems to scare the crap out of her. I just don't think she's a talented enough actress to be faking all of it. Plus, he scares me too. I get it!
Jake walks in, truly the guest of honor at the Awkwardness Ball. When he
gets to Kasey, he says, "Hey! I know who YOU are! Terrific!
" like a real goon. Then he
immediately walks out to where Vienna is standing with a small group and
says, "Good to see you. You look nice." Clearly, Jake's plan is to
pretend nothing bothers him until Vienna's head falls off in a fit
of rage. Instead, Vienna, head intact, runs to
the kitchen and cries. He may not literally be able to guard and
protect her heart, but Kasey proves useful to her in one
way: While she's crying in the corner, he's trying to garner sympathy on Vienna's behalf with his special brand of improv love poetry. "It hurts my
heart to see her heart hurt,"
he tells Ella.
Jake pulls Kasey aside and says he doesn't want to get in the way of
their relationship, and he just wants them to be happy. "I'm not in
love with her anymore, but I'll always care and support you guys," he
says. They agree to disagree about whether Jake is a scumbag and shake
on it, awkwardly. It's even weirder because they look alike. Jake thinks he's just sealed a truce, but Kasey's programming dictates that, shake or no handshake, Jake is the enemy and in order to protect his
girlfriend, Kasey must do everything in his power, even sacrifice himself, to see Jake go home.
Chris Harrison walks in and announces that for the first challenge, they'll be
competing in opposite-sex pairs, so everyone needs to couple up. He then puts on a poncho, releases the dam on the river of alcohol and steps aside to let the coupling commence.
The next morning, Blake and Kirk have
their own version of The Hangover,
made weirder by the fact that they look and talk so much alike.
(Everyone on this show is white and pretty. All the men on this show look like a bunch of Pavelkas, but these two could be twins. It's FREAKY.) After a few too many cocktails each,
Blake ended up with crazy Melissa as his partner, while Kirk got stuck
with Princess Erica. Kirk doesn't even know what the challenge is yet, but he's
already declaring, "I'm totally screwed." It's only been a few hours, but Ames and Jackie are already
intertwined on an outdoor bed, planning their life together, but --
TWIST! -- they've decided not to partner for the challenge together, to keep a target from
forming on their backs.
The Challenge: "The Hook Up"
As we saw last week, the first
challenge lays it all on the table, err, bed
, as the couples must strap
in, hold on and survive first of many sex games this season. Suspended in
harnesses high above makeshift beds, the women must hold on to the men (and will their fake
breasts to weigh less) as the men must hold them up (and will themselves not to get an
erection). It's all about teamwork!
PRIMETIME TV AT ITS FINEST
Vienna brags that she used to be a
gymnast (of the pole-swinging variety?), but more importantly, she has
the power of LOVE, so she and Kasey clearly have this in the bag.
Gia and William
are the first to fall -- Gia is furious that she
went to all the trouble of being anorexic if it wasn't Will's "priority"
to hold her up. Will confesses that it was his priority to have a
swimsuit model wrapped around him, that's all. Holly
gives up on
straddling her ex-fiance Michael
, saying, "I'd rather be drinking!" (Does that mean I have to like her? Ugh, this show is so confusing!) Ella
gives up and says, "It was worse than
childbirth." Probably because she was paired with Satan's #1 son, Rated
. More and more couples fall, until it's the showdown we've been hoping
for: Kasey and Vienna versus Jake and Jackie.
Vienna tries to keep up
morale by yelling, inspiring Kasey to say my favorite words of the
episode: "Baby, don't talk. It ruins my strength."
Vienna tries to hold on to Kasey with all her might, but in the end,
Jake's dark powers and juiced-up pecs are too much for them. Jake and
They each get a rose, which means they have immunity from
the first elimination. Jake knows he needed this, and Vienna looks like
she's going to barf as she realizes that he's sticking around. She and
Kasey retreat to their hot tub of despair, where Vienna picks a fight
with Kasey for not defeating the law of gravity, and then calls him an
"a**hole" for fighting with her on camera.
"O, that this were a hot tub time machine, so I could go
back to a happier time, like when Ali left me alone on
that glacier in Iceland."
The next morning, Vienna cries to Kasey that everyone hates her and
is out to get her, and it's all his fault. "It's this huge triangle of
annoyance," says Kasey, once again inadvertently verbalizing my feelings
about this entire affair. But instead of just dumping her and walking
out, he hugs her and says he loves her "more than peanut butter
cookies, the grandma ones." But again, no one will explain WHY. Whatever they have between them, I think less of him for it, but not
as less as I always think about Vienna.
The Date: El Creepazoid at El Capitan
The date card comes, and Jake and
Jackie learn that they have a third rose to give out after their date.
For a fundamentally idiotic show, I still don't have the most solid
handle on the rules (besides the No Shirts Allowed Rule), but apparently
that means that they can save a third person at this week's Driveway
Rose Ceremony, where the men get rid of one woman and the women get rid
of one man and the rest of us get rid of whatever is left in our wine
glass and wonder why we gave three whole hours of our precious lives to
this. Everyone thinks that Jake will convince/brainwash Jackie to give
it to his best friend Gia, because behind her asinine giggle is an asinine brain that apparently is still a huge threat.
As they head out on their date, Jake isn't thrilled about the
potential for romance -- he's thrilled for how that extra rose might
"upset" the power couple, Kasey and Vienna. I hope that Jackie brought
her Patience Panties. And her mace.
Their "date" begins with walking around
Hollywood Boulevard trolling for fans. And it works! A little girl is so "starstruck"
by Jake Pavelka that she starts sobbing when he shakes her hand and says
meeting him was her "dream come true."
Kids idolize the darndest psychopaths!
I wonder when this 3rd grader
decided she was Jake's biggest fan. I hope it was when he verbally
abused his fiancee on TV for half an hour.
Jake and Jackie see the sign at the El Capitan theater
inviting them to the "best seats in the house" -- a
couch behind the sign. But they can't even see the stage from there! And they have to climb through the window to get to the
couch! Well, this date is appropriately idiotic, but at least we get to watch as Jake resists his Dark Passenger's temptation to push Jackie
off the ledge. "Have patience, my pet,"
he whispers to the darkness
inside. "The game, like the night, is young. You won't go hungry."
Instead, Jake tries to
capitalize on what Jackie just witnessed between him and his Number One
(Number Only?) fan, and evoke more sympathy by telling his side of the breakup with
Vienna. What a fun date for her.
"Drink every time I say 'gosh' or 'misery.'"
"We kind of lived a fairy tale until it started airing," says Jake
about his time with Vienna on The Bachelor.
(So, a month?) Then the
tabloids started coming down on them. They got to the eight
month mark and started having the "normal problems that any relationship
would have" (like accusing each other of being gay, being in it for the
fame, poisoning each other's dogs, etc.) and then Vienna
surprise-dumped him and sold the whole story to a tabloid. He says he loved Vienna so much that he still thought they might reconcile
after that. "I think I'm a pretty good judge of character, and I
do believe Jake," says Jackie. One part of the sentence refutes the
other -- that's always fun!
Jake is still talking about Vienna. And,
unfortunately for Vienna, he's being very convincing, talking about how
he lashed out at her in their interview because he was so hurt. He seals the whole story with a real "look what a good guy I am!" doozy: When Vienna walked in
for their post breakup interview, Jake says his first thought was, "Man,
I'm so mad at her, I can't believe she looks so great tonight.
their entire relationship was based on physical attraction
he loved her!
All of this has touched Jackie deep inside her naive silly heart, and
inspires her to come up with either the stupidest or most
brilliant idea that this brilliantly-stupid show has ever seen: LET'S
GIVE THE EXTRA ROSE TO VIENNA! "It will be a peace offering from Jake,"
poor dumb little Jackie says. "I want Jake to have a little bit of
credibility to make amends with Vienna." HAHAHA! Jake rubs his face in
Oh crap. I took it too far, didn't I?
He wanted to get Jackie on his side, but he didn't know her gullibility would come back to bite him in the ass so soon.
Jackie just forced
his hand. When he said he wants to make peace, he didn't ACTUALLY MEAN
he wants to make peace -- especially not with a rose. Jake ceremonially
giving roses to Vienna is what got them into this mess in the first
But to say no to the peace offering would expose him as a liar, so
Jake has no choice but to go along with Jackie's terrible, terrible
plan. Give the rose to Vienna, then stand back and watch her explode.
The weariness on his face reminds me of when he used to have to listen
to Michelle Kujawa talk about babies. (VERY weary.) The Manipulation Marathon
Meanwhile, back at the mansion, Kasey and Vienna decide they need
to make some alliances fast, so they approach Michelle Money and Graham
Bunn and cordially invite them to be the house bullies (or "final four")
with them. The four of them decide to invite Kirk, Erica,
Michael and Holly to join them in systematically picking off
And so a seemingly never-ending montage of whispered poolside
pow-wows begin. The group stupidly decides to invite Rated R into their
little group. If I've learned anything from Jersey Shore
, it's to NEVER
ask a guy who wears a foiled "MMA" t-shirt to have your back.
DO NOT TRUST.
agrees to be "in" and shakes hands with the power couples group -- but
handshakes don't mean sh*t to rats
. "I can EASILY join them," he says
behind their backs, "or I can be the rebel I was born to be, and go
against the grain and attack that alliance." I guess that's code for "I
love being a sh*thead and making everyone hate me," so Justin goes to
the Leftovers (Blake, Gia, Alli, Melissa, What Have You), tells them
that he was approached to join the alliance, and that Graham
specifically said he wanted to "work" Alli. Alli has a crush on Graham
(too bad he's already under the sea witch spell of Michelle!), so she
goes to Graham and asks him about it. Yadda yadda yadda, everyone wakes
up and re-realizes that Rated R is a lying dick, so they decide to
eliminate him first. FINALLY, A POSITIVE DEVELOPMENT!
Vienna calls Jake a "phony robot" (a
phone-bot!) who only came on the show to make her (and the rest of
usssss) miserable. "He has no real feelings. He's a monster. He's
playing everyone like a fool," she tells Michelle. Yes, it's weird to feel yourself agreeing with Vienna, but just remember: even terrible
people can be right about SOME things. Vienna also hates that Jake keeps
trying to talk to her. "It's like when you close a book and you want to
burn it," she says. Michelle nods in agreement, as if to say, "Yes, I
hate reading, too."
Vienna's vision of the "real Jake" is so horrifying that when she
tries to explain it, her eyes get wide and she can't quite find the
right words. (These might also be signs of drunkenness.) "The only way
to see the real Jake is to put a fly in the house alone with him, and
glue, like, a little tiny videocamera around the mouse. I mean, the
fly," she says, which:
A) GREAT REALITY SHOW IDEA, VIENNA! We'll call it Fly-Spy
, and all of Hollywood's creepiest, craziest secrets will be
B) Are you trying to tell us that Jake is a murderer?
Because everything you say makes it sound like he's definitely a
The Giving of the Rose: A Soul-Sucking Saga
The next morning,
Jackie freaks out and thinks maybe it's not
a good idea to give it to
Vienna. She's starting to look at the rose like a ticking bomb, so she decides to hand
it over to Jake while screaming, "I don't know! You're a pilot! You work
well under pressure!"
Jake confides in Rated R (OF COURSE) that he might give the rose to
Vienna, and Rated R, in a rare moment of rightness, says, "No. That's a
dumb, dumb move." Now Jake has a big decision to make: Save Gia, his
true ally who is at risk of being eliminated, or save Vienna, who hates
him with the passion of a thousand suns but "isn't a bad girl"? (Of
course, he can't say this, but by saving Vienna what Jake is really
trying to do is save his reputation by looking like a Good Guy.)
Gia tries to talk sense into Jake, which results in the most idiotic conversation of ALL TIME:Gia:
When you're trying to kill the emeny, I mean enemy, you don't put them in a bomb shelter when you could bomb them.
How did the Trojans beat the Greeks?Gia:
They showed up in an elephant at the door and then broke them apart.Jake:
It was a horse. They gave them a gift.
You're, like, playing a game of chess without the queen.Jake:
Lots of people win without the queen.Gia:
You never win without the queen. You don't.
there is so much stupidity in that one little exchange, it's like Mary
Poppin's magical carpet bag. It's so small! How does it all fit in
there? AND WHERE DOES IT END?
Jake and Jackie gather everyone to
make their big announcement: They're giving the rose to Vienna.
Wait for it... Wait for it...
"Believe me, I never pictured me giving you another rose, ever, in
my life," Jake starts out his speech to Vienna and Kasey. HAHAHA, good
speech intro, dude! Way to get them on your side from the start. Vienna
sits there silently crying as Jake "gets some things on the table." He's
sorry that he raised his voice to her (on TV), and that he told her to
stop interrupting him and slapped his knee (on TV). "You don't talk to people
like that, that you love. You just don't do that. [...] What it was was just two wrong people trying to make
something work that wasn't going to work. And I was wrong, and I'm
(Gia is furious that Jake didn't protect her instead, and everyone else just seems sort of speechless and confused, but nobody is willing to just come out and say that clearly Jake is doing
this because he's on TV and he wants us all to think he's magnanimous
and forgiving so we'll all stop throwing around words like "creepy" and
"scary." Yes, he's trying to manipulate Vienna and Kasey into forgiving him, but he's also trying to manipulate us. Even if he leaves without the money, he could still leave with an improved image. We're a player in this game, too! Oh, the layers!)
Vienna nods along and silently weeps during Jake's little speech, but she isn't buying it: "The word I'd use is 'torture.' It literally made me
sick. He wants to play the nice little innocent sweet, 'Let's make up,
I'm sorry...' Like, are you kidding me?" Kasey and Vienna walk off, rose in hand, and hug like they just
survived the zombie apocalypse. "I love you. You are my everything," she
whispers to him. "I'm gonna marry you. I'm gonna have your babies."
Good grief. Everything on this show is so twisted and ugly, even the sincere proclamations of love totally gross me out.
This show's idea of a healthy, happy couple.
Then ... OH MY GOD, THEN, ABC shows them getting into bed naked
together. Censor strips are thankfully in place, BUT STILL.
Gia muses about how Kasey and Vienna have "all the power" while we,
appropriately, become hostages to footage of them "power-coupling" in bed together. This
is truly disgusting on every conceivable level, for every person
involved. I feel shame deep in my soul for transcribing any of it.
Gia goes to Kasey and tries to trick him into thinking she's
powerful and can convince the majority of the women to vote him out. He
takes the bait and offers her an alliance. "I don't know if she's
playing me or if she's trying to mind-plow me," says Kasey. This won't
sit well with Vienna. Especially the mind-plowing part. She tries to
breakup their conversation and ask what's going on, but Kasey stonewalls
the future mother of his babies.
It's time to vote and boot, and Princess
Erica is looking EXTRA fancy this evening! Is that Britney's see-through
diamond suit from the "Toxic" video? Did she buy it at auction,
or have her own version custom-made? How much did it cost? So many questions. Screw everyone else, this woman needs her own show. I want to know what makes her tick!
Like Britney Spears at her worst combined with Kim Zolciak at her best.
so, a little refresher on how Bachelor Pad voting works: Since literacy
is not a given here, each person votes by placing the photo of whomever
they want to eliminate in the ballet box. The man and the woman with
the most votes goes home.
Going into the elimination, Vienna says their "team" has decided
that the men will vote off Gia, but her team isn't as united as she
thinks. Instead, the men think that Alli isn't "trustworthy" (is that
code for slutty?), so they'd rather vote her out. Oh, I guess Justin
convinced the men to vote for Alli since she went running to Graham the
other night. But no one likes Justin, and they want HIM to get
eliminated for playing both sides, so why would they listen to him about
Alli? But some people, led by Blake, want to fight the power and see
Kasey eliminated. I don't knowwwww, everyone here is an idiot who has no
idea what's going on and I feel like I've been recapping this episode
for a thousand years. LET'S END THIS.
It's finally time. The (long, drawn out) rose ceremony. It's clearly down to Gia or Alli going home for the women, and Kasey or Rated R for the men. So let's do what the show refuses to do and cut to the g-d CASE:
The women have eliminated: Justin "Rated R" Rego! YES! A small prize at the end of a torturous three hours -- like getting a high-five at the end of a marathon. Of course he's learned nothing from the experience: "I should be in that house. Doing what I do best. Taking over." (Someone needs to tell him that what he does best is being the worst.)
The men have eliminated: Alli Travis. Eh. She was disposable anyway. TEAM MICHELLE MONEY.
THERE'S MORE WHERE THAT CAME FROM: At the end of the episode, we get a glimpse of the rest of the season, which will include even more fighting and crying. Apparently Blake will be the cause of major drama between Melissa (she calls him a "sociopath!") and Holly (who is still stringing Michael along), while the Kasey/Jake/Vienna nightmare will continue. And with that, my brain just curled up in the fetal position and barfed out my ears.
How long is this show? Six weeks? I think we can make it, but only if we do this together. Talk to me!
What did you think of the premiere of Bachelor Pad?
(Images courtesy of ABC)
- Love it, hate it? Love to hate, hate to love? Will you keep watching?
- Are you Team Jake, Team Vienna, or Team Neither?
- Who are you rooting for to win the $250,000?
- Which is grosser: Moms justifying their participation in this show by saying they're doing it for their children, or anyone justifying their participation in this show by saying they're doing it to look for LOVE?