Playing Catch Up
Before we can watch them make each other miserable, we first need to catch up with this season's biggest drama-makers to answer the question on everyone's minds': "Who are you again?" (Refresh your memory of the whole cast here.)

Justin/"Rated R": The wrestler. After a year to reflect on getting caught with a girlfriend on The Bachelorette ... he's learned nothing, except that acting like a jackass gets him the attention he craves. And so his "strategy" for combating his bad Bachelorette reputation is as expected as it is stupid: to play dirty and get revenge, especially against the men who badmouthed him on TV and to Ali. "If there are any guys there from my season, watch out, because I'm gunning ... for you," he says, pointing at the camera like Canada's Douchey Uncle Sam. God, I just hate him so much. I hope he gets eliminated immediately.

Jackie: The sweet bitch. She's "really tired of being single" after Brad Womack gave Michelle a rose over her, so for Jackie this is a chance to find a new boyfriend, and maybe win some money! (There's no way she's winning the money.) She's nervous that Michelle Money might be in the house, since at last season's Women Tell All, Jackie made Michelle cry by saying, "I equate you to a spider: You're creepy, and I don't think you're humorous." She's sweet, but not as sweet as she seems.

Michelle: The lady-villain. At least that's what she was last season, when her aggressive/hilarious death threats and sexual manipulations (which she claimed were JOKES) earned her the moniker "Crazy Michelle." She wants to win the show so she can provide for her daughter and, more important (to her, and her image) help her father, who has stage-four colon cancer. This is a markedly different Michelle than the one we watched hope that Chantal would get eaten by wild monkeys last season. But once she re-enters the Bachelor mansion, I still think she'll let her Crazy Michelle side take over. It's the perfect combo: Good Daughter Michelle wants the money, and Crazy Michelle will do anything to get it.

Gia: The backwash. Gia holds up a chart to explain how she got here. Again.
 

But we don't really need a chart to tell us that if the definition of insanity is "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results," then Gia is demonstrating the definition of BATSH*T STUPID INSANITY: Doing the same thing over and over on reality television and expecting anyone to take you seriously. The swimsuit model who has now been on three Bachelor shows (and more professional athletes!) says of her frenemy Vienna -- who stole her ex-boyfriend Wes Hayden, whom Gia cheated on with her PREVIOUS boyfriend -- "all she cares about is fame."

Vienna: The drama queen. Since her infamous breakup with Jake, she's got a new haircut, a new boyfriend, and the same old entitled attitude.

Kasey: "The guy who got the tattoo." He's head over heels for Vienna (though no one will ever explain WHY), even though he's afraid she might hurt him. There is one thing that brings these two lovebirds closer together: Their vehement hatred for her ex-fiance. "I'm going to go take a Jake, and wipe my Pavelka," says Kasey, ever the poet.

Jake: The fallen star. He claims that Vienna sold him out to the tabloids and crushed his heart, and his biggest goal for Bachelor Pad is to get closure with her -- but as we all know, it's pretty hard to take anything "fake Jake" says seriously. Every time he smiles that big, creepy smile of his, I imagine his hand holding a different large, sharp weapon behind his back.

Erica Rose: The princess. It's been several years since we last saw Erica on The Bachelor, but very little has changed -- except that her face seems to be melting. Otherwise she's still spoiled, deluded and a never-ending well of second-hand embarrassment. She's too old for the tiaras, not quite as sexy as she seems to think (and dance like) she is, and prone to saying things like, "My astrologer thinks I'm going to win." When I'm not thinking too hard about how sad and hollow her eyes/existence are, she's pretty funny.

Graham: The nice guy. Hot Graham the basketball player is back! Since Deanna dumped him for not "opening up," he's started a clothing company and gives a lot to charity. He seems too good for this show. I guess he really wants the money, no matter the reputation risk.

Ella: The mom. She's here for the money, plain and simple. She wants to provide for her young son. We also learn something we never knew about Ella when she was vying for Jake: When she was young, her step-father brutally murdered her mother right in front of her when she was three years old. She will do "whatever it takes" to give her son the life she didn't have with her own mother. WHOA. That's one hell of an origin story, so now I'm kind of expecting (or hoping) for Ella to become this season's lady superhero.

Holly: The runaway bride. She and Michael Stagliano from The Bachelorette season 5 were engaged until she panicked and broke it off. They got back together, but then he broke up with her ("recently," she says) when he couldn't get over the broken engagement. Now they're in the same house together! How miserable for them/delightful for us!

Michael: The jilted groom. He says the day Holly broke it off with him was the worst day of his life. Something tells me that being in the same house with the woman who crushed his soul will bring on a lot more "worst days" for poor Michael.

Arrivals

It's time for everyone to enter the house, one by one, limo by limo. Michelle Money is first, and she's got her eyebrows of evil drawn on. Yes! Blake Julian is next. "I'm here to win $250,000," says the dentist Ashley dumped this season,"and maybe a few hearts along the way." One of those hearts, as this season's preview suggests, will belong to Holly, who is next to arrive. She shows up in a super-short furry pink skirt, just to show Michael exactly what he's missing. I can't decide if I like her or not -- she looks like a cute little chipmunk, but something tells me she's going to be trouble.

Speaking of trouble: Rated R is next to the house, and he immediately douches up the whole place. Every word out of his mouth is a self-satisfied turd. Erica announces her own arrival: "The princess is here!" I am mesmerized by her massive, botoxed lips. If they get any bigger, they'll droop below her chin. Then Vienna and her original nose (R.I.P.) show up. They're trying to compensate for her nerves with a big smile, but it's clear that she's already on the verge of tears. I will be shocked if she holds up long enough to actually have a shot at the money. Someone says, "Speak of the devil!" when she walks in. High-five if you yelled, "LITERALLY!"

This season's weird gem, Ames, is next. Love him, love everything that comes out of his silver-spoon-eating, poetry-reciting mouth. Gia shows up, all hair-flips, giggles and vicious statements against Vienna. Everyone is confused about why and how she gets another go-round, like this show has rules and standards or something? Vienna has been telling everyone that Jake is a psycho, but when Gia comes in, she immediately starts to sing his praises. Whose story can we trust? Whose side should we take? The rest of the cast can't decide, but for me, that's an easy one: No one and neither. They're all terrible fake liars! Case closed.

Kasey is next -- just in time to begin guarding and protecting Vienna's heart before Jake walks in. He claims they have a "plan" to eliminate Jake early and win the money. Can't wait to see what their brain trust has come up with. But while he and Vienna are focused on Jake, another enemy is emerging: Rated R says Kasey was his "nemesis" on The Bachelorette, and he hopes to break up Kasey and Vienna (whom he calls Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy) and get them eliminated as soon as possible. It would be a lot more dramatic if I didn't loathe all of the people involved in these plots. But that's Bachelor Pad for you. The hardest part is finding someone to root for.

Jackie walks in, and Michelle's eyebrows are set to KILL. I didn't realize how much I missed them.


Jackie tries to say hi, but Michelle will have none of it. Alli and Melissa from Brad's season -- most memorable for hating bugs and starting a high-school feud with The Manscaper, respectively -- show up next and no one, least of all us, seems to care. Meanwhile, Blake notes that he feels like he's moved into a "dysfunctional household," and Holly swoons over how he uses "big words." (So we're meant to think that Holly is dumb. Got it.)

If you ask me, Holly IS dumb to let a guy like Michael go. He's the next to show up, and it already breaks my heart to see how clearly Not Over It he is. The rest of the attractive seat-fillers start to file in: Ella (Mama Bear), followed by Kirk from Ali's season (LOVE HIM), followed by William "Ding Dong" Holman, the self-described "30 year old boy" who made Ashley cry during her comedy roast. If that's what he managed when he was trying to be his best, I can only imagine how stupid make himself look on this show, which is designed to bright out everyone's worst.

Jake vs. Vienna: Round One

Only one contestant is left to arrive, and it's the moment we've been waiting for: THE PAVELKA HAS LANDED. Before he walks in, Kasey advises Vienna to "play the vulnerable card" with the group so they'll feel sorry for her and vote Jake out. It's hard to know how much is a "card" she's playing and how much is real fear and anxiety. She may be a famewhore, but Jake genuinely seems to scare the crap out of her. I just don't think she's a talented enough actress to be faking all of it. Plus, he scares me too. I get it!

Jake walks in, truly the guest of honor at the Awkwardness Ball. When he gets to Kasey, he says, "Hey! I know who YOU are! Terrific!" like a real goon. Then he immediately walks out to where Vienna is standing with a small group and says, "Good to see you. You look nice." Clearly, Jake's plan is to pretend nothing bothers him until Vienna's head falls off in a fit of rage. Instead, Vienna, head intact, runs to the kitchen and cries. He may not literally be able to guard and protect her heart, but Kasey proves useful to her in one way: While she's crying in the corner, he's trying to garner sympathy on Vienna's behalf with his special brand of improv love poetry. "It hurts my heart to see her heart hurt," he tells Ella.

Jake pulls Kasey aside and says he doesn't want to get in the way of their relationship, and he just wants them to be happy. "I'm not in love with her anymore, but I'll always care and support you guys," he says. They agree to disagree about whether Jake is a scumbag and shake on it, awkwardly. It's even weirder because they look alike. Jake thinks he's just sealed a truce, but Kasey's programming dictates that, shake or no handshake, Jake is the enemy and in order to protect his master girlfriend, Kasey must do everything in his power, even sacrifice himself, to see Jake go home.

Chris Harrison walks in and announces that for the first challenge, they'll be competing in opposite-sex pairs, so everyone needs to couple up. He then puts on a poncho, releases the dam on the river of alcohol and steps aside to let the coupling commence.

The next morning, Blake and Kirk have their own version of The Hangover, made weirder by the fact that they look and talk so much alike. (Everyone on this show is white and pretty. All the men on this show look like a bunch of Pavelkas, but these two could be twins. It's FREAKY.) After a few too many cocktails each, Blake ended up with crazy Melissa as his partner, while Kirk got stuck with Princess Erica. Kirk doesn't even know what the challenge is yet, but he's already declaring, "I'm totally screwed." It's only been a few hours, but Ames and Jackie are already intertwined on an outdoor bed, planning their life together, but -- TWIST! -- they've decided not to partner for the challenge together, to keep a target from forming on their backs.

The Challenge: "The Hook Up"

As we saw last week, the first challenge lays it all on the table, err, bed, as the couples must strap in, hold on and survive first of many sex games this season. Suspended in harnesses high above makeshift beds, the women must hold on to the men (and will their fake breasts to weigh less) as the men must hold them up (and will themselves not to get an erection). It's all about teamwork!


Vienna brags that she used to be a gymnast (of the pole-swinging variety?), but more importantly, she has the power of LOVE, so she and Kasey clearly have this in the bag.

Gia and William are the first to fall -- Gia is furious that she went to all the trouble of being anorexic if it wasn't Will's "priority" to hold her up. Will confesses that it was his priority to have a swimsuit model wrapped around him, that's all. Holly gives up on straddling her ex-fiance Michael, saying, "I'd rather be drinking!" (Does that mean I have to like her? Ugh, this show is so confusing!) Ella gives up and says, "It was worse than childbirth." Probably because she was paired with Satan's #1 son, Rated R. More and more couples fall, until it's the showdown we've been hoping for: Kasey and Vienna versus Jake and Jackie. Vienna tries to keep up morale by yelling, inspiring Kasey to say my favorite words of the episode: "Baby, don't talk. It ruins my strength." Vienna tries to hold on to Kasey with all her might, but in the end, Jake's dark powers and juiced-up pecs are too much for them. Jake and Jackie win.

They each get a rose, which means they have immunity from the first elimination. Jake knows he needed this, and Vienna looks like she's going to barf as she realizes that he's sticking around. She and Kasey retreat to their hot tub of despair, where Vienna picks a fight with Kasey for not defeating the law of gravity, and then calls him an "a**hole" for fighting with her on camera.


The next morning, Vienna cries to Kasey that everyone hates her and is out to get her, and it's all his fault. "It's this huge triangle of annoyance," says Kasey, once again inadvertently verbalizing my feelings about this entire affair. But instead of just dumping her and walking out, he hugs her and says he loves her "more than peanut butter cookies, the grandma ones." But again, no one will explain WHY. Whatever they have between them, I think less of him for it, but not as less as I always think about Vienna.

The Date: El Creepazoid at El Capitan

The date card comes, and Jake and Jackie learn that they have a third rose to give out after their date. For a fundamentally idiotic show, I still don't have the most solid handle on the rules (besides the No Shirts Allowed Rule), but apparently that means that they can save a third person at this week's Driveway Rose Ceremony, where the men get rid of one woman and the women get rid of one man and the rest of us get rid of whatever is left in our wine glass and wonder why we gave three whole hours of our precious lives to this. Everyone thinks that Jake will convince/brainwash Jackie to give it to his best friend Gia, because behind her asinine giggle is an asinine brain that apparently is still a huge threat.

As they head out on their date, Jake isn't thrilled about the potential for romance -- he's thrilled for how that extra rose might "upset" the power couple, Kasey and Vienna. I hope that Jackie brought her Patience Panties. And her mace.

Their "date" begins with walking around Hollywood Boulevard trolling for fans. And it works! A little girl is so "starstruck" by Jake Pavelka that she starts sobbing when he shakes her hand and says meeting him was her "dream come true."


I wonder when this 3rd grader decided she was Jake's biggest fan. I hope it was when he verbally abused his fiancee on TV for half an hour.

Jake and Jackie see the sign at the El Capitan theater inviting them to the "best seats in the house" -- a couch behind the sign. But they can't even see the stage from there! And they have to climb through the window to get to the couch! Well, this date is appropriately idiotic, but at least we get to watch as Jake resists his Dark Passenger's temptation to push Jackie off the ledge. "Have patience, my pet," he whispers to the darkness inside. "The game, like the night, is young. You won't go hungry." Instead, Jake tries to capitalize on what Jackie just witnessed between him and his Number One (Number Only?) fan, and evoke more sympathy by telling his side of the breakup with Vienna. What a fun date for her.


"We kind of lived a fairy tale until it started airing," says Jake about his time with Vienna on The Bachelor. (So, a month?) Then the tabloids started coming down on them. They got to the eight month mark and started having the "normal problems that any relationship would have" (like accusing each other of being gay, being in it for the fame, poisoning each other's dogs, etc.) and then Vienna surprise-dumped him and sold the whole story to a tabloid. He says he loved Vienna so much that he still thought they might reconcile after that. "I think I'm a pretty good judge of character, and I do believe Jake," says Jackie. One part of the sentence refutes the other -- that's always fun!

Jake is still talking about Vienna. And, unfortunately for Vienna, he's being very convincing, talking about how he lashed out at her in their interview because he was so hurt. He seals the whole story with a real "look what a good guy I am!" doozy: When Vienna walked in for their post breakup interview, Jake says his first thought was, "Man, I'm so mad at her, I can't believe she looks so great tonight." THAT'S how much their entire relationship was based on physical attraction he loved her!

All of this has touched Jackie deep inside her naive silly heart, and inspires her to come up with either the stupidest or most brilliant idea that this brilliantly-stupid show has ever seen: LET'S GIVE THE EXTRA ROSE TO VIENNA! "It will be a peace offering from Jake," poor dumb little Jackie says. "I want Jake to have a little bit of credibility to make amends with Vienna." HAHAHA! Jake rubs his face in agony:


He wanted to get Jackie on his side, but he didn't know her gullibility would come back to bite him in the ass so soon. Jackie just forced his hand. When he said he wants to make peace, he didn't ACTUALLY MEAN he wants to make peace -- especially not with a rose. Jake ceremonially giving roses to Vienna is what got them into this mess in the first place!

But to say no to the peace offering would expose him as a liar, so Jake has no choice but to go along with Jackie's terrible, terrible plan. Give the rose to Vienna, then stand back and watch her explode. The weariness on his face reminds me of when he used to have to listen to Michelle Kujawa talk about babies. (VERY weary.)

The Manipulation Marathon

Meanwhile, back at the mansion, Kasey and Vienna decide they need to make some alliances fast, so they approach Michelle Money and Graham Bunn and cordially invite them to be the house bullies (or "final four") with them. The four of them decide to invite Kirk, Erica, Michael and Holly to join them in systematically picking off everyone else.

And so a seemingly never-ending montage of whispered poolside pow-wows begin. The group stupidly decides to invite Rated R into their little group. If I've learned anything from Jersey Shore, it's to NEVER ask a guy who wears a foiled "MMA" t-shirt to have your back.


Justin agrees to be "in" and shakes hands with the power couples group -- but handshakes don't mean sh*t to rats. "I can EASILY join them," he says behind their backs, "or I can be the rebel I was born to be, and go against the grain and attack that alliance." I guess that's code for "I love being a sh*thead and making everyone hate me," so Justin goes to the Leftovers (Blake, Gia, Alli, Melissa, What Have You), tells them that he was approached to join the alliance, and that Graham specifically said he wanted to "work" Alli. Alli has a crush on Graham (too bad he's already under the sea witch spell of Michelle!), so she goes to Graham and asks him about it. Yadda yadda yadda, everyone wakes up and re-realizes that Rated R is a lying dick, so they decide to eliminate him first. FINALLY, A POSITIVE DEVELOPMENT!

Vienna calls Jake a "phony robot" (a phone-bot!) who only came on the show to make her (and the rest of usssss) miserable. "He has no real feelings. He's a monster. He's playing everyone like a fool," she tells Michelle. Yes, it's weird to feel yourself agreeing with Vienna, but just remember: even terrible people can be right about SOME things. Vienna also hates that Jake keeps trying to talk to her. "It's like when you close a book and you want to burn it," she says. Michelle nods in agreement, as if to say, "Yes, I hate reading, too." 

Vienna's vision of the "real Jake" is so horrifying that when she tries to explain it, her eyes get wide and she can't quite find the right words. (These might also be signs of drunkenness.) "The only way to see the real Jake is to put a fly in the house alone with him, and glue, like, a little tiny videocamera around the mouse. I mean, the fly," she says, which:

A) GREAT REALITY SHOW IDEA, VIENNA! We'll call it Fly-Spy, and all of Hollywood's creepiest, craziest secrets will be revealed!

and

B) Are you trying to tell us that Jake is a murderer? Because everything you say makes it sound like he's definitely a murderer.

The Giving of the Rose: A Soul-Sucking Saga

The next morning, Jackie freaks out and thinks maybe it's not a good idea to give it to Vienna. She's starting to look at the rose like a ticking bomb, so she decides to hand it over to Jake while screaming, "I don't know! You're a pilot! You work well under pressure!"

Jake confides in Rated R (OF COURSE) that he might give the rose to Vienna, and Rated R, in a rare moment of rightness, says, "No. That's a dumb, dumb move." Now Jake has a big decision to make: Save Gia, his true ally who is at risk of being eliminated, or save Vienna, who hates him with the passion of a thousand suns but "isn't a bad girl"? (Of course, he can't say this, but by saving Vienna what Jake is really trying to do is save his reputation by looking like a Good Guy.)

Gia tries to talk sense into Jake, which results in the most idiotic conversation of ALL TIME:

Gia: When you're trying to kill the emeny, I mean enemy, you don't put them in a bomb shelter when you could bomb them.
Jake: Oh really?
Gia: Yeah.
Jake: Really?
Gia: Yeah.
Jake: How did the Trojans beat the Greeks?
Gia: They showed up in an elephant at the door and then broke them apart.
Jake: It was a horse. They gave them a gift.
Gia: You're, like, playing a game of chess without the queen.
Jake: Lots of people win without the queen.
Gia: You never win without the queen. You don't.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH there is so much stupidity in that one little exchange, it's like Mary Poppin's magical carpet bag. It's so small! How does it all fit in there? AND WHERE DOES IT END?

Jake and Jackie gather everyone to make their big announcement: They're giving the rose to Vienna. 



"Believe me, I never pictured me giving you another rose, ever, in my life," Jake starts out his speech to Vienna and Kasey. HAHAHA, good speech intro, dude! Way to get them on your side from the start. Vienna sits there silently crying as Jake "gets some things on the table." He's sorry that he raised his voice to her (on TV), and that he told her to stop interrupting him and slapped his knee (on TV). "You don't talk to people like that, that you love. You just don't do that. [...] What it was was just two wrong people trying to make something work that wasn't going to work. And I was wrong, and I'm sorry."

(Gia is furious that Jake didn't protect her instead, and everyone else just seems sort of speechless and confused, but nobody is willing to just come out and say that clearly Jake is doing this because he's on TV and he wants us all to think he's magnanimous and forgiving so we'll all stop throwing around words like "creepy" and "scary." Yes, he's trying to manipulate Vienna and Kasey into forgiving him, but he's also trying to manipulate us. Even if he leaves without the money, he could still leave with an improved image. We're a player in this game, too! Oh, the layers!)

Vienna nods along and silently weeps during Jake's little speech, but she isn't buying it: "The word I'd use is 'torture.' It literally made me sick. He wants to play the nice little innocent sweet, 'Let's make up, I'm sorry...' Like, are you kidding me?" Kasey and Vienna walk off, rose in hand, and hug like they just survived the zombie apocalypse. "I love you. You are my everything," she whispers to him. "I'm gonna marry you. I'm gonna have your babies." Good grief. Everything on this show is so twisted and ugly, even the sincere proclamations of love totally gross me out.


Then ... OH MY GOD, THEN, ABC shows them getting into bed naked together. Censor strips are thankfully in place, BUT STILL. Ohmygodthingsarehappeningunderthecoversandwe'reseeingthemhappenohmygod. Gia muses about how Kasey and Vienna have "all the power" while we, appropriately, become hostages to footage of them "power-coupling" in bed together. This is truly disgusting on every conceivable level, for every person involved. I feel shame deep in my soul for transcribing any of it.

Gia goes to Kasey and tries to trick him into thinking she's powerful and can convince the majority of the women to vote him out. He takes the bait and offers her an alliance. "I don't know if she's playing me or if she's trying to mind-plow me," says Kasey. This won't sit well with Vienna. Especially the mind-plowing part. She tries to breakup their conversation and ask what's going on, but Kasey stonewalls the future mother of his babies.

Elimination

It's time to vote and boot, and Princess Erica is looking EXTRA fancy this evening! Is that Britney's see-through diamond suit from the "Toxic" video? Did she buy it at auction, or have her own version custom-made? How much did it cost? So many questions. Screw everyone else, this woman needs her own show. I want to know what makes her tick!


OK, so, a little refresher on how Bachelor Pad voting works: Since literacy is not a given here, each person votes by placing the photo of whomever they want to eliminate in the ballet box. The man and the woman with the most votes goes home.

Going into the elimination, Vienna says their "team" has decided that the men will vote off Gia, but her team isn't as united as she thinks. Instead, the men think that Alli isn't "trustworthy" (is that code for slutty?), so they'd rather vote her out. Oh, I guess Justin convinced the men to vote for Alli since she went running to Graham the other night. But no one likes Justin, and they want HIM to get eliminated for playing both sides, so why would they listen to him about Alli? But some people, led by Blake, want to fight the power and see Kasey eliminated. I don't knowwwww, everyone here is an idiot who has no idea what's going on and I feel like I've been recapping this episode for a thousand years. LET'S END THIS.

It's finally time. The (long, drawn out) rose ceremony. It's clearly down to Gia or Alli going home for the women, and Kasey or Rated R for the men. So let's do what the show refuses to do and cut to the g-d CASE:

The women have eliminated: Justin "Rated R" Rego! YES! A small prize at the end of a torturous three hours -- like getting a high-five at the end of a marathon. Of course he's learned nothing from the experience: "I should be in that house. Doing what I do best. Taking over." (Someone needs to tell him that what he does best is being the worst.)

The men have eliminated: Alli Travis. Eh. She was disposable anyway. TEAM MICHELLE MONEY.

THERE'S MORE WHERE THAT CAME FROM: At the end of the episode, we get a glimpse of the rest of the season, which will include even more fighting and crying. Apparently Blake will be the cause of major drama between Melissa (she calls him a "sociopath!") and Holly (who is still stringing Michael along), while the Kasey/Jake/Vienna nightmare will continue. And with that, my brain just curled up in the fetal position and barfed out my ears.

How long is this show? Six weeks? I think we can make it, but only if we do this together. Talk to me! 

What did you think of the premiere of Bachelor Pad?

• Love it, hate it? Love to hate, hate to love? Will you keep watching?
• Are you Team Jake, Team Vienna, or Team Neither?
• Who are you rooting for to win the $250,000?
• Which is grosser: Moms justifying their participation in this show by saying they're doing it for their children, or anyone justifying their participation in this show by saying they're doing it to look for LOVE?
  

(Images courtesy of ABC)