America's Next Top Model
co-ed 'Tooch and Booch' cycle is back for its second episode and it's a fast-tempoed, jam-packed event. Not only were there three photo shoots (count 'em: 1, 2, 3) and a wacky elimination round that psyched everyone out until the final name was called, I held my breath when it got down to the last two. Luckily, my guy got in.
Last week was confusing as hell because not all of the contestants made it to the screen, so viewers had no idea who the extra models were who would make it to this episode for the final elimination before the real work gets done. At the end of last week's episode, I counted 18 models who bowled strikes and were told to move forward. But we were told that 22 actually made it ... so who were they? Well, without further ado about nothing, this week's session got straight to the point.
Meanwhile, Back at the Ranch
The episode opens at the model
party house. Some of the boys are chest bumping and doing push-ups on the door frames. Will shows off his six-inch patent leather heels and you can already smell the beer and feel the tacky stained carpet.
Romeo creates drama by wiping verbal poo all over Danny and people get tense until Marjana makes a speech about respect, then things get a little more awkward and we fade to black. By the way, I think the models were eating pizza and bowls of jelly worms. Did anyone else see that? I digress.
These babies are going to have to grow up real fast if they want to make it on America's Next Top Model. Ladies and gents, leave your pride at the door because getting over yourself is what ANTM is all about. Who knows what challenges we'll have this year? Slimy animals or bugs, gloppy paint, pooping birds, frigid beaches, high wires? And with a guys and girls season, you know there's gotta be some nudity at some point -- not that there's anything wrong with that. Anyway, you shy wannabes better hit up the pharmacy for something from the valium family because it's do or die in this competition. #Fierce
A Short Ride on a Long Train
Our second America's Next Top Model episode takes us to two interesting locations for photo shoots. The first is into the bowels of Los Angeles. That's right, the subway system. The red line, to be specific, and I think there might have been something hinky going on with the driver's stopwatch because it eliminated almost everyone by the time this deal was over.
We meet Franco Lacosta who looks like he could be Arnold Schwarzenegger's Hispanic cousin, but he's the photographer for this week's "season" challenge. He's also an ex-model and has served as a judge on Model Latina. This guy has the creds. He's a little tough on the models, but he has to be. Along the way, we meet the new models.
Here's how the challenge goes: everyone gets on the subway train which will make four stops, each representing a season with the garments made available to the models. Each stop will last only three minutes during which all 22 models must rush off, grab three items of clothing that represent the season of choice and get back on the train before the mechanical doors slide shut. If you get left behind, you're out. If you don't have three items of apparel, you're out.
First Stop: The Garden Shop
Yes, it's spring! Everyone jumps out of the train and it's a mad scramble for clothing. Body parts and shorts are flying all over the place, but everyone makes it back in time for their spring photo shoot.
Romeo, Lindsey, Will, Keith, Lenox, Raelia, Shei, Jamie Rae, Kari and Lenox of last week's competition have photo shoots. Introduced are new players Olay, L'Meese and Ivy.
Second Stop Leaves Lenox Behind, and Mirjana Gets Kicked Off
The doors close and Lenox still stands on the platform thinking she's just lost the whole deal. Fortunately for her, it's not.
More photo shoots and we see Matthew, Chantelle, Marjana, Denzel, Keith and Josh, who looks like he just rolled out of bed and is ready to wrestle a bull to the ground, which he probably is because he's a dairy farmer. Hold onto your hats, ladies, this is actually his look and I don't know about you but I think it's hot. Adam announces that he's better looking than 95% of the general population, but I'm thinking he looks like a messy dork.
Mirjana only has two items of clothing, not three, and gets kicked off the train. #Snap
The Third Stop is Back to School Time
The train stops for the third time and here is where things get hinky. I didn't time it, but it seems that those three minutes are more like 90 seconds. It feels the same way for our models because only adorable Danny, boring Matthew, Ben and Kari make it on along with the two newbies, Zaquin and Ivy.
Mind the Gap
The winter stop is really, really - I mean really -- short. So short that only Danny and Matthew make it. Of those two, Franco has to choose a winner for the challenge. Danny -- fantastic and excellent in everything that you did. Matthew is fun and playful, says Franco, but Danny was perfect in everything he does. I thought Danny was more alluring, but Franco is the boss and he says personality is everything. Matthew wins. No one is eliminated ... yet.
Next Stop: the Beach
Next, the crew is at the beach toasting marshmallows. Kelly Cutrone arrives and introduces world-renowned photographer Yu Tsai, who promises to kick everyone's skinny little asses if they don't bring their A game to each photo shoot for the rest of the competition. Rumor has it Yu is known for being a rough ride down a slope covered in low grade sandpaper. #Ouch
Denzel announces that "Sh*t just got real." Throughout this episode, we see several snippets of Denzel's commentary, and I gotta say, I like this guy. He presents as masculine, but not a d*ck (read: not full of himself like Adam). He's the quiet and powerful alpha rather than the jockstrappy, ball-scratching, beer-bong-guzzling, light-your-farts-on-fire kinda man. #YouCantBuyClass
22 Shades of Black Leather
Yu tells us about the shoots and we're off to hair and makeup. The garments? Itsy bitsy black leather thongs and bras which actually cover more than I thought they would. As a matter of fact, they're not half bad. While the masses get gorgeous-er, Kelly Cutrone asks everyone about the guys or girls they like. What's up with that, Yenta Cutrone?
The guys pump up their muscles and everyone queues up for their portrait with Yu behind the camera. They all have a single shot in some black leather strappy almost-nothings. Adam says Jamie Rae looks like a big-breasted trophy wife -- at least that's what I think he says; no one knows because they bleep him out.
Yu has comments for everyone. Chantelle is like a courageous X-Man, he says, and she loves it. Jamie Rae he calls the beauty pageant girl with only one expression in her repertoire. Ivy does well and could become a strong editorial model. Josh displays a rugged, strong, sexy look. But after two chances in front of the camera with paltry results, Yu calls for a cow so Josh can milk it. #Ouch
Yu makes Adam look like he's either constipated or filling his drawers with something stinky. Romeo is tagged as muscle-free. And Will, well, he's just beautiful.
For some of the guys, this was their first taste of freestyle modeling and their egos are taking a bit of a hit. This is good, boys. You need help shaving the sharp edges off your self-absorption so you can learn how to really work and that modeling is not about you. It's about everything but you. Miss H2T Tryra Banks taught us that.
A Squirmy Pile of Sexy Barbies
We're not done yet, because now the whole group has to lay in a puppy pile in the sand and squirm orgasmically into the camera for a massive photo.What did I say last week? I think we got our orgy already and we're only two episodes in.
The Judges Deliberate
We're in the throne room with Tyra, Kelly, Miss J and photographer Yu to discuss the episodes results. Each model gets a once-over and the four duke it out to choose which 14 lucky youngsters will advance to the real show.
Comments fly around the room as they sauce it out.
- Party boy central Adam has too much hair.
- Ben looks like he's in a boy band.
- Chantelle is model-y H2T.
- Ivy is a nymph bird.
- Daniel looks like he just starred in Cabaret, though the judges are split. Miss J announced that Danny has the highest number of likes on their website. #Woot
- Someone tags Romeo as "b*tch craft."
- Yu is on the Denzel-train and I think it's because he has a little crush on the man. Who wouldn't? Pardon me while I fan myself.
- Will's a graceful ballerina. Kelly loves him. He's Nordic, American, a Texan and gay. She says he's adorable and everyone's gonna love him.
- Tyra says Josh milks cows and that makes him beautiful, but Yu is still not sold.
- Kelly calls Linox her moody little Christina Richie Indie girl.
- Kari has a beautiful face. Tyra separates out all the idiosyncrasies of her features: large mouth, huge forehead, eyes too far apart and says it all adds up to fierce.
- Shei has a perfectly shaped face but needs a personality.
- Fine ass NFL player Keith (Tyra's description, not mine, but she's not wrong), whose image smolders, has got to make it in. They compare Denzel and Keith. Keith has definitely got all the features in all the right places ... but they wonder if he's got personality ... which my man Denzel definitely does have.
Back on the beach, the troops are joined by Tyra, who toys with them like a cat with a mouse. She calls two people up at a time, one of whom will move into the ANTM house. However, if their name is not called, they move back into the group to possibly get their name called another time. How nerve-wracking!
Here are the final results:
Chantelle, Will, Keith, Marjana, Kari, Matthew and Lenox move over to the winners' circle. Fifteen contestants are left with only seven spots. Ben makes it. Then Romeo, Ivy, Raelia and Shei make it. Two spots left, but 10 hopefuls stand in the sand awaiting their fates. Tyra calls Adam and Denzel forward. Adam makes it while Denzel tries to take it like a man, until ... Tyra says the group needs someone named Denzel, so he's the last one to get chosen.
Of course, there's screaming and cheering from the chosen ones and Tyra wishes the losers lots of luck as some losers cry and others get pissed off.
Now it's time for the real world of modeling, ANTM fans, as Tyra announces there is going to be a runway show ... Right. Now. Wha? Yes. And the models will walk the catwalk as living art wearing nothing but spray string. I guess we're gonna have to wait until next week to see it ... because our time has run out this week, people. See y'all then!
America's Next Top Model airs Mondays at 9pm on The CW.
(Images courtesy of The CW)