The finale is upon us. Tonight, after two hours of "surprises" (filler), we find out who won Season 10 of
. Unless, of course, you read the
that I won't be surprised if anything short of the spontaneous combustion of Ryan Seacrest happens. Not if I get there first, Ryan!
The least we can do is have fun while we watch tonight. So let's take a shot every time Ryan says "Scotty the Body." By the way, when did that happen? I have watched every episode and I have no idea when or why that became a thing. As my mom pointed out, "It's not like he even has that good of a body." She watches for these kinds of things.
Instead of just a results show, I guess it's better to look at this episode as
. In that vein, I can't wait to see all the eliminated contestants again!
. Not to get too sentimental, but I wish we were all watching it together, in America's Living Room. Except for those of you who hate me, you can go talk smack about me in America's Kitchen.
More from the American Idol finale
I'm proud of Randy for actually dressing up tonight. He's wearing a real suit, but still keeping it cool. I think I had a Barbie outfit exactly the same as Steven Tyler's at one point. Oh, but Lauren and Scotty are dressed like two members of Abba tonight!
There's a reason for everything. They're dressed like Abba because the entire Top 13 is dressed in all-white to sing Lady Gaga's "Born This Way." I feel a little sad for everyone involved in this white hot mess. But we've only just begun.
In the moment only a select few of us have been waiting for, James Durbin is singing with Judas Priest. While he fits in the with the group, James by himself just looks like a leather daddy and/or Village Person. Thankfully, he took the hat off halfway through, and the performance was actually pretty fun. James always brought a lot of energy to the stage. Flash pots exploded and it was over.
And now, a celebration of my second favorite character this season: Randy Jackson. My favorite character is Ashley Sullivan. I'm glad they did the obligatory "in it to win it" montage.
"That was funny, dude. That was funny!" Randy says a little too loudly.
Then Jacob Lusk performed with gospel legend Kirk Franklin and OMG GLADYS KNIGHT! It was so delightful, even though I was a bit jarred when Kirk Franklin threw, "all the tornado victims!" in there.
Casey Abrams! I love him so much. He brings us back from the break singing Queen's "Fat Bottomed Girls" and reveals Jack Black behind the couch. Awesome. Then on "get on your bikes and ride" some girls came out on bikes and started dancing. It was so much fun!
The ladies of the Top 13 are a little late getting to the stage, so Ryan riffs awkwardly for a while: "Lauren and Scotty. Who's it gonna be? We'll have your results. A little later. It's gonna be good."
To save him from his tenth year of misery, the ladies (minus Lauren) arrive to sing a Beyonce medley. They look really good, especially Haley, who was my Fashion Idol this season (except when she wore that headband. You know the one). It fell apart a little bit at "If I Were a Boy" but Haley and Ashthon brought it back. Then, of course, Beyonce came out to SCHOOL those youngsters (by singing with them). Beyonce makes even the most awkward medleys cool.
After the "Steven Tyler Says the Darndest Things" clip package, Haley Reinhart performed with Tony Bennett. Yes, I love Haley when she sings jazz, and I love Tony Bennett at all times. I liked it because it reminded me of a father-daughter dance at a wedding. Okay, maybe a grandfather-daughter dance.
Now we salute Jennifer Lopez, the Most Beautiful Woman in the World. It's too bad that they focused on all the guys who said they had a crush on Jennifer Lopez "growing up." I liked the reaction shots from Marc Anthony, though. Like he could beat anyone in a fight!
Fresh from The Celebrity Apprentice
, it's Lil Jon for five seconds! And TLC for some reason. To make it more relevant, they pulled out Naima, Thia, Karen, and Ashthon to stand up against chasing waterfalls. They are living proof that it doesn't always work out. Rivers and lakes, on the other hand ...
Scotty McCreery and Tim McGraw sing "Live Like You Were Dying," in a duet this audience could not wait to see. To Scotty's credit, they sounded great together. Scotty is a total pro. He really sounds great.
YES! Big Joe Repka! I'm so glad he's back in his shorts and Birkenstocks! I love that he is introducing the Hall of Shame montage. I loved it so much.
Marc Anthony, Human Skin Hanger, is next to perform. But who is that diva in the fringe dress? It's his wife, Jennifer Lopez! Wait, is it Jennifer Lopez's evil twin? She's looking at him real weird, in a way that scares me. WHICH ONE DO I SHOOT?
Stefano, James and Casey argue about who had the most shocking elimination. It was funny and cute, and reaffirmed again how much I love Casey. Then Pia showed up with a "Most Shocking" crown and sash. Good work, American Idol
The Top 13's guys hit us with a medley, and Stefano is sounding GREAT on it. Oh hi, Tom Jones! Are you our special surprise?
The final Ford Music Video reflects back on Season 10 and all the great times they had with the Ford Focus. It's unintentionally hilarious, having this emotional song over the most ridiculous footage of the Top 13 as zombies and gods and superheroes.
Lauren and Scotty invited their favorite teachers/principals to the finale to give them Ford Focuses. Lauren has been inspired by her principal ever since she started high school five months ago. Then, in honor of Oprah I guess, the finalists also got cars. And you get a car, and you
get a car!
We don't get cars, but we do get Lady Gaga singing "The Edge of Glory." Lady Gaga sang it from the edge of Gay Pride Rock. I really like this performance, the set, everything. Is it She-Ra inspired? At the end of the performance she and a dancer jumped off into the pridelands.
Lauren Alaina and her remaining vocal cords start off "Before He Cheats" and are soon joined by Carrie Underwood. Lauren Alaina looks really uncomfortable. I don't know if it's the lyrics, the subject matter, or just Carrie Underwood, who I imagine is quite stunning close up. Stop scrunching up your nose, Lauren! And at least try not to say "tell 'em, Carrie!" again. The flashpots exploded, since they were there anyway.
Was that Lee DeWyze behind Ryan Seacrest? I mean, he's definitely not performing tonight, but isn't having him peer over Ryan's shoulder a little cruel?
Beyonce's back to debut her new single, "One Plus One." After having listened to a good selection of songs from the Beyonce catalog, I am pretty sure this one won't be a favorite for me. But Beyonce got down and sweaty with it.
From Spider-man: Turn Off the Dark
, Bono and The Edge are here to make sure no one gets injured. God, I'm worried. At the end of the performance, Spider-man swung down for an upside-down kiss with J. Lo but she backed away. Like me, Jennifer doesn't like when actors come into the audience and touch you.
Before we hear who this season's Idol is, Steven Tyler performs "Dream On." The old girl's still got it!
After two hours, the time has come. It's time to reveal the winner of American Idol
Season 10! Lauren is already in tears, dressed for The Lawrence Welk Show
, and Scotty actually dressed up for this one. And the winner is ... Scotty McCreery!
He was in it to win it all along! Did he and Lauren just kiss?! When Ryan said that "s," he knew. Did he get a trophy? Since when does that happen?! Aww, Scotty is so sweet. And look at his awesome relatives! Is Scotty related to God? That's what I imagine God looking like.
So that's the show! Now everyone, including the contestants, can finally go to sleep. Scotty will sing "Love You This Big" to help make that happen if you need him to.(Images courtesy of FOX)