I’m not usually one for celebrity gossip, at least in the traditional sense–I don’t particularly care who’s dating or dumping each other, who got a haircut (ahem) or who said what behind whose insanely rich back. What I DO enjoy are when celebrities go bonkers. Like, totally off-the-wall lose their minds, preferably in a recorded context. Like voice mail. Or the radio!

'We are High Priests, Vatican Assassin Warlocks': 14 Bizarre Things Charlie Sheen Said Today

The hottest craze in celebrity meltdowns these days is the public rant. Christian Bale and Mel Gibson did it, and today it’s Charlie Sheen’s turn. But if you don’t have the energy or tolerance to listen to the full audio of his rant on Alex Jones’ radio show today (here at TMZ), don’t worry: I pulled the 14 best (worst? definitely weirdest!) quotes for you. This man is a maniac, whether he’s serious about this stuff or not. I understand slamming Chuck Lorre … but Thomas Jefferson?! Now you’ve gone too far, sir.

UPDATE: And what happened as a result of Crazy Pants’ antics? According to TMZ, Two and a Half Men got shut down for the rest of the season! CBS and Warner Bros. released this statement: “Based on the totality of Charlie Sheen’s statements, conduct and condition, CBS and Warner Bros. Television have decided to discontinue production of Two and a Half Men for the remainder of the season.” Check out Charlie Sheen’s response.

On the porn stars he lives with now: “What we all have is a marriage of the hearts. And to sully, contaminate, or radically disrespect this unit with a shameful contract is something I’ll leave to the amateurs and bible grippers.”

On people (“fools and trolls”) who talk about him:”Look what I’m dealing with, man. I’m dealing with fools and trolls. I’m dealing with soft targets, and it’s just strafing runs in my underwear before my first cup of coffee … they lay down with their ugly wives and their ugly children and just look at their loser lives and then they look at me and say, ‘I can’t process it.’ Well, no, and you never will! Stop trying! Just sit back and enjoy the show.”

On Chuck Lorre’s Sheen-lampooning Two and a Half Men vanity card:”I didn’t care for that vanity card … that was one of the few compliments that clown has paid me in almost a decade.”

On Chuck (“Chaim”) Lorre himself:”I embarrassed him in front of his children and the world by healing at a pace that his unevolved mind cannot process. Last I checked, Chaim, I spent close to the last decade effortlessly and magically converting your tin cans into pure gold. And the gratitude I get is this charlatan chose not to do his job, which is to write. Clearly someone who believes he’s above the law.”

On his own magical powers:”I’m sorry, man, but I’ve got magic. I’ve got poetry in my fingertips. Most of the time–and this includes naps –I’m an F-18, bro. And I will destroy you in the air. I will deploy my ordinance to the ground.”

On his new tattoo, described as “gnarlyisms” and depicting the banner from Apocalypse Now and the falling apple from The Giving Tree: “There’s my life. Deal with it. Oh, wait, can’t process it? LOSERS! Winning! Buh-bye.”

On Major League 3:”Whatever … If they want me in it, it’s a smash. If they don’t, it’s a turd that opens on a tugboat.”

More mixed metaphors for his immense strength and power:”There’s a new sheriff in town. And he has an army of assassins.”

On how he’s a High Priest Vatican Assassin Warlock (YUP!): “Guys, it’s right there in the thing, duh! We work for the Pope, we murder people. We’re Vatican assassins. How complicated can it be? What they’re not ready for is guys like you and I and Nails and all the other gnarly gnarlingtons in my life, that we are high priests, Vatican assassin warlocks. Boom. Print that, people. See where that goes.”

His term for people he likes: “Gnarly gnarlingtons.”

I’m sorry, what? “If you love with violence and you hate with violence, there’s nothing that can be questioned. People say, ‘Oh, you’d better work through your resentments.’ Yeah, no. I’m gonna hang on to them, and they’re gonna fuel my attack. And they’re going to fuel the battle cry of my deadly and dangerous and secret and silent soldiers. Because they’re all around you. Sorry, you thought you were just messing with one dude. Winning.”

On what he’s actually addicted to: “The only thing I’m addicted to right now is winning.”

On Alcoholics Anonymous versus his magical brian: “This bootleg cult, arrogantly referred to as Alcoholics Anonymous, reports a 5 percent success rate. My success rate is 100 percent. Do the math … another one of their mottoes is ‘Don’t be special, be one of us.’ Newsflash: I am special, and I will never be one of you! I have a disease? Bulls**t! I cured it with my brain, with my mind. I cured it, I’m done.”

On one of our founding fathers:”I’m not Thomas Jefferson. He was a p***y. But I dare anyone to debate me on things.”

I do not want Charlie to murder me, so let me just say right here: I am a conscientious objector to his so-called “Info War.” I dare not debate him on “things.” I’m just here to document, and all I want to know is: Where are you, Emilio Estevez? Help your brother and his magical assassin brain! Or at least, help me. I’m scared, and I could use a good Mighty Ducks quack-round right now.

(Image courtesy of CBS)

Meghan Carlson

Senior Writer, BuddyTV

Meghan hails from Walla Walla, WA, the proud home of the world’s best sweet onions and Adam West, the original Batman. An avid grammarian and over-analyzer, you can usually find her thinking too hard about plot devices in favorites like The OfficeIt’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and How I Met Your Mother. In her spare time, Meghan enjoys drawing, shopping, trying to be funny (and often failing), and not understanding the whole Twilight thing. She’s got a BA in English and Studio Art from Whitman College, which makes her a professional arguer, daydreamer, and doodler.