The Voice is back for its second week of blind auditions of season 3. It’s been a good week for the show, crushing The X Factor in the ratings on Wednesday. And with that in mind, I assume the first audition of the night being a girl who sings a Britney Spears song is a not-so-subtle dig at The Voice‘s competition.
As the judges arrive, Cee Lo Green still has Lady the Pink Cockatoo and we learn that Purrfect the Cat is forced to wait in the car. I hope he cracked a window. Maybe more singers would pick Cee Lo if they he was stroking his lucky kitty in his chair.
Melanie Martinez (“Toxic” by Britney Spears)
This 17-year-old photographer dresses like a cross between Olive Oyl and Vicki from Small Wonder and has a gap in her teeth that makes Anna Paquin look normal. She does a weird acoustic version of the Britney classic with a tambourine. The best part is Christina Aguilera’s bitchface, because she looks like she’s trying really hard not to look like she HATES this Britney Spears song.
Coaches: Adam, Cee Lo and Blake turn around. It’s impossible not to read a whole lot into the fact that Xtina is the only coach who didn’t turn around on a Britney song. Adam Levine thinks she sounds like Bjork and Blake Shelton disses him because he thinks she sounds like a true original. She joins Team Adam.
Cupid (“Cupid Shuffle” by Cupid)
This song was a viral hit five years ago and it’s basically hip-hop’s answer to the Electric Slide. Apparently he was a one-hit wonder, but since I’ve never heard of his song, I consider him a no-hit non-wonder. If he’s really trying to avoid being labeled a one-hit wonder, singing your one hit is probably not the best idea.
Coaches: No one turns around. Of course not. This is basically the same as when that boy band kid from Dream Street auditioned last week. Cee Lo recognizes him and wonders why this guy is even here. Stupid Cupid, it’s your own damn fault for crappy song selection.
Brian Scartocci (“Isn’t She Lovely? By Stevie Wonder)
He’s a single dad with impossible cute kids. He has a really odd speaking voice and an equally strange singing voice. He’s a very good singer, but I simply don’t enjoy the tone of his voice.
Coaches: Adam, Cee Lo and Blake turn around. Xtina must be in a foul mood today. Blake’s pitch is that they both wear jeans, vests and belt buckles and they both have beards. Oh Blake, you’re so charming, and it’s a lot more appealing than Adam’s shameless “I sang with Stevie and I want to hear you sing with him too.” He joins Team Adam. Brian said before coming he was sure he was gonna pick Cee Lo, but clearly he didn’t stick to that. This marks 12 battles in a row Cee Lo has lost to a fellow coach.
Beat Frequency (“E.T.” by Katy Perry)
After a series of bad duos we meet this married couple, Shawn and Natasha. His bald head and white sunglasses set off my hipster d-bag alarm. He’s what would happen if you put Spencer Pratt’s brain in the body of Billy Corgan from Smashing Pumpkins and she looks like a white trash Xtina.
Coaches: Christina is the only coach who turns around. They join Team Xtina.
Tyler Lillestol (“U Got It Bad” by Usher)
He’s a huge baseball fan and got invited to The Voice on the Jumbo-Tron at Dodger Stadium after singing the National Anthem. It’s not all that great, especially compared to Phillip Phillips’ awesome version of this song from last season of American Idol.
Coaches: No one turn around. They just didn’t think he did enough with it.
Liz Davis (“Here for the Party” by Gretchen Wilson)
She’s a country girl who loves riding four-wheelers. I’m pretty sure “Team Blake” is stamped somewhere on her body already. She has a ton of energy and I think she’s better at showmanship than singing.
Coaches: Adam, Christina and Blake turn around. Blake waits until the last minute then busts out his ACM Award for Male Vocalist of the Year. Blake simply says that as she listens to “the barrage of crap” coming from Adam and Xtina, Liz should just remember that Blake IS country music. She joins Team Blake. Of course she does.
J.R. Aquino (“Just the Way You Are” by Bruno Mars)
He’s an Alaskan YouTube sensation with over 45 million views. He tells us that he doesn’t live in an igloo, which makes me like him, but also makes me wish he DID live in an igloo. I think the coaches get swept away in the song, because his voice isn’t all that strong.
Coaches: Adam, Christina and Cee Lo turn around. Cee Lo points out that he waited so long because he noticed there were some problems with the falsetto parts, which there were. He joins Team Cee Lo. Wait, what? No one EVER picks Cee Lo. I guess constructive criticism pays off.
Agina Alvarez (“Turn the Beat Around” by Vicki Sue Robinson)
She’s been signed before and made a Latin album, but then got shelved. She’s a pretty young thing, but her story of struggle isn’t as impactful as others. She lost her album deal and her dad lost his job, but then he got a NEW job and her family still supports her career. But maybe they shouldn’t. She’s very loud and has a very deep, mannish voice. It’s quite off-putting.
Coaches: No one turns around. They all think she’s pretty, but Xtina nails it by saying the performance was at a 10 the entire time and there were no dimensions.
Nicholas David (“Stand by Me” by Ben E. King)
He has a giant beard and he used to drink a lot and ballooned up to over 300 pounds before meeting his wife and changing his life around for the better. It’s hard to pay attention to his singing because all I want to do is shave his crazy facial hair. The dude doesn’t need a recording contract, he needs a makeover.
Coaches: Cee Lo turns around. This marks his third uncontested team member. He joins Team Cee Lo. Lady the Pink Cockatoo is very happy, probably because she thinks she can make a nest in Nicholas’ beard.
Alessandra Guercio (“The Climb” by Miley Cyrus)
She goes to the school from Fame. I wonder if she’s gonna live forever on this show. She makes the song sound better than it is.
Coaches: Adam and Cee Lo turn around. Adam admits there were some issues, but she has potential. Cee Lo doesn’t seem to really want her on his team, so he rambles like Seth MacFarlane doing Ryan Lochte on Saturday Night Live. She joins Team Adam.
Adanna Duru, Kelly Crapa and Paulina
Then we get a quick montage of successful teenagers. Fifteen-year-old Adanna joins Team Adam, 15-year-old Kelly joins Team Blake and 16-year-old Paulina joins Team Xtina.
Avery Wilson (“Without You” by David Guetta)
He’s from a family of dancers, but his dad recognized that 16-year-old Avery is more of a singer. His dad is right, because right away it’s obvious he has an amazing voice and is a great showman. This guy might be there at the end.
Coaches: All four coaches turn around. Blake obviously didn’t want to because he knows he has no shot of getting this guy on his team, but he had to press his button because Avery is THAT good. He joins Team Cee Lo. Congrats, Cee Lo, you went from two straight episodes of losing every singer you turned around for to winning a four-coach battle. Clearly Cee Lo has his mojo back.
(Image courtesy of NBC)