Miranda Lambert needs to start worrying about losing her husband. This episode of The Voice was all about Blake Shelton as he added five new members to his team, including a very domineering woman. But the real star was someone Blake lost out on, a hot guy who Blake fell in love with. Yes, it was a major man crush as Blake couldn’t take his eyes off a dreamy A.C. Slater-esque returning singer.
Before we begin, Carson Daly inexplicably gives us the WRONG information at the start of the show, claiming Christina Aguilera has 11 team members while Cee Lo Green has 10. Those numbers are reversed. Shame on you, Carson.
Michelle Brooks-Thompson (“Proud Mary” by Creedence Clearwater Revival)
Taking on a song commonly associated with Tina Turner is no easy feat, but she does it well, staying true enough to the original while making it her own in several parts. She also has one of the worst cases of Crazy Eyes I’ve ever seen. I was terrified they were gonna pop out of their sockets midway through the performance.
Coaches: Adam, Cee Lo and Christina turn around. Xtina waits until the last minute while Blake admits to being stupid for not turning (though he spent the whole time telling Xtina this one was hers). She joins Team Adam. That’s a bit unexpected.
Diego Val (“Animal” by Neon Trees)
This Peruvian had a childhood disease, but more importantly, he seems to have modeled his haircut on Gary Oldman’s character in The Fifth Element. He’s kind of whiny and he’s trying way too hard, even switching to Spanish halfway through.
Coaches: Cee Lo turns around. Of course he does, because Cee Lo loves it when artists try way too hard to change up a song. Xtina and Adam say they might steal him during the battle rounds, which is their way of saying, “You’re not the best singer, but you have a very marketable and sexy look.” He joins Team Cee Lo.
Lauren Brooke (“Cowboy Casanova” by Carrie Underwood)
She had dyslexia as a kid. OK, is it just me or does EVERY SINGLE CONTESTANT on this show have an origin story that involves turning to music to help with a childhood medical condition?
Coaches: No one turns around. Aww, poor sultry country girl. Adam gets temporarily possessed by American Idol‘s Randy Jackson and calls her pitchy.
Suzanna Choffel (“Landslide” by Fleetwood Mac)
She teaches little kids to play instruments and she says things about music being the purest representation of her soul. Her voice is textured and beautiful, and she’s clearly great at telling stories with her voice.
Coaches: Adam and Blake turn around. Blake plays dirty by saying he might be able to help take her to the finale. She joins Team Blake. Blake cackles with delight while Adam sulks like a baby.
Michaela Paige and Ryan Jirovec
She’s a 16-year-old with a two-toned Mohawk and he’s totally nondescript. They join Team Blake.
Dez Duron (“Sara Smile” by Hall and Oates)
He’s a hot football player who dropped out of college to audition last season, but no one turned around. He sounds better and sings like a hot guy.
Coaches: Cee Lo, Christina and Blake turn around. Blake turns first and begs the others not to push their buttons so he can keep the hot guy all to himself. All three coaches (and the 4,000 ladies in the audience) desperately want him. Blake’s got a big, old man crush working: “Man-to-man, you’re hot.” He then compares Dez to A.C. Slater from Saved by the Bell and Elvis. Blake’s idea of hotness for guys is pretty dated. He joins Team Xtina. Sorry Blake, but this is good news for Miranda Lambert because it means her husband won’t be leaving her for Dez.
V.J. (“Forget You” by Cee Lo Green)
He’s a singing teacher who wears a bowtie. As the Doctor would say, bowties are cool. Doing a coach’s song seems like a bad idea, as does V.J. doing falsetto. This is like fun but terrible karaoke.
Coaches: No one turns around. As a consolation prize, Cee Lo gets up and performs with V.J. Wait, when did The Voice become Duets?
Alexis Marceaux (“Go You Own Way” by Fleetwood Mac)
She’s a victim of Hurricane Katrina and may or may not be a fictional character from HBO’s Treme. She’s good, but I find nothing remarkable in her voice.
Coaches: Cee Lo turns around. This guy is way too easy to please since he loves rocker chicks. She joins Team Cee Lo. She is Cee Lo’s seventh undisputed team member (meaning no other coaches turned around). Up to this point, Blake only has three undisputed singers, Xtina has two and Adam has just one.
Sam James, Laura Vivas, Lelia Broussard
Sam is a poor man’s Bryan Keith and joins Team Adam. Laura is a fiery Latin star who joins Team Xtina. Leila is Miranda Lambert-esque and joins Team Blake.
Brandon Mahone (“I Wish It Would Rain” by The Temptations)
He’s inspired by “classical” music like the Temptations and Gladys Knight. To me, “classical” means Beethoven and Mozart, but whatever. His family left Chicago to avoid gang violence. I think he’s got a teen Michael Jackson vibe going.
Coaches: Adam, Cee Lo and Christina turn around. They all love that he’s a genuine soul singer. He joins Team Adam.
Jeffrey James (“A Little Less Conversation” by Elvis Presley)
He’s a valet who throws his CDs in the backseat of the cars he parks in hopes of being discovered. That’s shameless, but he owns his desperation and makes it charming.
Coaches: No one turns around. I’m shocked because this is the best audition that no one has turned around for. The coaches acknowledge that the best part was at the end and it was too late. I feel like he might’ve gotten a push earlier in the season, but since there are so few spots left (Adam only has two), the coaches are getting more conservative.
Jordan Pruitt (“The One That Got Away” by Katy Perry)
She was a Disney child star with a record deal. You can tell she was legit because she has her own Wikipedia page. I feel like there’s a big vacuum right now for young female pop stars, with Demi Lovato and Carly Rae Jepsen monopolizing the marketplace.
Coaches: Christina turns around. I’m guessing the others didn’t bother because they knew this girl would pick Xtina no matter what. She joins Team Xtina.
Terisa Griffin (“Someone Like You” by Adele)
She’s a 42-year-old sassy black woman in the style of Jackee. I instantly love her no-nonsense attitude. She oversings some parts, but she also makes it her own, which is almost impossible to do with such a huge song.
Coaches: Christina and Blake turn around. Blake encouraged Xtina to push her button all along, but then he realized this is a competition and he wants her too. Teresa gets her sass on and asks what the coaches will do for her. Blake is flummoxed. She joins Team Blake. Wow, what a shock! She says it’s because Blake was the one telling Xtina to push her button all along. I want to watch the Blake and Terisa show.
So Adam only has two spots left, Cee Lo and Xtina have three and Blake still has four to go. Now things are gonna get serious.
(Image and videos courtesy of NBC)