The last time we left the Real Housewives of Orange County, they were fighting over dinner in Costa Rica. Tamra shouted at Alexis and made her cry. Heather feels awkward. They all tell each other to look in the mirror. Heather and Tamra demand that they hug, but Alexis excuses herself to be alone and ugly-cry. The women sit back down to dinner and congratulate themselves on being honest.

Gretchen goes to comfort Alexis, but she sort of backed Tamra up in the bus that ran over Alexis, so it’s too little too late. Gretchen returns with the salad course, unsuccessful. Gretchen cries because her friend is hurting, but Heather and Tamra convince her “you are HELPING her.” Vicki goes to Alexis, armed with lobster. Alexis welcomes Vicki, and Gretchen feels even worse.

The next morning, things look brighter, if not a little more puffy. Alexis is already packing up because she has to take care of her kids, and she learned nothing from the whole experience. She’ll have an 11 hour flight to think it over. Heather comes in to check on her, and Alexis tells her “it is what it is.” The women pile into a Jeep headed for the National Park.

“Thanks for coming to my room last night and bringing me lobster,” Alexis says to Vicki, ignoring Gretchen. Harumph! A picnic is set up for the ladies on the beach, and just as Heather is pouring her precious “champs,” all the creatures of the jungle swing by to see what they’re eating. Alexis and Gretchen steal away to have a talk, and Alexis tells Gretchen that Vicki “barged in, you know Vicki.” Yugh, who cares.

Alexis has a point, though, Gretchen shouldn’t have come to Alexis saying “this is so hard on me.” Gretchen tried to explain it, but Alexis couldn’t understand what she was saying. She’s defensive, deflective, and not helping her case at all. Alexis heads out early, and the remaining Housewives breathe a sigh of relief.

Now, let’s get back to what a nutbag Vicki is! Tamra and Gretchen rub butts and hump the air in front of Heather to get her to loosen up. Then, a capuchin monkey runs toward the picnic and isn’t phased by Vicki’s screeching. Gretchen hands him a banana, which he swats out of her hand, then backs away, holding it like a gun in a robbery. They feel pleased with themselves, but then swarms of monkeys emerge from the trees and they decide to leave before things get real.

Next, the women are going to plant baby trees. “No thanks,” the forest said, but they didn’t listen. The women choose their trees for symbolic reasons, and Vicki grabs one for Alexis. Vicki won’t shut up and let the moment happen, though. “You know what’s going to be sad is one day when one of us dies,” Vicki turns around and says. WHAT. Get a grip, Vicki. “It’s our first legacy that we leave as a group,” Vicki says tearfully, then kills Alexis’s tree by accident. Even years after reality TV empires have crumbled, these trees will continue to exist, woo-hooing into the skies of Costa Rica.

The women are going white water rafting for Heather’s final activity in Costa Rica. They are all scared, particularly Heather. Vicki just sees the river and screams. What a nightmare. The prove a nightmare for the guide, too, as they continue to interrupt his safety demonstration. I hope they all fall out.

Vicki yells, and forgets to paddle frequently. Heather gets pretty into it, and manages not to clock Vicki in the back of the head with a paddle, as I might have. Afterward, Heather leaves Costa Rica, and its just the blondes now. Tamra and Gretchen are wearing hot pink, and Vicki is upset about it/everything.

“Are you feeling a little insecure and sad?” Tamra asks Vicki. Vicki nods, and then launches into Donn being sad without her. Where did that come from? There is an imbalance here, and I’m curious to know how many beers in they are. Vicki says that if Donn wanted her back she’d go back. What that has to do with anything, I’m not sure.

Vicki tells us yet again that she cries all night and can’t stop crying ever. I’m glad my mom isn’t like that about anything. Vicki lets it slip that Brooks goes along with her to get her nails done and he picks out the colors and tells her to match her nails and her toes. That’s kind of weird. What is his deal? We still don’t know.

(images courtesy of Bravo)

Carla Patton

Writer, BuddyTV

Originally from Seattle, Carla recently took a husband and moved to Austin, Texas, where she is finally using her television “problem” to her advantage. It’s sort of like Dexter, but boring and less murdering. Carla’s favorite shows include 30 RockThe Amazing RaceProject RunwayModern Family, anything with murder, and pretty much anything gross and weird (CSIThe BachelorToddlers & Tiaras, etc.). Favorite canceled shows include: Arrested DevelopmentVeronica Mars and Average Joe. In her spare time, Carla leads tours of downtown Austin on a Segway (don’t knock it ’til you’ve tried it!), blogs about Netflix Instant, and visits elementary schools telling children they don’t need math to succeed (just kidding, stay in school, kids).