As the weeks go on, it only becomes clearer that ABC cast very few legitimate candidates to be Emily Maynard’s husband and her daughter’s new dad. I mean, if they did, how did THIS guy get through? But Emily’s not giving up hope, or her $350,000 wardrobe, so her quest for a fast-acting father figure continues. This week, our broad and her broad shouldered boys go abroad!
Chris Harrison gathers the bros to tell them that Emily has already left North Carolina (cool communal girlfriend move), and they’ll be joining her in Bermuda as the first leg of a “worldwide tour.” Except the guys who won’t get roses on this week’s dates. Bermuda will be their first and last stop. Let me just say, I can’t believe Music Mike with the Majestic Hair has made it to the international dates. THAT HEADBAND.
Even his face is subconsciously rejecting it.
Over in Bermuda, Emily is already there with little Ricki, doing normal family vacation things like flying kites, giggling on the beach and staring seriously into each other’s eyes, willing the universe to give them a husband/dad so their lives can finally have real meaning.
The guys arrive to their suite as a super-masculine scooter gang. Arie reads the first date card: “Doug, let our senses lead the way.” Is she going to smell him? Alejandro is sad that he hasn’t gotten a date or any airtime since he showed up. I am too, because he is fiiiiiiine. Maybe now that vampire detector AleSSANdro’s gone, Emily finally has space in her brain to recognize AleJANdro as his own person? He’s an innovative mushroom farmer! And not even in a weird way! He gave a TED Talk about it!
Outside, there’s a storm brewing, while inside, the guys grill Doug on whether he thinks he’ll get a rose on his date. He starts swearing up a storm and it’s clear that the guys are trying to psych him out. Admittedly, it is WAY too easy to psych Doug out. All Arie has say is, “You seem nervous,” and Doug flies into a very “fed-up father” rage. Emily walks in to pick up Doug and immediately “senses” the tension, almost like all the other guys wish they could be on the date instead! So weird. Arie just laughs and does a “Doug as The Hulk” impression. Thank goodness someone here isn’t taking this seriously.
Date #1: Exploring St. George with Doug
Doug and Emily spend the day walking around the little shops in Bermuda, and basking in each other’s amazingness, meaning that they are both parents. Pretty sure “being a dad” is Doug’s only interest in life/on Facebook. Emily is very impressed with Doug’s positive energy. I am very impressed with how he always looks in her eyes, even when her boobs are trying to lure him down.
To his further credit, Doug admits to Emily that he got a little bit of a temper with the guys earlier in the day. I think he misses being a dad (see above), so he needed to get his disciplinary kicks out somehow. Emily writes a postcard to Doug’s son, thanking him for letting her “borrow” his dad and that she hopes they can play together sometime. But she leaves out the part about how it’s more likely that Dad will come home alone, sad and very embarrassed.
Meanwhile, back in Bromuda: The group date card arrives, and it says “Let’s set sail on the sea of love.” Very creative and original. The card is addressed to Charlie, Ryan, Chris, Jef, Sean, Arie, Travis and Kalon. I already knew that Nate and John wee going on the dreaded two-on-one date, because ABC said so in their press release, which means poor Alejandro has been forgotten again.
Doug and Emily sit down to dinner, and she worries that he is hiding something, because he always gives the “perfect” answer … just like Brad. I see what she means about Doug seeming scripted, but I wish she would stop making comparisons to Brad. It makes her seem not over him. And besides, Doug is a lot more intelligent and sincere than Brad, and the fact that she considered Brad “perfect” is disturbing.
Emily asks Doug what his last girlfriend would have complained about him, and he does that interview thing where you frame a strength as a weakness. “I spend too much time with my kid, and I didn’t wash her car … enough!” Emily tells him that she wants the honest answer, not the perfect answer, and lists her own “faults” as an example. Like that she doesn’t work out (bitch) and likes to stay in her pajamas all day. RIGHT. Doug is like, “Wow. You just proved MY point, which is that this question is stupid. But you’re amazing and I want to marry you.” Emily feels bad for putting Doug on the spot and questioning his perfection. Maybe they’re both perfect and just don’t have real faults! So she decides to give him the rose.
DEFINITELY HIDING SOMETHING SINISTER (like a spray tan addiction)
Doug says this is the best date he’s ever had, and he’s on “cloud nine” about it all, but then the moment to kiss her comes and goes, and Emily’s face goes from happy to “just saw a dead raccoon on the side of the road.” And Doug is the dead raccoon. He may have a rose now, but this love-starved MILF is on this show to get some ACTION. If Doug doesn’t put out soon, he’s roadkill.
Date #2: A Sailing Race with Ryan, Arie, Jef, Kalon, Charlie, Sean, Travis and Chris
At first, the guys think they’re just taking sailing lessons at the Bermuda Yacht Club, but then they find out that this is a battle. A battle to see who gets to spend time with Emily later, who will spend the majority of this date alone on the dock while they fight for her. They’ll be split into two teams for a sailing race. The losers have to go back to the hotel like a bunch of sad, celibate lame-os. So, there’s a lot at stake. Sean and Ryan are both like, “I’m gonna win, because I play football.” I’m not sure they know how sailing works.
Back at the bro-tel: The three guys who almost never get screentime find out which two of them are on the last date. It’s Nate and John “Wolf,” as we already knew. The datecard reads, “Let’s explore this Bermuda love triangle.” GREAT.
Back on the date, Emily sounds the horn for the sailing race. It’s Team Yellow (Ryan, Arie, Jef, Kalon) versus Team Red (Charlie, Sean, Travis, Chris). It’s very intense. All the guys are swearing and pulling on ropes, a LOT. Except Kalon, who’s probably sneaking swigs from his solid gold flask and missing his butler, who used to secure the riggings for him.
Many minutes of sailing and yelling footage later, Team Yellow wins the race, which means that Team Red need to be tied to the boat so they don’t jump off and drown themselves immediately.
YAY TEAM WHITE! I MEAN YELLOW!
While Team Yellow celebrates with champagne and the only woman in the entire world, Team Red holds back their tears and think about how they’d rather be starving kids in Africa than be sailing race losers at the Bermuda Yacht Club. Charlie literally starts crying in the van on the way home. Wait, didn’t he fall off a balcony and almost die not that long ago? Perspective, dude.
Yes, but not for the reason you should be.
At the post-sailing race victory party, Ryan toasts to his “future wife,” just to be a dick to the other guys. Typical Ryan. [UPDATED: Apparently I was too busy typing and missed that Ryan said future “TROPHY” wife!!! This situation has been upgraded from Typical Ryan to Pure, Uncut, Ultimate Douchbaggery Ryan.] But Arie is the first to steal Emily away. They make out under a blanket on the beach. Emily is very comfortable with Arie because A) he has the same job that her dead fiance had, B) he is hot, and C) he talks and acts like a normal human. That is a rare and golden combo in The Bachelorette world.
Jef is tired of being on group dates, and tells Emily not to make him go on them anymore. He wants to be special and for their time together to matter to her. Well … wrong show, dude. Jef ain’t getting any younger, but his hair sure is getting crazier! The wind makes him look like a melting ice cream cone.
“Before I go … do you have a bobby pin?” – Jef
Emily snuggles with Jef under the SAME FREAKING blanket that she just snuggled under with Arie, but Jef doesn’t kiss her, which makes her sad. “Why didn’t he kiss me? Is it because he saw me kissing that other guy a minute ago in the same spot under the same blanket? Oh well, guess I’ll just go over there and see if that other guy wants to kiss me now.” #Bachelorettepeopleproblems
Uh oh, it’s Ryan’s turn to put his giant athlete’s foot-ridden toes inside the stupid mouth on his gigantic face. Emily tells him that the dumb stuff he says isn’t exactly a turn-on, but he’s so dumb that he just keeps saying them anyway. Like: “God designed you to be a beautiful woman, so be a beautiful woman.” He calls this being “flirtatious.” Then, for good measure, he makes her feel bad for kissing Arie at the cocktail party last week, and basically accuses her of treating the men badly and being a bad role model to all the young women out there, who are watching and idolizing her ability to play the field with a kid at home. Emily is offended by the “double standard” that Bachelors can make out with everyone without criticism. “I just feel like he’s judging me.” Honey, it’s not a feeling. HE IS.
“UGH.” – What Ryan says when he sees the female he wants to club and drag back to his cave. And what I say when I see him.
Emily gives one-F Jef the group date rose (again) for no discernible reason (again). I mean, yes, he’s cute, but I’m not entirely sure that I “GET” Jef. He seems nice enough, but he doesn’t … DO … anything. He just sits there and says, “I hope this time is important to you” in his soft, smooth way, and Emily just falls all over herself and gives him the rose. Where’s the “there” there? Also, his hair. I think he bought it vintage on eBay. Or … are we sure he’s not the real-life version of Brendan Fraser in Blast from the Past?
They watch fireworks and Jef puts his arm around Emily, the end. (Of this date.)
Date #3: Cliff-Jumping and Cave-Exploring with Nate and John
It’s time for the two-on-one date, and Emily is so sad that either Nate or John (I now refuse to call him “Wolf” ever again, because he has done NOTHING to earn that nickname in my eyes) has to get “lost at sea” today. Well … then … maybe … don’t … do … that … to … them? You already got them to move the show to North Carolina. You probably don’t HAVE to do the “fight to the death” dates, either.
Nope. Not an option. John and Nate ride out to Emily’s yacht in a little dinghy, like they all work for a really high-end drug cartel. She welcomes them aboard, but only one will leave the boat … alive.
Could you just drop me off here? In the middle of the ocean? Yeah, that’d be great.
Meanwhile, back at the bro-bunker: The bros sit around in their hoodies (in Doug’s case, without a shirt on underneath) and have an in-depth discussion about whether older guys are more mature and wiser. Chris gets butthurt because he is 25 and considers himself more mature than Doug. Here, let me settle this RIGHT NOW. Chris: Doug is right. Age and life experience do make you more mature, and you are just proving Doug’s point by acting like a baby about that. Doug: Chris is right. Age isn’t the only deciding factor for maturity. For example, if you’re a 30-something dad on The Bachelorette, you still have some maturing to do that many 25-year-olds have already accomplished. Case closed! You’re both deluded.
The overwhelming lack of chemistry on the yacht is palpable. Emily, John and Nate arrive at a cliff. Emily strips to her swimsuit, showing off her painfully out-of-shape 20” waist that she never works out. Everyone shouts, “WE’RE BORING!” and jumps off the cliff. I wish there were rocks at the bottom. But Nate and John are the rocks. Send them BOTH home, Emily!
After cliffjumping, Emily takes John and Nate to a cave, to symbolize how neither of them has even a CHANCE IN HELL of seeing HER special secret cave. They sit down. Everyone immediately chugs as much wine as possible. You can literally hear the room echoing with the awkwardness. Nate keeps says “quinoa,” which is bad enough, but I think he’s saying it wrong, which is even worse. If only a stalactite would fall and hit one of them on the head, so Emily’s choice would be obvious (and the rose goes to … the conscious guy) and the date could be over.
THE CAVE OF SLUMBERS
Emily grabs Nate and takes him to a different part of the cave, so they can talk more intimately. In this vast and echoing cave. (John can hear everything they’re saying, for sure.) They sit on some tall, dirty rocks and drink champagne. Normal. Just when I think things couldn’t get weirder, Nate starts crying about how much he misses his friends and family. Good grief.
John is either pouting about being on the two-on-one date, or he’s just a wet blanket in general. He claims that he doesn’t like being the center of attention. Still not explaining or justifying his nickname of, sigh, “Wolf.”
It’s time for the moment of truth. Emily decides that she has more of a connection with John than Nate, and pins the rose on him, while Nate is forced to watch. I wonder if he regrets crying in front of her now. I bet he definitely regrets wearing that bright pink v-neck shirt under a blazer. Nate is sent off in the motor boat of shame while John downs the rest of the wine and considers the bittersweet-ness of getting a rose on a two-on-one date. Sure, she liked you more. But you are also a grown man who’s so desperate for a date that you just went into a cave with another grown man so a woman could date you both at once and judge and rank you right to your face. Even when you win, you’re still losing.
Emily shows up in a long, flowy white jumpsuit and a slicked-back ponytail. She looks like the beautiful ghost of a high-powered businesswoman. She says, “You all look handsome,” and Ryan says back, “As do you.” Was that a veiled insult about her outfit? He does seem like the type who would claim that women shouldn’t be allowed to wear pants.
As the only guy who didn’t get a date this week, Alejandro has the privilege of being the first to talk to Emily, so she can forget about him by the end of the night when she hands out the roses. They both say they have a connection, and though we haven’t seen any of that, I think he’s safe.
Uh oh, here comes Ryan and his “flirtatious” disaster of a brain. He asks Emily what makes her “WORTHY” of being his wife. He might be the dumbest man on the planet, yet he still manages to patronize her at every turn. The other guys sit around and talk about how narcissistic Ryan is, and how great it would be if he didn’t get a rose. Arie decides to cut in on him. Ryan covers up his rage with more ego, saying he feels sorry for how threatened and insecure the other guys must be around him. Much like his lonely remaining braincells must feel when they’re around a book.
Emily tells Arie that when she’s by herself, “on the porch swing” (in bed), she thinks about him. OooOooOOooh!
Meanwhile, Ryan is staring into the fire, contemplating his own greatness. He claims he’s called to “something greater” … like … and this is completely hypothetical, since he’s clearly here sincerely to become Emily’s husband … maybe, I don’t know, being The Bachelor? He’s just throwing it out there. Just in case. “If I was the Bachelor, I would be ready to open my heart up, and it would neat for everybody to see,” he says with a glint in his eye, like he thinks we’re all behind him. Like he thinks he’s fooling us. What a dummy. He definitely doesn’t eat quinoa.
Sean talks to Emily about what their future family life could be like (“chaos,” they hope! what a weird hope!) and then they push their lips together for a while without moving.
Chris wants to prove to Emily that he is wise and mature enough to be a father (figure). By INSEMINATING HER RIGHT HERE AND NOW. Oh, no. He wants to do it by dredging up his stupid, tired, non-drama with Doug and bothering her with it. Great call, Chris.
So Chris rambles at Emily about how Doug’s comments offended his fragile sense of manhood or whatever, and then corners Doug and asks him point-blank, “What makes you think you’re better than me?” Doug is like, “Whoa, dude. What?” Chris is the aspiring alpha dog, and Doug can’t even be bothered. “You’re so insecure. Just calm down,” Doug says. But he CAN’T calm down. His potential to win a kid could be on the line!
SAY I’M MATURE OR I’LL GIVE YOU A SWIRLY
Chris claims that Doug is “overpowering” yet “humble” (uhh, what?), and Chris doesn’t believe half of what Doug says, or even “believe” him as a human being. I have no idea how all this developed out of Chris wanting to prove that he’d make a good dad (again, GREAT MOVES YOU’RE MAKING there, dude! super mature!), but now Chris is accusing Doug of hiding something, too? Are the producers telling us something? Does Doug even HAVE a son? Is he Talented Mr. Ripley-ing everyone here? Or BETTER YET, is Doug … the vampire?
We’ll have to put a pin in that investigation, because it’s time for Emily to send two guys home. First, she sits down with Chris Harrison to talk about how hard her life is. She feels weighed down, and not just by that colony of freshwater pearls around her neck. All the guys are so sweet, how can she pick just one? Can’t she just have five husbands? OK, three?
Emily says that every time she hears about drama in the house, it’s usually about Doug or Ryan. She even says that Ryan is “manipulative” and he thinks “he’s pulling one over on her.” (But he’s too dumb to know it’s not working.) And yet, she’s still unsure about who to send home. Chris Harrison has some good advice for once in his life: Emily. You’re not here to be a hostess. You’re here to pick a husband on a game show by process of elimination. So, ELIMINATE. At least she avoided another potential problem: Forgetting the guys’ names and what they look like. Luckily, she brought all the men’s framed headshots to Bermuda so she wouldn’t have to bother looking at their actual faces when she thinks about who she wants to dump.
Quantity, not quality.
I realize that this episode has had a bizarre lack of Kalon. Did he stop being terrible, or did other guys’ terribleness just take the center stage? Probably the latter.
Doug, Jef and John have roses. Two men won’t get one.
And the roses go to…
Arie, even more obviously
Travis, who’s just egg-less filler at this point
Chris, ehhh OK
So, clearly, Emily’s “sixth sense” isn’t real. He may have worn too many headbands, but Music Mike was a better choice than Ryan. And he may have had a metal plate in his brain, but Charlie was still a better choice than Kalon.
Mike and Charlie take turns crying in the rain about how much potential they saw with Emily. Blah blah blah, forever alone and so forth.
Next Week: They’re going to London, oy! Jef finally gets that one-on-one he wanted, and so does Sean. The group date will include butchering the work of Shakespeare, and the big confrontation between Emily and the guy who called Ricki “baggage” (it’s Kalon, c’mon) will happen, when she tells him to “get the f*ck out.” YES!
(Images courtesy of ABC)