Ugh, Aviva at a health store? I can’t stand it. At least her father is there, and dating a black model in her 20s. Fantastic. The banter seems forced on Aviva’s end, though.

Isn’t Christmas over yet? I feel like the Housewives have been building up to it for so long. Sonja arrives at her town house from her settlement meeting. She appears wasted in every sense of the word. Apparently the settlement happened in two separate rooms, and this hurt Sonja. Ramona calls Sonja to check in, and Sonja tells her everything she just told us, and her unpaid interns.

Heather, who I used to find insufferable but now consider relatively reasonable, is holding a charity fashion show for liver transplants or something. Heather is very intent on showing that she is a business woman, and putting the pressure on Aviva to walk in the show. She tells everyone that Aviva has a prosthetic, so she is connected to transplants or something. Feh, I don’t know.

Luann visits Sonja, dressed in black/a chandelier. Sonja, dressed as the white swan, tells Luann she wants to sell things, and take down the painting of her ex-husband. It’s a weird thing to have, at all, this portrait. And this particular scene fits into the tapestry of RHONY Season 5 like that painting fits into Sonja’s home. It is almost entirely unwelcome.

A woman came in and took the painting (and its little desk lamp) off the wall to “archive” it. I’m sure that painting was a wonderful reminder to Sonja that she used to be married to someone who would have a portrait painted of themselves. Oh look, there’s one of Sonja, too.

Wait, why are Aviva and Ramona meeting? Oh, they’re meeting because Harry called Aviva, to let her know that Ramona called him asking “some very inappropriate questions,” and Ramona never passes up an opportunity to be inconvenienced.

Ramona rolls in wearing sunglasses indoors, and insulting chamomille tea. Who does that? Before Aviva can even dig into Ramona, Ramona digs into Aviva about her behavior at St. Barth’s. They bicker about who is more prone to “lose it,” and which one of them really ruined the “girls’ trip.” Oh and apparently Sonja and Ramona may have been spooning each other naked one morning. That is neither here nor there.

What I wouldn’t give to be the solitary tulip on that table. Oh did I say “to be”? I meant NOT to be that tulip, or either of those women, or anyone at that brunch place. They agree that they feel sorry for each other, and Aviva says that Ramona needs to evaluate her friendship with Sonja, in terms of drinking.

Ramona tells Aviva that god forbid she lose her house, her husband–and Aviva interrupts, “and my leg??” which is just a preposterous thing to bring up at a time like this. They are officially enemies.

Oh sh*t, Ramona is having some kind of event to promote awareness about domestic abuse. It is ALSO a charity fashion show, with proceeds going towards a women’s domestic abuse center. This episode has been lacking Carole, so I was delighted to see her show up at the event, and initiate this conversation:

Carole: Aviva’s coming here today? Or no?
Ramona: I don’t think so, not after the way she spoke to me. If she does come here I’m going to say ‘are you here to apologize?’ Otherwise there’s the door?
Carole: Oh. Did you invite her?
Ramona: Of course I did.

And then Ramona told Carole, very close to her face, about how she got diarrhea. And kept talking, with barely enough room for Carole to lift her wine glass.

Aviva didn’t show up, but her father did, just in time for Ramona to make a speech: “we’re here today, of course, supporting domestic abuse.” Now on with the fashion show and the treating of women as objects!

Aviva’s father, George, showed up with an envelope full of money from Aviva. I’m uncomfortable with the way Ramona is behaving, and especially the way everyone is hooting and hollering at the models. Sonja notes that this is an “all-women’s event,” which is putting abuse in just a sprinkle more limited terms. But I digress.

George offers the check from Aviva, and Ramona says she doesn’t want the check until Aviva apologizes. Ummm, I bet the foundation for domestic abuse wants that check, and doesn’t give a crap whether or not Aviva apologizes, Ramona. Ramona puts her hands on George’s shoulders, and keeps saying, “thank you for coming,” and George insists that Ramona was making fun of Aviva’s panic disorder.

“I don’t accept her abuse,” Ramona says, trying to hit all the buzz words at the event. She goes up to her friends and says, “now I’m shaking! HIS DAUGHTER called me a drunk,” and starts in on Aviva, and George tries to explain. He touches Ramona’s arm and she says, “DON’T PULL ON MY ARM. DON’T PULL ON MY ARM! CAN YOU GET HIM AWAY FROM ME! GET HIM OUT OF HERE!” and the whole room shuts down to watch.

“White trash doesn’t apologize,” Sonja tells Ramona, which maybe was supposed to be a comment or burn on Aviva, but ended up just affirming what she said in St. Barth’s. The chickens flapped their wings, and the rooster left, Carole telling him it’s probably better if he leave.

George invites Carole out to dinner, and she is working on getting him to leave when Ramona calls security on him. “I DON’T NEED THIS, I WAS ABUSED GROWING UP AND HIS DAUGHTER ABUSED ME VERBALLY AND I DON’T NEED TO TAKE ABUSE,” Ramona bleats into the room. At least George called her a trailer turd.

(images courtesy of Bravo)

Carla Patton

Writer, BuddyTV

Originally from Seattle, Carla recently took a husband and moved to Austin, Texas, where she is finally using her television “problem” to her advantage. It’s sort of like Dexter, but boring and less murdering. Carla’s favorite shows include 30 RockThe Amazing RaceProject RunwayModern Family, anything with murder, and pretty much anything gross and weird (CSIThe BachelorToddlers & Tiaras, etc.). Favorite canceled shows include: Arrested DevelopmentVeronica Mars and Average Joe. In her spare time, Carla leads tours of downtown Austin on a Segway (don’t knock it ’til you’ve tried it!), blogs about Netflix Instant, and visits elementary schools telling children they don’t need math to succeed (just kidding, stay in school, kids).