So Book Gate is in full throttle. Can we handle a whole season of this? At least it’s better than pretending that Sonja is actually ever going to release her toaster oven cookbook.

Back to the Hamptons

Sonja is planning a Caburlesque charity show in the Hamptons this weekend for LBGT youth. She’s comfortable performing since she’s been doing it practically her whole life in pageants and as a model. She says she’s going to be sexy and “Sonja Fresh” but I will be genuinely surprised (and maybe even a little disappointed) if this isn’t one big hot mess.

Carole’s going to Sonja’s show with Kristen even though she’s not a Hamptons kind of girl. She, Kristen and Heather are meeting at the beach for some surf lessons. The ladies embarrass themselves trying to squirm into wet suits and then trying to surf. Carole resents Kristen and Heather because they manage to stand up on their boards while she merely ends up face planting. But Carole does get her flirt on with the cute surf instructors. So the day is not a complete loss.

Sonja’s party is going to have a 1920s theme, because of course she just watched The Great Gatsby. At the last minute, she decides to get rid of her backup dancers because she’s a one-woman show. The party is in an airplane hanger and Sonja is starting to get nervous about how many people are going to be there. 

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At the party, Kristen finally gets to meet Harry, and she’s not sure what all the fuss is about and why everyone wants to bang him. You’re not the only one who doesn’t get it, Kristen.

LuAnn and Aviva are there, which annoys Carole, but she says she knows how to avoid people she doesn’t want to see. The Countess complains about drinking a martini in a plastic cup to Amanda the image consultant. Amanda jokes about Harry to Aviva and LuAnn, saying that he doesn’t remember meeting her because he’s never seen her naked. Why has Amanda been in every episode? Who’s image is she consulting? Why is she in everyone’s business? So many questions.

Aviva catches LuAnn up on the latest drama. She tells her that she and Ramona have made up, but now she’s in a fight with Carole. Aviva tells LuAnn all of the terrible things Carole has supposedly said about her as well as LuAnn. So it seems Aviva is recruiting LuAnn for Team Aviva.

When Sonja’s performance starts, Carole says that what she lacks in professional training, she more than makes up for with balls. That show is exactly what was to be expected: a weird hot mess. Carole says there is definitely a cringe factor, and Sonja’s no Dita Von Teese, but she’s doing her thing and Carole’s very proud that she was able to come out of a traumatic divorce and make art.

What’s even worse than the performance, though, is Amanda the image consultant’s rude comments that she keeps making under her breath, like “This is what menopause looks like” and “I need another drink” and “Oh my god, what the f***?” Heather is really put-off by Amanda’s rude manners.

Image Consultant

Kristen’s friend Alba is a designer and she’s having the women to her home to try on some of her bathing suits and cover-ups. Sonja isn’t interested in taking her clothes off anymore today, she’s more interested in the Argentinian sunning himself by the pool. Sonja says that Harry isn’t there because he’s having lunch with Aviva and Amanda. All of the ladies wonder who Amanda is and why she’s always hanging around. They come to the conclusion that she’s Aviva’s image consultant, because if anyone needs an image consultant, it’s Aviva.

At lunch, Harry asks Amanda if she liked the show last night. Amanda says that she doesn’t think it was as professional as it could have been and that Sonja’s timing was off. Aviva, to her credit, talks up Sonja, saying she “looked fabulous.” They talk about the party at LuAnn’s tonight, and how Harry isn’t invited because he’s a former flame of LuAnn’s and it would be disrespectful to Jacques if he were there. But Amanda devilishly suggests that he come as her date.

So the two show up to LuAnn’s party together. Much to Sonja’s dismay, Harry spends a lot of the night flirting with Amanda. Sonja says that she doesn’t consider anyone competition, because she broke the mold, but she can see Harry getting swept up in Amanda’s severe cleavage. Heather is also irritated to see Amanda, especially because she is sucking up to Sonja after being so nasty behind her back at her show the night before.

Carole thinks there’s a little awkwardness between her and LuAnn so she pulls her aside. She apologizes about anything she might have said that hurt her feelings last year. LuAnn accepts her apology and the two agree to just move forward. Aviva is suspicious that they’ve made up, thinking that Carole is probably trying to poach LuAnn to be on Team Carole.

Sonja, Aviva, LuAnn and Amanda are having a drunken conversation out on the patio (well, the Countess doesn’t seem as wasted as the other three). Sonja congratulates Aviva on her book and says that everyone should just be happy for her that she had a story to tell and was published. Aviva is so happy to have someone on her side that she gets up and kisses Sonja on the mouth. Aviva says that Carole was out of line at her housewarming party when she called her a “bad mother” and “a nobody.” She’s also claiming now that Carole grabbed her face.

Heather and Carole walk into the conversation because, you know, they’re at the same party. Heather accuses Aviva of being a character assassin, and they can’t move on from this because that’s just not right. Heather tells Aviva that she doesn’t like the way she speaks to people and things just escalate from there. But it’s mostly incoherent yelling between Aviva, Heather, Sonja and Amanda.

LuAnn tries to get control of the women by clapping her hands and stating “I am the hostess!” as if being the hostess is like being the ringleader of this circus. Unfortunately for her, absolutely no one pays any attention to her at all.

Carole and Aviva end up next to each other, completely rehashing the same argument. Carole says that Aviva has completely lied about everything, and Aviva says it’s Carole who is the liar. Under her breath and to no one in particular, Amanda the image consultant says something about how “sorry everyone’s not a brilliant writer” like Carole. Heather hears her and calls her out, asking her why she even feels the need to chime in. Amanda, obviously always the drunkest one in the room (on a show that includes Ramona and Sonja!), slurs something about being Aviva’s friend before stumbling out of the room threatening to deck Heather in the face.

Heather follows Amanda, taunting her to go ahead and deck her. I would really like to see Heather deck that Amanda girl in the face, but alas! We’re going to have to wait until next week’s episode to see what happens. And let’s hope Ramona is back next week too. I can’t even believe it, but I actually missed her in this episode.

The Real Housewives of New York City airs Tuesdays at 9pm on Bravo.

(Image courtesy of Bravo)

Gina Pusateri

Contributing Writer, BuddyTV