Last time we left the New Jersey Housewives, they were in Chicago preparing for Caroline’s brother’s gay wedding. And Juicy Joe was making HILARIOUS jokes that for some reason no one thought were funny! The next morning, Teresa shows up on the cover of InTouch Magazine. The cover reads “I’m Terrified of Being Poor!” and features Teresa, her kids, and a puppy. Teresa claims to be terrified of dogs, though, so the puppy is just the beginning of everyone’s confusion.

Greg returns to the Manzo room with toothpaste and an InTouch magazine. The magazine has “twisted” quotes from Caroline and the others. The article claims that her friends are bullying her for being broke. It also says Teresa is “building an empire,” but I’d be willing to bet she said “building an umpire,” and they just connected the dots. Jacqueline doesn’t really care about the article, but Caroline is pissed.

Meanwhile, in another room, Teresa is jumping on Joe, asking him about his giant bottle of lubricant. Poor Juicy, so misunderstood. Teresa visits Jacqueline in her room to discuss hats and this mystery puppy. InTouch brought the dogs, so Teresa is not responsible for the puppy, or for anything in that article containing the story she gave them. She denies any involvement, saying the articles are business, not personal. Well, she is getting paid. And now her next article will be a vow renewal to put to bed all the tabloid rumors she started.

“I feel like Teresa is losing her sense of reality,” Jacqueline says.

Several hats later, the whole crew rides in a limo/bus to the wedding. They try on British accents for fun, and the accents are worse than the hats. Teresa segues to the Gorga’s new shore house, where the next scene takes place.

The Gorgas are having a party at the shore house, but InTouch circulates at the Jersey Shore as well. “Ah geez,” Kathy says. She does not appreciate untruths being published about her.

Back in the limo/bus, Juicy calls Teresa a whore. He’s so funny. Then a road trip to Napa is announced, because Chris and Lauren’s boyfriend just landed a wine account. Teresa sort of invited herself, which is awkward. Then she started bothering Caroline who was working on her speech. You and your hat shut up.

“YEAH GAY WEDDING.” Rich and Jaimie show up in a horse-drawn carriage, and Caroline cries beneath her lily pad hat. Their vows are personal and touching. A lot of love in that garden. Also a couple barking dogs. Caroline delivers her speech/reading and everyone cries appropriately. Butterflies are released, and no one said anything rude.

At the shore house, Joe presents Melissa’s new song, “Rock Star.” Melissa dances in her ridiculous fringed bikini, and Rich asks Joe to take a walk with him. He says he’s proud of Joe for suggesting therapy, but surprised Teresa hasn’t even responded. Rich suggests he send a nice, loving text, and Joe obliges. He’s really making an effort.

Under the tent at the reception, Teresa announces that she just got a text … her book is on the NY Times bestsellers! That’s not the text I thought she’d talk about. Then she thanked everyone for their support. Caroline doesn’t want to hear about Teresa’s stupid cookbook.

Insisting on riding this game out, Teresa tells Joe “love,” so she can have a kiss. Joe denies her, telling her he’s too full “and you know I can’t make love when I’m full.” He is so funny, why does no one get him? Hysterical.

Meanwhile at the shore house, things get rowdy, Jersey style. Joe and Rosie wrestle, Rich and Kathy are makin’ out, and soon Joe is covered in whipped cream. This is the type of party I feel unsafe at.

Teresa tells Jacqueline about her other text, the one from her brother. Jacqueline bemoans the fact that she’s been hearing about this feud for two years now. She’s got her own problems. Teresa says she’s uncomfortable with therapy, it’s between her and her brother. She also claims she doesn’t have any grudges, it’s all Joe. Oof, just give it up, Teresa. And Jacqueline, give up this friendship, it’s a burden.

At the end of the night, Rich and Jaimie send out wish lanterns. It’s truly beautiful and romantic, as everyone is asked to light a wish and send it out into the universe. Jacqueline wishes that Teresa would just be a little more honest with herself. Fireworks explode at the wedding, but the relationship fireworks are about to explode between Jacqueline and Teresa in the next episode!

(images courtesy of Bravo)

Carla Patton

Writer, BuddyTV

Originally from Seattle, Carla recently took a husband and moved to Austin, Texas, where she is finally using her television “problem” to her advantage. It’s sort of like Dexter, but boring and less murdering. Carla’s favorite shows include 30 RockThe Amazing RaceProject RunwayModern Family, anything with murder, and pretty much anything gross and weird (CSIThe BachelorToddlers & Tiaras, etc.). Favorite canceled shows include: Arrested DevelopmentVeronica Mars and Average Joe. In her spare time, Carla leads tours of downtown Austin on a Segway (don’t knock it ’til you’ve tried it!), blogs about Netflix Instant, and visits elementary schools telling children they don’t need math to succeed (just kidding, stay in school, kids).