The barely-anticipated premiere of The Real Housewives of Miami is upon us. Are you ready to meet the new ‘wives? Whether or not you’re ready is irrelevant, you’re meeting them anyway. The vibe in Miami is free, sexual, and expensive. Party all day in Miami, why not? So let’s see what has washed up on the shores of Miami for us to look at.

Meet Lea! She “collects” outrageous people. She also considers herself outrageous and lives her life accordingly. Hi, Dennis Rodman, Lea’s friend! She also commissioned a creepy, uncanny valley-esque painting of her son, who looks like an 8-year old Andrew McCarthy’s character in Pretty in Pink, to hang in her giant home. Normal people stuff!

Meet Larsa, Scottie Pippen’s wife. People think she’s Spanish but she’s not! LOL. Larsa is from Chicago, likes having a boat in her backyard (in the water), and is good at everything she tries. Finding time to work out, go shopping, and take care of the homestead is hard work. She reminds me of Kyle Richards but without the endearing sense of humor.

Say hello to Adriana, an art dealer with skinny arms and big boobs. She’s engaged to a man with luxurious hair, who is also a good role model for her son. Adriana, you will learn, is “the flirty one.” People appreciate her “type of look” in Miami, and sometimes if I don’t watch too carefully I can pretend I’m watching RuPaul’s Drag Race instead.

Cristy is a divorced Cuban American who was born and raised in Miami. Don’t get it twisted. Cubans built this city (Miami) on bikinis, mojitos and SASS. Cristy has a psychic, one of several this season, and this does not bode well.

Cristy and Larsa take Adriana to Miami Fashion Week. Adriana is like, “blah blah blah New York,” and Cristy and Larsa are not impressed. They goad Adriana into walking the catwalk long after the show has ended. Well, it was more like Adriana asked, “do you guys dare me to walk on the runway?” then she did. For attention. Adriana’s “the crazy one,” and you can bet that Lea has collected her.

After the fashion show of one, the three ladies go out for drinks and mild dancing. A few young men join in to make the dancing less mild, and Larsa is married so she’s a bummer. I did like Larsa for telling that guy off who said married people aren’t happy. That guy had stupid hair.

People call Alexia “the Cuban Barbie,” but Barbie is silent, and Alexia is not. Maybe Alexia should take after Barbie a little more because the more she talks, the more I suspect that she might be an idiot. She has two teenage sons, one who is expressive and one who is more introverted. She is extremely attached to her sons and insists that they need her to not poop and pee all over themselves. They’re really more like friends than sons. Alexia is a big fan of Alexia.

Marysol owns The Patton Group, one of the best PR firms in Miami. Marysol is “anti-plastic surgery” and just started noticing much younger men asking her out. She has roped herself a cub named Philippe. Most importantly, Marysol’s mother, Elsa has psychic abilities. She is my favorite Miami lady. Elsa wants to meet Philippe to “trap him,” or just to get a feel for him.

Lea, collector of humans, decided to have a dinner party for her “girlfriends” to learn how to cook and drink GIANT glasses of wine. Lea is the clear queen bee, with her mom jeans and self-proclaimed outrageous personality. Marysol is worried about everything, and Adriana is the drama queen. Not sure how Larsa and Cristy fit into this whole mix yet.

Things that happened: Lea got everyone chef hats, Marysol was worried that Larsa would cut her fingers off but she didn’t, and they shared stories about their first husbands. Adriana had the most dramatic story about her first husband’s secret, common-law other wife.

It looks like The Real Housewives of Miami will split into two groups, rather than most of them ganging up against one target. Larsa and Cristy vs. Adriana and Lea, and Marysol and Alexia somewhere in the middle. It should make for a relatively interesting and dramatic season. Also, it appears that another Housewives dinner party will be ruined by the presence of a psychic!

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What do you think of The Real Housewives of Miami? Here’s what Snooki thought:

(images courtesy of Bravo, Twitter)

Carla Patton

Writer, BuddyTV

Originally from Seattle, Carla recently took a husband and moved to Austin, Texas, where she is finally using her television “problem” to her advantage. It’s sort of like Dexter, but boring and less murdering. Carla’s favorite shows include 30 RockThe Amazing RaceProject RunwayModern Family, anything with murder, and pretty much anything gross and weird (CSIThe BachelorToddlers & Tiaras, etc.). Favorite canceled shows include: Arrested DevelopmentVeronica Mars and Average Joe. In her spare time, Carla leads tours of downtown Austin on a Segway (don’t knock it ’til you’ve tried it!), blogs about Netflix Instant, and visits elementary schools telling children they don’t need math to succeed (just kidding, stay in school, kids).