In either the cruelest or most brilliant move in the history of women crying alone on the couch next to a two-thirds empty bottle of zinfandel and a half-eaten sleeve of Oreos, there’s a new episode of The Bachelor tonight! And it’s Valentine’s Day! For those who would like a two-hour reminder that love doesn’t have to be real to be the best thing that ever happened to you, and that being single is the worst curse a woman could ever suffer under, it’s a must-see.
Alongside my fictional flock of cats, I’ll be recapping tonight’s episode (thereby winning the Sadness Award at the Day-After Grammys!), which takes the remaining six women and Brad to Anguilla where they will do a topless photo shoot (!), jump off a yacht into crystal clear water (!!) and generally revel in their blossoming emotions until all of us at home are so overcome with cynicism and resentment that our tears actually mix with our barf.
If you plan on joining me (NO SHAME!), please consider playing this special Valentine’s edition of The Bachelor Drinking & Other Activities Game that Carla and I made up. Own your cliched, Cathy-cartoon-esque loneliness. It will be fun. OK, maybe not fun. But it will be funny in a couple months when you tell your new boyfriend about it!
Take a drink of your wine straight from the bottle WHEN:
Brad or a woman describes Anguilla as “beautiful” or “amazing.”
Light a bunch of candles and arrange them around yourself in a heart-shape WHEN:
A kiss goes on for so long and is shown so close-up that you can see pores and hear the noises going on inside of mouths.
Click around on Match.com and eHarmony but don’t actually sign up because they cost money WHEN:
A woman cries.
Put on a pair of lotion gloves and socks WHEN:
The first one-on-one date begins.
Take them off WHEN:
Michelle is outraged that someone else got a rose.
Eat something with “Death by Chocolate” in the name WHEN:
Brad says “My god” or “badly.”
Eat a conversation heart WHEN:
Britt gets to say something!
Pretend one of your cats is Brad and tell him about your feelings like you’re on a one-on-one date WHEN:
Brad says something that makes you think your cat might be smarter than him.
Cry a whole lot, it’s OK, it’s healthy and normal, just let it out, sweetie IF:
You feel like it.
Buy a new pair of sexy comeback shoes online WHEN:
A woman with a perfectly lovely body and face expresses some sort of debilitating insecurity.
Celebrate your inner goddess WHEN:
You see JLo’s new Venus commercial. (And just do that every day anyway because you’re a woman and you need to shine!)
Text your terrible ex WHEN:
Compared to Michelle, he or she appears charismatic and wonderful in your memory.
Weigh yourself and vow to make the number magically go down by 20 IF:
Brad and a lady seem to go an entire date without eating.
Put on a diaper, attach a knife to a stick, pretend you’re Cupid and make your stuffed animals fall in love with each other by stabbing them with your “love arrow” IF:
Brad makes you want to stab something or you’re feeling so low that you don’t want to leave the couch to go to the bathroom anymore.
Heat up a Betty Crocker Warm Delights mini-cake WHEN:
You see the “Marry Me Monday” real-life proposal commercial.
Add a Jennifer Aniston movie to your Netflix queue EVERY TIME:
A woman says something so cheesy, obvious or redundant that she sounds like a pre-programmed talking Barbie doll.
Rip off your shirt, throw your TV out the window, beat your fists upon your chest while screaming “I AM WOMAN!” out of the broken window WHEN:
You just can’t take it anymore.
… and then read my recap to find out whatever it is that you missed. (OH GOD WHO WILL BRAD CHOOSE FOR THE HOMETOWN DATES? I NEED TO KNOOOW!)
Will you be my Valentine? Your Valentine’s gift will be that I promise to make it through the episode so you don’t have to if you don’t want to. In all seriousness: Treat yourself well tonight, whatever that means. And it probably shouldn’t mean watching The Bachelor, you know?