Adriana and Joanna’s wedding days are inching closer, and I do mean inching — we’re halfway through season 3 of The Real Housewives of Miami and the only thing they’ve accomplished is picking out fellow cast members as bridesmaids and finding venues. Oh, and Joanna had a gaudy dress designed for her just so she could show off her T&A.
Joanna and Romain continue to prove to the world that they should never have gotten married. If poor Romain had a dollar for every time his fiance/wife insulted his masculinity, he would have never had to sign that prenup to begin with.
Taking advice from their sex therapist, Joanna adds sex to the calendar. But instead of writing it in once a week, like they were also advised, she has written it in for every single day of the month. And then she has the audacity to blame Romain for not taking their therapy sessions seriously.
Lisa comes over for sushi and a few bottles of wine. First, Joanna asks her to be a bridesmaid, which she accepts, and then Lisa comes up with a solution to Romain and Joanna’s bedroom problems. She jumps on top of Joanna and gropes her in front of Romain and then yells at him that he should be turned on now. I’m having so much second-hand embarrassment even writing this so … moving on…
Later, Romain and Joanna meet with the sex therapist again. Romain opens up about having an abusive stepmother as a child, and his lack of a mother figure in his life may be a part of his intimacy problems with Joanna. He also admits to being more attracted to her when she is being more feminine, and not when she’s calling him “the woman of the relationship” or trying to boss him around in bed. I know now more about their sex life than I have ever known about any two strangers.
Have Money, Will Spend
Lea is kind enough to bring Lisa a Birkin bag that Lenny even more kindly (and unknowingly) paid $10,000 for. Ten G’s. For a purse. I’m sorry, but I’m still dealing with that. Lea also invites Lisa to come with her to Texas when she takes R.J. to visit her cousins.
For someone who supposedly has enough money to be throwing a big extravagant wedding, Adriana sending out an e-vite for her wedding is pretty tacky. Even us plebes usually spend a dime or two on paper invitations. Not to mention the fact that it’s, like, 20 pages long with directions on how to dress. Alexia and Marysol, who are both bridesmaids, decide that one of them is going to have to talk her out of torturing her guests.
Marysol tries to do just that when she, Adriana and Lauren Foster all go to the Miami Institute to get IV vitamin infusions. Um … excuse me? This is a thing? Apparently, it is because Adriana is doing it to get that “glow like you just orgasmed” kind of look for her wedding. The whole thing is quite horrifying.
Anyway, Adriana refuses to listen to Marysol about the wardrobe change because it’s her wedding and she’s going to have things the way she wants. Because she is a child.
It Isn’t a Party Until Someone Cries
It’s Alexia’s birthday, and she’s throwing a combined party for her and her husband, Herman. She meets with Lea first, where she informs her that Marysol is mad at her because she claims that Lea never reached out to Mama Elsa after she went into the hospital. Lea denies her accusations, even pulling up some receipts on her Blackberry about when she e-mailed Marysol to ask about her mom.
Anyway, Alexia warns Lea that Marysol’s going to be at the party. And of course, as soon as Marysol sees that Lea has arrived, she makes a beeline for Lea to start a fight. Lea tries to disengage and walk away. Lisa follows Lea to try and comfort her because she is visibly upset. She says in her confessional that she’s always loved Mama Elsa and she really hopes that Marysol isn’t telling her that she didn’t care about her. Lisa agrees that it’s pretty low of Marysol to use her mother’s sickness to try and make a scene to make Lea look bad at yet another social function.
Marysol comes back for round two in the elevator lobby, but Lea manages to defend herself without stooping to her level before she makes an exit. But Marysol is still bloodthirsty (and now joined by her back-up and resident pot-stirrer, Ana), so she goes after Lisa for butting her nose in where it doesn’t belong. Ana tells Lisa that she is just defending Lea for the sake of defending her and even goes so far as to call her Lea’s mouthpiece. Until now, Lisa stood on neutral ground. It looks like that’s about to change.
Next week, we finally get to see a wedding! You’re all officially e-vited to watch Adriana marry the freshly botoxed Frederic next Monday at 10pm on Bravo. And don’t forget the wardrobe change.
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(Image courtesy of Bravo)