As Adrienne and Paul hold hands on a rocky shore, Kim tries to pretend her relationships aren’t rocky. She finally arrived in Lanai! Then she went into the room next to Kyle and Mauricio and didn’t stop by to say hi! THEN she told everyone that Ken, who is retired, had to work on the day of their flight and that’s why they were late. Even though everyone knew that Kim couldn’t find her passport and rarely attends anything on time. It was just “easier” to make up a stupid lie!

And it all comes to a head at Mauricio’s birthday party. Lisa and Brandi make a funny pair, and I’m glad they like each other now, just like we like Camille now! Everyone has a seat and after Kim flounders a little bit, Mauricio brings the full table’s attention to Kim’s dishonesty. Kyle calls it bullshit, and then the sisters side-eye one another’s childishness.

The sun sets, so it’s time for Kyle to bring up Taylor’s marital problems. Kim makes a joke about it, and it doesn’t go over well. Camille isn’t sure the separation will stick, because Taylor has claimed it before, but the others seem convinced. Paul toasts Adrienne, and they had a cute moment as everyone was asking them to kiss. I like them.

Ken is massaging Kim, and it is making everyone lose their appetite. There’s enough conversation at the table for Kyle to talk about Kim to Lisa right in front of Kim’s face. She “can’t handle” Kim’s crazy. It would be hard to have such a weird sister. For whatever reason, perhaps to help out his wife, Mauricio makes a pointed toast to “the truth” and “being true.” And then Kim kept calling him Maurice, which makes me wonder if that used to be his name before he started selling real estate?

Maurice/io asks Kim to “fess up” and she launches into a volatile defense. I’m kind of with Kim on this one, that what matters now is that they are there. The details of Kim finding or not finding her driver’s license are irrelevant. But the next day, Kim and Ken were 20+ minutes late to get on the shuttle to wherever their excursion was. Kyle goes to find them with Lisa, and they climb over to their balcony. Hi-jinks!

Kim’s hand showed at the door, apparently unaware of the bus waiting for them. They couldn’t hear the alarm clock and it didn’t go off when they set it and they couldn’t find the bottoms of Kim’s swimsuit and whatever. Do you think maybe they were doing drugs together? Like, they broke up and then Kim went to rehab … I don’t know, just thinking out loud.

So they don’t wait any longer for Kim. The group, minus Kim and Ken, board the catamaran. Kim threw everything into a giant gold bag and hopped in a car. Kim and Ken get out of the car just as the catamaran sets sail. I would say there weren’t enough flotation devices for them anyway, but then I’d have to make a tired joke about Camille’s boobs.

There was this snorkeling sequence that went on for SO long. I don’t even … Meanwhile, Kim and Ken decided that they hate everyone and who needs them.

Taylor and Dana meet because the Hawaii Rapture left them behind. Dana told Taylor all the cliches she needed to hear. I do feel bad for Taylor, who has finally acknowledged that she is a mess. Taylor says it’s hard that her friends aren’t standing up for her, which I’m not entirely sure is accurate. But OK.

Kim and Ken meet up with the group at the Four Seasons Lodge. Adrienne and Paul asked Kim how it was going with Ken, and she was telling them lots of nice things. Then something really effing weird happened. Ken came up behind them and Kim said, “oh we were just talking about you!”

And Ken said, “I’m not a fan of it. I’m not a fan of whatever’s going on. Why are you talking about me?” and then he was talking about bad vibes and man, it made everyone REALLY uncomfortable. Yikes!

Another toast to Mauricio, and then the interrogation of Kim continued. What did they do? They didn’t do anything, just had an “amazing lunch” and sat and looked at the pool. Kim tells Kyle that “everything happens for a reason,” but that’s not really taking responsibility for any of her actions. According to Kim, Kyle needs to stop stirring all the eggs and crawling up a tree. You tell ’em, Kim!

Kim and Kyle were going at it for a bit, then Ken stopped it with, “we don’t care.” Ugh, what a terrible time. Kim decided it was time to leave, and Kyle was just OVER IT. They left, Kyle got emotional, and her friends all consoled her. Why does Kim have to make Kyle the bad guy when all she wants to do is make Mauricio’s birthday dinner about her?
So Kim might have a serious issue. But next week it is going DOWN back in Beverly Hills, girl! Some real stuff is happening! Not like all this non-talk this week.

(images courtesy of Bravo)

Carla Patton

Writer, BuddyTV

Originally from Seattle, Carla recently took a husband and moved to Austin, Texas, where she is finally using her television “problem” to her advantage. It’s sort of like Dexter, but boring and less murdering. Carla’s favorite shows include 30 RockThe Amazing RaceProject RunwayModern Family, anything with murder, and pretty much anything gross and weird (CSIThe BachelorToddlers & Tiaras, etc.). Favorite canceled shows include: Arrested DevelopmentVeronica Mars and Average Joe. In her spare time, Carla leads tours of downtown Austin on a Segway (don’t knock it ’til you’ve tried it!), blogs about Netflix Instant, and visits elementary schools telling children they don’t need math to succeed (just kidding, stay in school, kids).