Everyone’s talking about this week’s Bachelor premiere. Well, the handful of us who watched it, anyway. Two hours with that fiery mop-top Ben Flajnik and his gaggle of self-possessed, enchanting suitresses just wasn’t enough to contain and answer all our burning questions about the beautiful love story that we all began together on Monday night. Too many feelings to explore! Too many first impressions to ponder! Too many first-night rejects named Amber who enjoy eating fried bovine testicles to ask about the pointless drunken evening she spent with a group of strangers several months ago!
Luckily, if there is one thing that everyone on The Bachelor loves more than themselves, it’s to talk. About themselves. So let’s take a look at what Ben, Chris Harrison and ABC’s extra-special dumpee of the week, Amber, have been saying this week about love, loss and that wondrous lunatic named Jenna:
In an interview with Zap2It, Ben says that he “pegged the wrong people as the ones causing the drama that night,” and that he “chuckled a bit more” while watching the premiere than he thought he would, because there was so much he didn’t see. I guess that sort of explains why he gave roses to Monica and Blakeley. But what about that human Chernobyl, Jenna? Ben didn’t miss that meltdown. An astronaut in the space station could have looked down and correctly “pegged” her as the night’s biggest drama-starter. Guess that’s why the producers told him to keep her around.
Speaking of Jenna: Amber Tierney, the down-home nurse who did not receive a rose from Ben on the first night and will never be able to bring him home to taste her fried cow balls, understandably had very few solid memories or opinions about her time on The Bachelor in her conference call with the media this morning. Because her time on The Bachelor could be counted, in hours, on both hands. But she did accurately describe Jenna as “pretty fragile,” a “hot mess,” “emotionally unstable” and drunk. Good pegging, Amber! Way better pegging than Ben.
Here’s a little interview that Ben did with the AP. It’s probably so short because, judging by his outfit, he was late for a Shakespeare impersonators convention. The highlight comes around 1:25, when Ben, with zero sparkle of romance and more than a hint of resentment and annoyance, basically compares his role on the first night to running a marathon: “You have to take it serious. I mean, you signed up for it. You have to take it serious. Lots of rest is the important thing.” Oh, and he also calls his chats with Chris Harrison “delibs.” DELIBS! That’s a very bro-y way to describe a fireside “feelings talk” between two adult men.
Speaking of “taking it serious[ly]”, Ben recently explained his winery name change, from Evolve to Envolve, to Wine Enthusiast: “We wanted to separate ourselves from “The Bachelorette,” and make sure people take us seriously,” Ben said. “We added an “n” because of our commitment to nature.” So let me get this straight, Ben: You go on The Bachelorette and get all this free publicity for your winery, then change the name because you don’t want to be associated with The Bachelorette, then go on The Bachelor and turn the show into a longform infomercial for your winery and its new name, thereby linking yourself and your wine to the show even more? Sure. Makes total sense. At least you’re committed to nature, if not a woman.
In the first of his weekly “delibs” with TV Guide, Chris Harrison says that the producers just “got lucky” with all the lady-psychos who showed up to the Bachelor mansion this year. Like Jenna, whom Chris thought would be a “frontrunner” until the pressure cooker that is his TV show “got the best of her.” In case you missed that, Chris is actually admitting that they love it when people suffer. I mean, of course they do, but he’s admitting it. He might as well have said “Jenna cracked like an Easter egg full of human sorrow, and we all high-fived and ate it up like candy.” I also love the way he describes Ben (as a naked exhibitionist): “There is nothing shy about Ben. You want to drop trou and jump in the ocean? Sure, you bet I do. He’s an anything goes guy, and at the same time he was really open to doing everything.”
Last and opposite-of-least, do yourself a favor and check out this glorious Bachelorette Ashley Hebert retrospective courtesy of last night’s episode of The Soup. This show may never produce a successful marriage again, but it’s still a gift that keeps on giving.
The Bachelor comes back for episode 2 on Monday at 8pm on ABC. Until then, delib it out in the comments: Who are you pegging as the best girl for Ben so far?
(Image courtesy of ABC)