Last we saw our precious botoxed housewives from Beverly Hills, Brandi was getting almost too drunk to function and picking on Joyce for no good reason. Oh yeah, and the Canadian Tenors performed at Yolanda’s house. They reached out and touched poor Kim’s tortured soul.

American (and British) Hustlers

On this week’s episode of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Carlton and her husband, David, visit Hustler Hollywood for some sexy bedroom gear. And Carlton’s mother-in-law joins the two of them, which isn’t weird at all. She helps her pick out some sexy lingerie. To her credit, Mama-in-law keeps up with Carlton’s raunchy persona, though she thinks Carlton’s American flag bikini is “too revealing.”

Yolanda calls Brandi with a “911” situation of zits on her face for the night of her seven year anniversary with David. Brandi tells Yolanda to ice her huge zit and then put a drop of Visine on it to reduce the redness before she puts makeup on it.

Ken and Lisa are charmingly carrying on in their garden, clipping pink roses. Lisa is worried about Brandi’s drinking situation. She says she might be coming off as a nag even though she has her best interest at heart. She wants to try and get everyone to dinner, especially so Brandi and Joyce can sort out their differences. Yeah, that will be the day. Brandi’s got an unholy irrational hatred for Jacqueline Joyce, and unless Joyce gets fat and ugly overnight, I don’t think that will be going away any time soon.

Sexy Size Zero

If you’re wondering how Kim is doing now that Kingsley is away at Doggie Camp (who isn’t?), don’t worry, the trainer sent her a DVD with him and Kingsley running through the field with other dogs. He is a free man now. In related news, I can’t believe that this is Kim’s storyline for the season.

Yolanda meets David at a charming restaurant patio on the ocean, which they seem to have to themselves. He reads her a sweet handwritten love letter. That David Foster certainly has got the moves. And she gives him a “For Your Eyes Only” sexy photo book, and I’m fairly certain she didn’t show it to her mother-in-law a la Carlton.

Kyle and her daughters are trying on clothes at her store for her “fashion show,” which is more of a “fashion presentation.” Joyce, Yvette (the Queen of the Universe), Brandi and her friend Jen join them. Brandi is immediately peeved that Joyce introduced herself to Jen in Spanish, because they both speak Spanish.

Kyle starts turning a shade of green when none of her clothes fit Joyce and Brandi because they are too small. Then she calls herself “plus size” because she is size four. And I’m sure no matter where you’re reading this from, you saw my massive eye roll from all the way here in Chicago.

And much to Brandi’s irritation, Joyce is really enjoying the attentions. She says “You can never be too thin, too rich or too sexy” in English so Brandi understands.

The Fast Lane

Kim goes to a race track with her son Chad and daughter Brooke. She’s learned from her dog trainer that she needs to be the alpha, so she translates that to riding in fast cars, not even driving them. Not that anyone should ever let Kim Richards drive a car over 35.

Carlton is still working on her sex room. But right now, there is only a sparkle curtain against one wall. She’s curtailed her crazy sex life since having kids. But don’t worry, the room and the stage are going to be big enough for her and all of her friends to dance. And also probably her mother-in-law. My good lord, this woman is freaky.

Lisa is having a party at SUR and she tells her friend Martin that they’re trying to bridge the gap with Joyce, and she wants Martin and Mohamed there because they are friends with Joyce.

Lisa tells Brandi that Joyce is coming tonight, and of course Brandi is not looking forward to seeing her. She’s not in a great mood lately because her dog is still missing. Maybe she’ll do us all a favor and get drunk and messy again. Everyone loves when the circus comes to town.

Brandi vents to Martin before Joyce arrives, telling him how much she irritates her with her one-upping and her pageant answers. I’m not even prone to like Joyce, but Brandi is being so nasty to her that it’s hard not to feel bad for her. And Joyce is keen to completely ignore Brandi and, of course, it also offends Brandi when Joyce does not say hello.

A Fresh Start

Well, Lisa’s aspirations for a “fresh start” between Brandi and Joyce quickly prove to be futile. Mohamed asks Joyce and Michael how things are going in this new group of ladies. Joyce says all of the ladies are beautiful but haven’t been so easy to get along with.

Brandi gets the hint that Michael and Joyce are talking about her. She tells Joyce that they have mutual friends and that they don’t speak very highly of her. Then they start arguing about what Brandi told Joyce over the phone about Lisa being calculating before the cameras started rolling. And surprise, they both recall the conversation differently. Brandi says she told Joyce that Lisa is sensitive, but Joyce said that Brandi called Lisa very calculating. And Brandi’s intelligent response is to call Joyce stupid.

At this point, Michael steps in, telling Brandi not to call his wife stupid. Joyce says that Brandi is the stupid one because she’s a racist. Brandi, who is already slurring, says she’s not a racist because she has a black best friend and a Latina best friend who she brought to the fitting today. Joyce asks Brandi if the only reason she brought those two friends was to prove that she’s not racist. Ooooh, I like me some shady Joyce.

Lisa jumps in quite a few times to defend Brandi and she asks Joyce to stop the fighting, which is bull because Brandi is so obviously the problem here. Joyce is steamed at Lisa for inviting her to this dinner only to let her be attacked by drunken Barbie. Lisa admits that she doesn’t want to chastise Brandi, even though she thinks she’s being inappropriate, because she’s not her mother and Brandi has been resenting her for it lately.

Yolanda tries to shut things down by telling them all just to let it go. But neither Michael nor Joyce is letting her tell them what to do, because Joyce still has more to say. She tells Brandi that her behavior is rude and inexcusable. But Brandi’s to the point where her only capable responses are “Eff you” and “Eff off.” When Michael tells her he can’t even believe they live on the same planet, she tells him to just go back where he’s from, which is also insensitive given his foreign accent.

Well, when it comes to getting drunk and acting crazy, Brandi never disappoints.

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs Mondays at 8pm on Bravo.

(Image courtesy of Bravo)

Gina Pusateri

Contributing Writer, BuddyTV