Yikes. I don’t know about you, but I’m still recovering from one of the worst weekend getaways in Real Housewives history, where Brandi managed to tick off everyone, except maybe Yolanda.

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Friends Supporting Friends

On this week’s Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Yolanda is getting ready for her Canadian Tenor dinner party. She stops by the florist to tell them that the Canadian Tenors should serve as an inspiration to the flowers. Which somehow translates into light pink peonies and hydrangeas and roses. And Yolanda doesn’t want to brag, but she’s going to drop over a thousand dollars on flowers for this dinner party. But don’t worry, she only splurges on flowers, not bags and shoes like other superficial ladies in Beverly Hills.

Joyce and her husband, Michael, go out to dinner. She brags about how much she loves “her baby” and how much she hates all of the other women. Yet she talks her husband into going to Yolanda’s dinner party because she wants to be supportive of Yolanda, who has been sick for so long and they all want to celebrate that she’s finally better.

The Richards family shows up to help Brandi hang posters to find her dog Chica, which is actually surprisingly nice for Kyle, especially considering her (recent) past with Brandi. I wonder if she would have been there to help if the cameras weren’t rolling. Brandi is worried that the dog has been eaten by coyotes, so she’s going through the mourning process even though she’s not admitting out loud to her or her kids that the dog is really gone for good.

Sexy Time

Carlton is building a “playroom” for her and her husband because apparently she doesn’t have a room in her house where she can lock the door and have complete privacy with her man. It’s going to be a burlesque room with a mirrored wall, a stage and, of course, lots of sex toys. Including a mask with a gag. (Is anyone else reminded of American Horror Story? Oh my.) 

Lisa is “helping” with the construction on her little gay oasis/garden/bar. She may not be doing much on the site, but she looks good doing it with her pink hard hat. Well, she is telling her landscapers to remove trees that they’ve just planted, so that’s something, I guess.

While everyone else is either getting sexy or working, Kim’s storyline revolves around her pit bull, Kingsley. Seeing Brandi’s situation with her dog has made Kim want to take Kingsley’s training a bit more serious. Kim is sending him away for more training with other dogs to fix some of the co-dependency. Kim admits that the dog has been a big part of her growth after rehab and she’s having a hard time letting him go away to doggie camp.

Ain’t No Party Like a Malibu Party

It’s the day of the party and Yolanda is busy slaving away in the kitchen. Kidding! She’s puttering around the kitchen in a bathrobe and with curlers in her hair while dolling out orders to her caterers.

Meanwhile, the Tenors are rehearsing with David Foster around the piano. Yolanda says that she never throws the same party twice, but every party always ends up around her husband and the piano.

Brandi takes a limo with Kyle to the party. She’s already pissy because someone in the HOA took all of her signs down. She and Kyle commiserate over how much they hate all of the human race, but neither of them acknowledge the fact that they, too, are the worst.

Brandi also wants to get drunk in the limo so Lisa doesn’t supervise her drinking at the party. And for the record, Brandi is wearing the shortest dress I have literally ever seen on a woman over 40. But, wow, is she rockin’ it. Kyle must have been thinking the same thing since she asks Brandi if she would like to model some of her clothes at a charity event, and Brandi agrees. Look at these two, becoming BFFs.

Carlton calls Yolanda minutes before the beginning of the party to cancel. She says she’s a bit sick and doesn’t want to risk Yolanda getting sick too in her weak disposition. Yolanda and David sneer a bit at her rudeness and then wake Yolanda’s daughter Gigi to come sit in Carlton’s place.

Everyone arrives at the Fosters. Joyce arrives and compliments Gigi on all of her pictures she’s seen in the magazines and billboards. Brandi nastily whispers in Gigi’s ear that Joyce is jealous of her because she’s younger and prettier, which Joyce has given no indication that that’s the way she feels.

When they’re seated, Kyle points out that some people don’t have hearts on their place cards and some do. Yolanda at first claims that the hearts on the name tags were arbitrary. Then she admits that those who got hearts — Carlton, Lisa and Brandi — are on Yolanda’s “Dream Team.” But Joyce and Kyle manage to fake-smile through their non-amusement.

Sweet Baby of Mine

Mauricio and Michael complain about how non-adventurous their hot wives are now that they’re actually married. Lisa gives Brandi a warning — “Behave yourself” — when she sees Brandi’s eyes begin to glaze over with white wine.

David makes a toast to their guests, and then Yolanda makes a toast to her husband for supporting her in her time of illness. Then David tosses the toast to Joyce, who gives a lovely toast in Spanish. Brandi teases Joyce for only getting second place in Miss Universe.

Joyce keeps referring to her husband as “her baby,” which admittedly is quite annoying. Brandi asks Michael if he’s a “baby or a man.” He says he’s a man to everyone else, but Joyce’s baby, which manages to shut Brandi up for a hot second. Joyce thinks the reason Brandi is so nasty is that she is jealous that she doesn’t “have her own baby.”

Gigi talks about her secret language she has with her sister and it’s cute. Kyle butts in and says that she and Kim have their own secret language, too, and it’s thirsty and obnoxious.

The Tenors perform after dinner and bring all of the difficult adults together in a moment of operatic and piano bliss. Even Brandi, who usually listens to gangster rap, is impressed.

When Joyce and Michael leave, they talk about what gracious hosts David and (maybe) Yolanda were. They also talk about how drunk Brandi was and how ugly it is when pretty people get wasted. Michael suggests doing an intervention, but Joyce says she’ll leave it to the Dream Team to intervene.

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs Mondays at 8pm on Bravo.

(Image courtesy of Bravo)

Gina Pusateri

Contributing Writer, BuddyTV