Phaedra and Kim meet post-baby shower to re-hash how everyone “was on their best behavior,” excluding Apollo and Peter, of course. Phaedra apologizes on Apollo’s behalf, and she came bearing gifts. Cynthia, on the other hand, hasn’t said anything to Kim and didn’t bring a gift ever. Kim says Peter is entirely too old to be yelling at a baby shower, which begs the question, how old is too old to yell at a baby shower?

Cynthia’s got her own problems to deal with, though, namely that her sister and Peter don’t like each other. She brings them together to have a conversation, and it goes awkwardly. Peter is upset that Malorie thought about hiding the marriage certificate from them on their wedding day to prevent the marriage, and Malorie doesn’t like Peter because he’s kind of a dick. They start yelling at each other, and Cynthia returns to intervene. Peter leaves to cool off and Malorie cries.

Kandi, Phaedra, and their boo-tays, meet with an event planner to look at space for Kandi’s 35th birthday party. Sheree agrees to stay away from NeNe, and Phaedra volunteers to leave good-times-Apollo at home. Phaedra is planning a gift, and she says it’s “something someone should see at least once in their lifetime,” so it’s a stripper, I bet.

Kandi, NeNe, and Derek J meet to go shoe shopping. They talk about the party and Kim. NeNe doesn’t want to sit by Sheree at the party, and Derek J suggests they should rekindle their friendship. NeNe is more fun as a friend than an enemy.

Kim meets with Lisa, a nurse, to talk about “what to do with a penis.” They figured it out. We could go into detail but … it’s not necessary, is it?

Cynthia and NeNe meet, Cynthia is looking all 60’s and cute. Peter is on the phone with the investor for Bar One, whose check bounced. NeNe shares with Peter and Cynthia that she and Gregg had sex. We could go into detail but … it’s not necessary, is it? They changed the subject to Peter’s beef with Cynthia’s sister.

Chateau Sheree is not going quickly enough for Sheree’s liking. Sheree likes having a lawyer friend, who can make houses go up faster. Also, Donkey Booties!

Cynthia, looking even more 60’s, and now a bit crazy, meets her family at her modeling agency. Malorie still doesn’t want to apologize, so she and Cynthia go at it a bit, then they didn’t put a chair together.

After her celibacy kick, Kandi is ready to find herself a man to marry and have babies with. If she doesn’t find someone by 37, though, she may go to a sperm bank. To the party! Sheree and Phaedra applaud themselves for not starting sh*t with NeNe. But Kandi’s is a party divided. And Kandi does not like being in the middle, but has no problem playing both sides!

Phaedra sits Kandi down for the gift, and Kandi has Mama Joyce sit down next to her. A mistake. The gift is, of course, Ridickulous, a stripper with a huge, acrobatic penis. He swung it around and Kandi’s mom got up and left.

“Mama don’t want to see that,” Joyce said. Everyone was TERRIFIED. And then he put his penis in Kandi’s drink, and well … he made sure to ingest what he got from the glass. Jesus Christ.

“I don’t like no damn strippers, I ain’t never liked no damn strippers,” a disgusted Joyce says. And NeNe noted that a stripper should not jump out of a box and suck his own penis in front of guests who are dressed in designer clothing. NeNe, Cynthia, and Peter left, but Joyce stuck around for a mother-daughter smackdown.

“That’s some BULLSH*T!” Kandi’s mother tells her. She throws down with Kandi, making everyone uncomfortable at the party, “I mean that wasn’t cool at all!” It is pretty disrespectful, ahem, Phaedra. Joyce left, telling Kandi not to call her. Happy 35th, Kandi!

Carla Patton

Writer, BuddyTV

Originally from Seattle, Carla recently took a husband and moved to Austin, Texas, where she is finally using her television “problem” to her advantage. It’s sort of like Dexter, but boring and less murdering. Carla’s favorite shows include 30 RockThe Amazing RaceProject RunwayModern Family, anything with murder, and pretty much anything gross and weird (CSIThe BachelorToddlers & Tiaras, etc.). Favorite canceled shows include: Arrested DevelopmentVeronica Mars and Average Joe. In her spare time, Carla leads tours of downtown Austin on a Segway (don’t knock it ’til you’ve tried it!), blogs about Netflix Instant, and visits elementary schools telling children they don’t need math to succeed (just kidding, stay in school, kids).