“Kandi Koated Nights” is back! This time all the Housewives (minus Phaedra) are on and they’re filming in Kandi’s store, Tags. They are asked to give their “freak number” on a scale of one to ten, but the conversation derailed and got onto pee. Pee! And in case you were wondering, Kim is okay with anal. I have to go curl up and die now.

Then Kandi brought out “Mr. Luscious” and I was resurrected and died again. I need a shower, to get clean, not a cold one. Let’s all go boil our clothes.

Cynthia meets with the wedding planner who did Toni Braxton’s wedding, as well as Tyler Perry’s. Cynthia defers to her stylist, Kai. Kai is a weirdo, but Cynthia will do whatever he says. Just when we thought we’d seen all the weirdos Atlanta had to offer. They decide to keep the budget right around a million dollars. Preposterous!

NeNe’s marriage is falling apart, as Gregg has cut off all communication. NeNe goes to see an attorney about filing for divorce. She’s hoping to give Gregg a wakeup call, so we’ll see how this goes.

Meanwhile, on the blonde side of town, Kim’s daughter Brielle, who is 13, is in the market for an abstinence ring. Well, an abstinence-until-18 ring. Fortunately, Kim’s jeweler has just the selection. I didn’t know that every girl who decides not to screw until college gets a $3,000 diamond ring. Well, not every girl, but any girl?

Kandi meets with the record producers to re-work “The Ring Didn’t Mean a Thing.” They take the key down to the key of monotone talking. After dumbing it down, they decide to give the demo to Kim and if she doesn’t like it, someone else gets it. Is Mr. Luscious looking for a record deal? Why did I bring him up again? MY EYES.

Phaedra, who, if you recall, gave birth, has to deal with this strange little baby in her life now. She describes it as “chained to this baby,” and says, “mmm we’ll see how this turns out.” What is that supposed to mean? What if she decides it’s not working out?
Phaedra is back to making up her own medical rules. She has decided that Apollo has to carry her around and take care of the baby. Apparently Phaedra is not cleared to lift the baby. Is that a thing? Is that real?

Also, according to Phaedra’s Baby Facts, babies are colder than “regular people,” so they need to wear outfits crocheted by someone who has “crocheted for Oprah.” I don’t think this is working out. Keeping with the Greek-myth-sounding names, the baby’s name is Ayden Adonis. Apollo will call him Adonis, Phaedra will call him Ayden. I can’t believe I just wrote that.

Kim is going to be a good mom for her new baby. She tells Ariana, who is nine, not to worry about her weight because she’s a kid. NeNe comes over to support the abstinence ring and re-hash Kandi Koated Nights with Kim. They agree it was awkward. Kim admits that she wouldn’t mind having another baby (HMMM!), but NeNe can’t even think about it. Kim is ready to date people who are not Big Poppa. We know, girl!

Kim and Kandi get together with their parents for dinner. Kim has Kandi listen to Gregg on a radio show on her iPad. Gregg went on the radio and said they were “working toward” a divorce. Then he said some pretty mean things about her. All over the radio. He talked about “investing” $300,000 in NeNe? Kim and Kandi talked about it, Lawrence and Sheree talked about it. Did he know it was being recorded? Shady, shady, shady.

Kim listens to the new “Ring Didn’t Mean a Thing” in the car and it looks like she likes it a lot more. It’s just … easier. She loves it, claiming to never have doubted Kandi. I’m excited because this means Kim will be back in the studio!

Remember “Dr.” Tiy-E? He’s still sketchy. Lawrence and Sheree decide he’s out, but first Sheree needs to cuss him out. And she needs to do it in some acid-wash jeggings. It was a strange, vague conversation. He’s a creep; drop him Sheree! It’s over! Right around when he said, “sometimes women need to shut up and let a man talk.” And way before he accused her of being a man. Seeya, Dr. D-bag!

On NeNe’s first day of work, she discovers an article about herself on the internet. What a nightmare! Just minutes into her first day, NeNe’s boss tells her that bad gossip about her is grounds for firing. That sucks. It’s time for another throw-down!

Gregg insists that it was not an interview (ahh, entrapment). Still, that whole “investment” thing was pretty bad. Gregg is out of his league arguing with NeNe. It just sucks for everyone. NeNe unleashes on Gregg, and he accepts it. As he walks away, NeNe follows him to put the final nail in the coffin. It’s over … I think?

Good news! Next week Kim is getting singing lessons and Phaedra’s doing ANOTHER photo shoot! Creepy good times!

Check out which men are causing the biggest stir in this episode!

(image courtesy of Bravo)

Carla Patton

Writer, BuddyTV

Originally from Seattle, Carla recently took a husband and moved to Austin, Texas, where she is finally using her television “problem” to her advantage. It’s sort of like Dexter, but boring and less murdering. Carla’s favorite shows include 30 RockThe Amazing RaceProject RunwayModern Family, anything with murder, and pretty much anything gross and weird (CSIThe BachelorToddlers & Tiaras, etc.). Favorite canceled shows include: Arrested DevelopmentVeronica Mars and Average Joe. In her spare time, Carla leads tours of downtown Austin on a Segway (don’t knock it ’til you’ve tried it!), blogs about Netflix Instant, and visits elementary schools telling children they don’t need math to succeed (just kidding, stay in school, kids).