Donald Trump is doing another season of The Celebrity Apprentice simply because he wants all those “dollars out there” to go to the people that need it: charities. Right. This season looks like it’ll be ridiculous. The men’s team consists of Herschel Walker, Andrew Dice Clay, Brian McKnight, Tom Green, Dennis Rodman, Clint Black, Scott Hamilton, Jesse James. The women’s team has Annie Duke, Natalie Gulbis, Melissa Rivers, Brande Roderick, Khloe Kardashian, T-Boz, Claudia Jordan, and Joan Rivers. They’re all playing for their respective charities.
The season begins when Donald Trump’s helicopter lands on the USS Intrepid. Last season the charity that won was the Intrepid Fallen Heroes Fund. He introduces each of the contestants, informs them that they’ll be split into two teams: the men vs. the women, and then sends him on their way to Trump Tower.
The women discuss who will be project manager first. Joan Rivers volunteers because she’s the only one in there without a “tampon in her pocketbook.” They decide on a team name: Athena because she’s the goddess of war.
The men are just complaining that there’s no food in their loft. Specifically, Andrew Dice Clay is upset there’s no coffee or bagels. Scott Hamilton offers to be the secretary, which is probably not a good first move. The men point to Herschel Walker for the project manager and Dennis Rodman is not happy about it. They pick KOTU as their team name, which stands for “Kings of the Universe.”
In the boardroom, Donald Trump asks the men who their project manger is and Herschel explains he wanted “the ball.” The women all point to Joan as soon as Trump looks towards them. He explains they will be selling cupcakes for their first challenge.
The men start to fall apart when they announce their team name. Jesse and Dennis admit they hated the name. The women seem much more put together when they announce Team Athena. Donald Trump tells the men he notices unrest and Andrew Dice Clay blames Donald Trump for not providing coffee and bagels. The room goes silent. After a while, Donald Trump chooses to ignore him and tells them that Don will be going with the woman and Ivanka will be going with the men. He tells them that Ivanka “knows men,” which sort of implies she’s a slut. That’s weird.
In the planning stage, the men decide that Andrew Dice Clay can stand out and draw big groups of people. I’m not convinced this is good plan.
The women get into a bit of an argument. Joan thinks they should go to Penn Station but Annie thinks it’d be a bad idea because they did it last season and it didn’t work. Brande Roderick offers up the playboy building and the women are in agreement. Annie claims she can bring in $15,000 herself. Most of the women are annoyed with Annie, especially Khloe Kardashian, who claims they are all adults (hehe). The men decide to pimp out their cupcake truck. Or rather, have Jesse James pimp out their truck.
The men call up any and all contacts they have on the way to the Institute of Culinary Education. Tom Green gets Donnie Deutch. I have no idea who that is, but evidently he has money. When they get there, Andrew Dice Clay starts complaining about the aprons. Jesse James starts taking photos for the truck and the men are on their way.
The women arrive at the institute and Natalie, Khloe, Annie, and T-Boz go to make the cupcakes. Joan, Melissa, Claudia, and Brande are decorating the truck outside and making fliers. Brian McKnight and Jesse James start making “Celebrity Cupcake Star Galactica” for the men.
Andrew Dice Clay causes problems when he does absolutely nothing to help the men cook the cupcakes. He claims he’s going to Sirius Radio to do two interviews to advertise their sale. Tom Green tries to stop him but he just says, “I want to win.” Tom realizes that Clint Black and Herschel Walker are throwing Andrew Dice Clay under the bus because they can easily claim he did nothing to help the team. On the ride to the interview, Dennis Rodman gets Dice to admit that he didn’t help them with the cupcakes at all. I’m sure this will come back to bite him in the butt.
Annie brags that all the vanilla cupcakes came out perfectly just as Natalie realizes the chocolate cupcakes baked inverted. She probably put the wrong ingredient in or something. Annie calls Brande, Melissa, Joan, and Claudia to come over and help.
Jesse calls the men’s separation like camp Paris and Nicole: Dice and Dennis vs. the rest of the men. The men forgot to put the sugar into the cupcakes and they taste horrible. The assistant chef tells them they can use syrup to brush the cupcakes so that the sugar will sink into the cupcakes. Jesse tastes them and tells them they still taste horrible.
Brande tries to call out Annie for claiming she’s a good baker but Annie points out that Natalie made the chocolate cupcakes. They save the cupcakes by filling them with chocolate on top. Annie explains to Claudia how to put icing on the cupcakes and it pisses her off. Joan calls Annie a Mussolini.
Melissa and Brande decorate the truck in the morning and the rest of the women get the cupcakes ready. Jesse James does most of the truck decorating by himself for the men’s team. Melissa and Brande check out Jesse’s work and they’re instantly intimidated.
The men chose a $20 price point and are rocking it in Times Square. The women seem to be doing okay, but they are selling the cupcakes for $5.
Tom Green’s friend Tony Hawk comes down and contributes $1000. The men clearly have bigger names than the women. The naked cowboy comes down to say hi to Clint Black and draws big crowds when he stands on the roof.
On the women’s side, a Playboy bunny comes down and donates $5000 from Hugh Hefner. Joan calls Brande a smart woman lost in a gorgeous face and body. Don comes down to check out the women. Dennis Rodman was MIA during the men’s selling time. He just sat in the truck on his cell phone. Ivanka comes to check out the men and she definitely notices that Dennis Rodman was not involved at all.
Eric Benet comes down to buy cupcakes. Khloe called Kathy Lee Gifford. Annie called down her poker friends and gets big chunks of cash from the poker posse.
Trump calls Hershel and Joan to tell the teams they need to take their best cupcake to Crumb’s Bakery. Whichever cupcake is best will win the team an additional $15,000. Melissa takes one of the chocolate ones that baked inverted that they filled with chocolate. Dice picks an arbitrary cupcake to take down to Crumb’s. The owners of Crumb’s taste the women’s first and then the men’s. Dice is confident that his cupcake takes the cake but the owners will inform Donald Trump later.
When Melissa returns, Annie tells her she made the wrong decision because the chefs told her the vanillas tasted best. Brande’s friends come by to buy cupcakes and Annie refuses to give her a tray of cupcakes. When Brande takes a tray for $9,000 and Annie finally hands over a box. Annie’s really angry about it and Brande calls her out for being unprofessional to her clients.
The men’s truck is still hoping and all guys’ friends are coming by with big checks. Donny Deutch gets there with two minutes remaining, and gives a check for $10,000 for one cupcake. Tom Green came through at the last minute.
In the boardroom, Donald asks the project managers about their teams. Joan calls Brande Roderick the star of her team. Claudia calls Annie the weakest member because she overstepped her bounds. She brings up the frosting of the cupcakes but Annie isn’t apologetic at all. Hershel wouldn’t call anyone the weakest link but Andrew Dice Clay speaks up and tells Donald Trump he isn’t a “worker” and then instantly breaks into impressions of John Travolta. The women won the taste test for an additional $15,000. The men raised $49,409. The women raised $61,257 worth of cupcakes. $126,000 total goes to Joan’s charity: God’s Love We Deliver. The women are excused and go back up to their suite to drink champagne and watch the men’s boardroom on their television.
Donald Trump asks Herschel Walker what happened and he has no idea. He then asks Tom Green what happened and when he’s tongue tied, Andrew Dice Clay calls him uptight. Tom Green notes that he brought in $16,000. Hershel claims he brought in more. Jesse claims they lost a lot of money because Dennis wasn’t out on the street and that their cupcakes were disgusting. Andrew Dice Clay starts to talk about his “celebrity.” Jesse calls Dennis the weakest link. Dennis claims that it wasn’t his fault at all especially because he wasn’t the project manager and Hershel didn’t delegate. Brian McKnight stands up for Hershel. Clint Black tells Trump he would fire Andrew Dice Clay because he was the team member who required the most pushing. Dice pushes back and claims he has to do things his way and his way only. He starts to sound like he’s going to quit and Donald Trump calls him out instantly.
Andrew Dice Clay claims he would fire Scott Hamilton because he brought nothing special. Scott says he’d fire Dennis and Andrew. Brian McKnight says he’d fire Andrew. Jesse said he’d fire Dennis. Tom Green says he’d fire Hershel Walker. Donald tells Herschel that he has to pick two people to go back to the boardroom. Dennis interrupts and says he’s “always the victim” because Herschel will pick the obvious and he does: he picks Andrew Dice Clay and Dennis Rodman. The rest of the men are excused to the suite.
While waiting for the boardroom, Andrew Dice Clay starts to hit on Donald Trump’s receptionist. Don and Ivanka tell Donald that they can’t blame Hershel because he raised the most money. Dennis Rodman tells them he’d fire Hershel because they should have been better prepared. Andrew Dice Clay says he’d fire Herschel for the same reasons. Dice and Herschel get into a huge argument about whether or not Dice contributed at all. Dice asks Herschel when that last time he’s played ball, which is rather offensive. Donald Trump fires Andrew Dice Clay because he didn’t fight to stay as much as Dennis Rodman and Herschel Walker did. Thus concludes the season premiere of The Celebrity Apprentice 2.