When I sat down to write this, I was going to go all out in some commentary on the goings-on in last night’s episode of The Bachelorette, in which Ed opted out of the competition, and more suspicious noses seemed committed to sniffing out Wes’s snakey trail, but I think all my juice on these matters have been fully transcribed in the recap, if you care to read them.
And if you, like me, care enough about The Bachelorette to go around reading spoiler blogs and analyzing screencaps (I’m sorry), you know these matters are sort of irrelevant because (SPOILERS, kind of):
Wes is not going to win. (Jillian’s basically said as much herself.)
Ed is going to come back. (Hello! Magazine showed us as much.)
If you have no idea where I’m getting these notions from, and you’re dying to know, click through on those links above. Or… just think about it. How does a great dramatic tale work? The villain (Wes) is always vanquished in the last act, not the middle of the play! And he certainly doesn’t get the princess. And what of the guy who had to abandon the princess for a “noble” mission, but who kept a token of her love (a rose, maybe?) on his journey? It’s called foreshadowing, ladies. Ed is now poised to either crawl back to Jillian only to have her reject him for his disloyalty… or to have her forgive him for leaving and declare that his time away made her realize he was the man for her. Either way, high drama. And it really is, like Chris Harrison has been prepping us, unlike anything we’ve seen before on The Bachelor(ette).
And, speaking of “unlike anything we’ve seen before,” the preview for next week’s episode (Week 6) features some of the best editing we’ve seen yet from the Bachelorette folks. Here it is, cut by cut:
Chris Harrison voiceover: And later this season…
[Jilliand and Michael kissing]Jillian voiceover: I have a lot on my mind, and now overnight dates start happening.
[Jillian and Wes walking inside]
Wes voiceover: I want to spend the night in the fantasy suite.
[Jesse kissing Jillian][Reid and Jillian in bathrobes]
Reid voiceover: Obviously I would love to spend the night there and wake up with her in the morning.
Announcer voiceover: It’s every guy’s worst nightmare.
[Bathrobed gentleman closing the door to a bedroom, with Jillian inside on the bed]
Jillian voiceover: My fantasy suite night was not exactly how both of us had planned.
[Cue the “OH NO” piano]
[Outside shot of bedroom light turning on]
[Mysterious man. shirtless, and Jillian, clothed, on a bed]Chris voiceover: When one of the bachelors experiences a “certain problem” in the bedroom.
[Jillian looking longingly off a balcony in a bathrobe]
Reid voiceover: I felt like I failed. My fears got in the way of the moment.
[Shot of Jillian silently weeping on a garden bench][Stock footage of romantic places]
Jillian: Why? That one person that everything was there, that I couldn’t wait to be with in this setting, the romance just… wasn’t there.
Chris to Jillian: I guess this overwhelming pressure has really affected the physical intimacy of your relationship.
[Cut to Jillian, crying]Jillian: I wish so bad that I had more time to know for sure.
Wait… what? The implication here is clear as crystal: erectile dysfunction. (Otherwise known, ironically enough, as E.D.)
And a victim is also insinuated: poor Chanandler Bong (how I miss Friends!),a.k.a. Reid.
But hold the phone, folks. Let’s check out this preview a little deeper, and use our thinking machines once more. Carefully.
First, it’s important to remember that these sound clips could come from anywhere, anytime in the season. Take, for example, the very first Bachelorette promo from the season, which showed Jillian waiting at her Final Rose Ceremony as a mysterious man voiced over, “I love you more than anything in the world.” Last night, it was revealed that those words were Michael’s, and he said them in this context: “I could totally see waking up to that girl every single morning and leaving her a note that says…” you know the rest. Doesn’t mean he’s going to get the chance to do that. The lesson here seems to be: believe half (if that) of what you see in these promos, and none of what you hear.
So it’s not only possible, but probable, that the voiceovers here are spliced from various situations, and entirely out of context. That’s just part of the teaser preview game, and it means it’s not necessarily a problem with Reid.
Without even knowing where these clips come from, we all know ABC would never openly portray or discuss such an explicit topic on a Monday night primetime show. They also have never even gotten close to disclosing what goes on during Bachelor(ette) overnight dates, because they (and we) know that implication and subtlety are what get people’s imaginations rolling, usually into scenarios even more juicy than what actually happened. This promo? Case in point.
In the same way that they know showing a closed door during an overnight date makes our imaginations jump to the extremes, ABC knows exactly where our dirty minds will take us when they talk about “every guy’s worst nightmare.” But that does not mean they’re going to take us there, too. And if you really read the voiceovers carefully, this “problem” could really be anything, from food poisoning to a panic attack. Lots of factors can kill a romance. I guarantee that if your date vomited all over your hotel suite, that might “affect the physical intimacy” of your relationship, too.
But even if ABC would allow it, and even if the “problem” is exactly the one we’re thinking of, Jillian is not the type of gal to go around spilling the intimate details about her overnights to Chris and all of America. After last season’s steamy hot tub scene with Jason, she promised that her father would not be so embarrassed again. This would be a decidedly more embarrassing moment for everyone involved.
So, while we just have to wait and see what really goes on in the coming weeks in Jillian’s romance department, don’t waste your time worrying and wondering which guy can’t get it up in the bedroom. I would put serious money on the following: as the door to Ed’s return gradually reopens (which it will, just you wait)… the doors on whatever explicit acts happen on overnight dates are going to stay firmly closed. Thank goodness–for their sakes, and for ours!
-Meghan Carlson, BuddyTV Staff Writer
Image courtesy of ABC