Everyone got their drinks, barf buckets and awkwardness shields at the ready? GREAT! It’s time for The Bachelorette: The Men Tell All, when the men Emily Maynard didn’t pick as her pre-husband gather for one final shot at being memorable.

All the names and faces we grew to know and hate are here again, including the season’s two biggest sh*theads: Ryan “I Want a Trophy Wife” Bowers and Kalon “I Want to be a Trophy Husband” McMahon. From the episode preview, it looks like they are both still deluded and stupid as ever. Hooray!

Three Blind Men

Before the men take the stage, a pre-filmed interview between Chris Harrison and Emily recaps the “most memorable moments” of the season. That is, the three most stomach-churn-inducing men of the season:

Ryan made a great first impression, but “continued to stick his foot in his mouth,” especially when he told Emily in front of her friends that she better not get fat. Emily: “In the history of stupid comments from men, that’s gotta be in the top three.” And THEN, he kept calling her a “trophy wife.” (Drink!)

But of course, no one could hold a candle to Kalon. Even though he was pompous and rude from the start (“I love it when you talk, but I wish you’d let me finish”), Emily says that she saw his true colors when he called her daughter “baggage.” She thinks he only said it out of spite because he didn’t get the group date rose that day, and he’s “used to being a big fish in a small pond.”
And then there’s Doug. He got the First Impression Rose, and then got plenty of “signals” from Emily to go in for a kiss, but waited until she was in the middle of breaking up with him to plant a kiss. Doug was a sweet if completely hapless guy, but “we were clearly not on the same page,” Emily says.

And Some
Unseen Mishaps: On her date with Joe, Emily spilled a whole glass of wine on her dress, and said “f*ck” a few times. Luckily, they later got the stain out, and Emily and her gown were able to continue their relationship — too bad (for him) that we can’t say the same about Joe. Emily helped Travis sing a lullaby to “Shelley,” which we already knew. On Arie’s hometown date, Arie’s two younger twin brothers were spying on them when they shared a passionate goodbye kiss on the lawn. Earlier, on Chris’s first one-on-one date, Chris proved that he couldn’t dance worth a damn, but “at least he tried,” and then in Bermuda, Emily taught her some of his “moves.” Apparently she does a killer running man, and even promises Chris Harrison that she’ll do it at the “After the Final Rose.” Harrison better hold her to that. And we better hope she shows up with a fiance, or that “running man” will be all too literal. And sad.

Bachelor Pad 3 Sneak Peek

Oh boy. Here we go. A brand new batch of pretty, sad people has returned to the Island of Misfit Rejects for a chance to win $250,000 or love, but most likely neither. It’s a mix of some of the most memorable (Blakeley Shea, Kalon, Erica Rose, Michael Stagliano) and completely unmemorable contestants in the history of the show, but they all have one thing in common: They are incapable of acting like adults about ANYTHING. Or, as Chris Harrison puts it: “There will be love triangles, devious betrayals, devastating heartbreak, and a special twist.” 

That twist is the presence of the unknown “super fans,” who just MAGICALLY happen to be toned, tanned and hot, and of whom the Bachelor contestants are automatically skeptical. One of the forgettable girls from Ben’s season says they better not walk in and be like “Oh my god, it’s you!” (Girl, get over yourself. The only reason they’d do that is because no one can remember your name.) Erica Rose promises to make one of super fan’s lives “a living hell,” so I guess he won’t last too long. (Actually, none of them will.) This season’s games look just as childish and disgusting as ever, including a spelling bee.

And, of course, there will be “love.” And my love, we mean “lots of making out.” Looks like Chris Bukowski will be this season’s big player, while Ed and Reid — who were in Jillian’s final three — will have a bitter rivalry.

Are you going to watch Bachelor Pad 3? For scheduling and mental health reasons, I won’t be recapping it — another brave and wonderful BuddyTV writer, Esther Gim, will, so please be kind and read along with her!

Studs in Stadium

The guys are finally here to begin telling all! Sean, the latest and greatest to get his heart broken by Emily, receives deafening screams from the ladies in the audience.

First, the men discuss the very first night with Emily. Sean says that Emily looked like a “goddess.” Travis says he was “sweating bullets.” Kalon says that even he wasn’t prepared, to which John “Wolf” says, “Coming in on a helicopter, you kind of put yourself behind the eight ball.”

Then we see a video montage of all the big “drama” between the boys. Basically, there was a high-school amount of name-calling. Starting with Chris, who was called “childish” and got into it with Doug over how he might be “too young” to be a dad. “Humble” as he was, Doug was a drama-magnet. Kalon was “pompous,” but Ryan was definitely “the cockiest person in the house.” Can’t they just share that title?

Chris Harrison asks the guys for their take on that recap. Chris B. defends himself by saying that he may have acted immature, but it’s only because he was “freaking out” over how deeply he cared for Emily. What an immature defense! And just to prove everyone else’s point that he’s childish, Chris wants to rehash the whole non-argument argument that he and Doug had about “generalizing 25-year-olds,” and even DOUG doesn’t care enough to listen to that again. Chris then goes after Ryan, saying that Ryan “offended” him with all his self-aggrandizing statements. Ryan: “Well, you were offended by a lot of things.”

Of course, it’s Kalon who comes to Ryan’s defense, saying that the men only attacked Ryan because they felt “threatened” by him. (The ol’ “haters gonna hate” defense. But what about when the haters are JUSTIFIED in their hatred?)

And that’s when the target moves to Kalon’s back instead. He claims that he “wasn’t himself,” and that is why he said so many rude things, including the infamous “baggage” statement. (This just supports my season-long theory that he is Patrick Bateman.) Stevie brags that he “called it” that Kalon “wasn’t there for the right reasons.” Yeah, Stevie it takes a real Encyclopedia Brown to see that a dude who shows up in a helicopter is a douche.

Kalon then claims that everyone disliked him because they were just jealous of his confidence. His “confidence” to show up in a stupid helicopter and be the most unlikable guy in every room until he was finally thrown out. Who wouldn’t be jealous?!

BP3kalon--1330625558466281731.jpgKalon in the Hot Seat

Oh great! Who doesn’t want to hear more from the guy with ZERO self-awareness, but a wealth of self-congratulatory excuses?!

First, we see a recap of Kalon’s biggest crimes: A) He was self-obsessed and talked down to everyone, B) He was rude to everyone, and even hushed and shooed Emily away. And, of course, C) He referred to Ricki as “baggage.”

The audience boos when Kalon takes the hot seat, and cheers, loudly, when we see the clip of Emily telling him to “get the f*ck out.” Then it’s time for Kalon to say his piece:

On when he found out that Emily was the Bachelorette: “It was a huge issue that she had a child.” But he claims that it would have said “less” about his character if he’d pulled out of the competition because of that.

On that time he shooed Emily away: “She was extremely sick and it was cold outside.” So HE claims that his “piss off” motion was meant to say “go inside and get warm.” Is this guy even human?

At this point, the men can’t contain themselves, and Joe bursts out with, “this is f*cking ridiculous, you were here for the glitz and the glamor.” Chris Harrison hushes them. It’s Kalon’s turn to dig his own hole.

On when he hushed Emily: “Of all the things that came out of my mouth, I honestly didn’t think that was the most offensive.” So what was? He thinks it was the “baggage” comment — which is true. But he doesn’t think it was offensive, only that WE are too sensitive. Kalon: “Apparently everyone in America wants everything to be sugar coated.”

Chris asks Kalon what we should expect when he’s on Bachelor Pad (more boos from the crowd), and he gives the canned response: “Expect the unexpected.” (Like this?) The unexpected would be Kalon suddenly growing a sense of shame, and I think he just proved that’s impossible.

chrisbmta2.jpgRyan in the Hot Seat

Compared to Kalon, Ryan’s crimes are your standard Bachelorette misdemeanors: He’s full of himself, he says cheesy and disingenuous things, and he’s selfish. Some moments he wanted to be The Bachelor, and other moments, he wanted Emily to be his “trophy wife.” Even when he got dumped, Ryan couldn’t bear to think that Emily rejected him for anything he said or did. And who could forget his last request? That the producers not “portray” him as an “arrogant ass.” Well, they didn’t have to. It appears that he did most of that work himself.

Back to Ryan now: He claims that he said most of those things in a different context, and claims that he’s more “confident” than arrogant.

Chris Bukowski begs to differ. He asks how Ryan felt about Emily, and Ryan says that “it was never fully about Emily. I was there to find my wife.” By this, he means that he was “testing” to see if he and Emily were right for each other. This garners a small round of applause from the audience, God knows why.

Chris Harrison asks Ryan if maybe he just IS an arrogant ass — but Ryan refuses to admit that’s a remote possibility. Chris B. claims that Ryan went around to himself, Jef and Arie saying that he’d like to make it to final two, and then lose and become the star of The Bachelor. Thankfully, Harrison lets us know that will NEVER happen.

On whether he has any regrets: It’s the comment that he made in the park about “not loving on Emily as much” if she got fat. Except that he doesn’t take it back and would say it again. Ryan doesn’t really know what “regret” means, and even Chris Harrison can’t contain his combination amusement/disgust.

Just for good measure, Ryan brings up his many “trophy wife” comments, and addresses the audience: “I’m looking for a prize.”

chrisbmta.jpgChris B. in the Hot Seat

Personally, I’ve never “gotten” Chris. From the beginning, with all his tantrums about people “offending” him and not getting group date roses, he has struck me as a childish, entitled brat. And I believe that was proven right. He was one of Emily’s frontrunners all the way until the Hometown Dates, when he left in an angry huff (“I TOLD YOU I LOVED YOU!”) after Emily eliminated him. Back to Chris now:

On getting rejected after his Hometown Date: “It hurts. It really, really, really hurt. And I was not expecting it. I was so happy, the time that I spent with Emily. I honestly believed that I could spend the rest of my life with this girl.”

On how he’s so quick to get angry: “When there’s something I really believe in, I’ll do anything in the world to fight for it.” He says that everything he says and does, it’s with intention, because we could all die at any moment. So why not spend our last moments fighting about stuff that doesn’t matter?

On Bachelor Pad:
Chris says that it was an “unbelievable experience,” and he really hopes everyone tunes in, because “it is unbelievable.” Can you believe how unbelievable Bachelor Pad sounds?!

sean-mta1.jpgSean in the Hot Seat

Finally, a decent specimen takes the hot seat. The lusty uteri in the audience squeal their approval for the “perfect” man who made it all the way to Emily’s final three, only to be cast aside after he finally told her that he loved her. Sean is forced to watch himself reflect on how much it hurts to get rejected by the woman he loves. He looks better without the sunburn.

On how he feels, watching his elimination: “That’s tough to watch. It puts me back to that night when I went home. And it’s tough to see Emily so emotional. I fell in love with that girl. I still have very strong feelings for her.”

On how he feels about Emily now: “I fell in love with this girl, and I fell in love with her for a number of reasons. She is an amazing person, and that’s not going to fade overnight. I wish it would.” Sean admits that when he thinks back on all their good times, he still misses Emily.

Sean had never experienced real heartbreak before, and he says that his mom told him that this experience will probably be “healthy” for him in the long run. And it’s already happening, because he says that Emily showed him what he’s looking for in a wife, “and hopefully she comes around sooner rather than later.”

emily-mta1.jpgEmily in the Hot Seat

Emily enters, looking even thinner, fitter and hotter than ever (if that’s possible?) in a skin-tight pink dress.

“I’m excited to see everybody,” Emily says, and singles out Sean, whom she hasn’t seen since she eliminated him in Curacao.

Emily to Sean: “I watched the episode and literally sat in my room and literally did the ugly cry. Everything I felt for you was so genuine and real for me.” Sean says that he never questioned that, and he thanks her for opening him up and showing him what he wants in life.

Chris B. to Emily: “I want to say one thing to you that I didn’t say to you before we said goodbye. You opened my eyes … I really believe in falling in love.” He finally admits that maybe there are better guys for Emily than him, and thanks her for making him believe in love again.

Emily about Doug: “I’ve never had the breakup talk and a first kiss in one conversation.” Doug: “I kind of read that whole thing wrong.” Emily laughs/apologizes for how terribly she handled that breakup kiss: “Thank you for that.” Emily says that she has one regret with Doug, and that is that she didn’t give him the London group date rose when he told her about Kalon’s “baggage” comment.

Emily about Kalon: “I was angry. And disappointed…” that she didn’t have her usual judge of character and “let someone like that slip through the cracks.”

Kalon apologizes to Emily, saying that he “wishes the best for her” and is trying to use their relationship as a “growing experience in his future relationships.”

Emily says that Kalon should be a politician, because that is the “biggest load of bullsh– she’s ever heard.” YES. She even has proof: Only days ago, he was on Twitter posting “baggage” jokes about Emily, and saying “sorry I’m not sorry.” Kalon: “I guess I don’t take social media as seriously as anybody else.” If Kalon doesn’t stop being the ultimate douche for a second I might have a STROKE.

Thank goodness that Emily stands her ground, and says that it’s very clear that he’s not really sorry, and she’s not buying it. YES, GIRL. YOU LET HIM HAVE IT! Kalon says, “I guess I’m flattered you follow me on Twitter?” and Emily gets the last, infinitely better words: “I hope that you find something bigger to have faith in than your Prada shoes and your rented helicopter.”

Emily about Ryan:
She covers her face in shame to remember how much she liked him in the beginning. What it is about him? “Ryan is obviously very good looking, and he was that guy … every girl has one … you’re a sweet talker.” Ryan: “Very purposeful.” Emily says that he dodged questions, and even though she knew what he was doing, she found herself starting to like him.

Emily to Ryan about his future “trophy wife”:
“I hope you find her as the Bachelor of Augusta.”

bloopersemily-mta1.jpgTHE BLOOPER REEL!

These just don’t have the same effect when written down, but here are some of the highlights from the blooper reel:

  • Chris Harrison and Emily joking about how she’s going to sleep with all 25 guys.
  • Doug says “I’m never going to get naked in front of the camera” and then going streaking.
  • Chris accidentally flashing everyone in his kilt.
  • Chris Harrison and the Muppets’ Waldorf joking about how they DID have a “puppet” on the show once … JAKE PAVELKA! #burn
  • And, lots of wind mishaps.

Bachelorette Finale: Arie vs. Jef

Who will Emily choose? Will there be a proposal? Will she say YES?

Sadly, tonight we will get NO footage of Sunday’s two-hour Bachelorette finale. Instead, we take another long look back at where we’ve been. Arie vs. Jef. Jef vs. Arie. Again, and again, and again, and again.

Arie has the sweetness, the sense of humor, the instant connection and the overwhelming sexual chemistry. He thinks of Emily as the “love of his life,” and can’t wait to propose and become a step-father to her daughter.

And then there’s Jef! Emily thought he was “too cool,” and they had a slow start, but everything changed in London. He brings her out of his shell and makes her comfortable. He’s “crazy in love” with Emily, and his letter to her in Utah made her swoon practically to death. He, too, can’t wait to propose and have lots of babies with Emily.

Oh, wait. Just kidding. There IS finale footage. Except that it’s the same footage we saw last week. Emily will be “confused,” her mom will encourage her to “wait on any kind of engagement,” and Emily will break down in tears because she feels like she’s betraying both Jef and Arie. Will she give up her search? Or will she let one of the men go before the final rose ceremony? We’ll have to wait until Sunday to find out!

Well, that’s all for this season’s Men Tell All. Tell me: What did you think? To me, two hours seems like a really long time to never say anything new. But at least we got to see beautiful Sean (sans sunburn) and watch Kalon squirm. (Too bad he’ll be back in his element on Bachelor Pad.)

Of course, the biggest question of the night:
What’s going to happen in the finale? Do you believe the spoilers, or could a twist be coming? And what do you make of this news that the After the Final Rose will be LIVE? I’ve shared enough. Now it’s your turn. Comments, ahoy!

(Images courtesy of ABC)

Meghan Carlson

Senior Writer, BuddyTV

Meghan hails from Walla Walla, WA, the proud home of the world’s best sweet onions and Adam West, the original Batman. An avid grammarian and over-analyzer, you can usually find her thinking too hard about plot devices in favorites like The OfficeIt’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and How I Met Your Mother. In her spare time, Meghan enjoys drawing, shopping, trying to be funny (and often failing), and not understanding the whole Twilight thing. She’s got a BA in English and Studio Art from Whitman College, which makes her a professional arguer, daydreamer, and doodler.