We’ve all had bad dates. There’s the date where you’ve got nothing to talk about, the date where you just aren’t into the person and the date where the girl orders Sutter Home white zinfandel at a bar where the glass costs more than the bottle. (Anyone else? Just me? Okay.) And then there’s the worst, the date where everything the other person says just makes you angry.
This could be based on stupidity, like if he or she talks about the moon landing with air quotes or insists on referring to the president as Barack Hussein Obama (See: “Why I’m dumping you” letter.) It could also be the “I’m better than everyone else, including you” attitude or critical commentary or any number of things that just piss you off.
But I reckon none of you has gone out with two people you like, at the same time, who just don’t plain like each other and are intent on showing the other up. Because that’s what we’re in store for on The Bachelorette, and it will NOT end well. The question is, just how badly will it end for Desiree Hartsock and the two men involved?
And by the way, if you actually have been in that situation, you sure as hell better comment at the bottom of this article. Because we all want to hear about it, particularly how you set such a thing up without the help of reality show producers.
We’ve also got some serious James drama about to hit the Bachelorette fan, at least one romantic one-on-one date that doesn’t go awfully and some intense makeout sessions.
So get out your beverage of choice and keep the Abreva at the ready because, without further adieu, let’s go a-recapping.
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Ich Bin Ein Municher
After sending home previous worst-date-ever Brad and Chucks-with-his-tux Zack K., Desiree and her 11 remaining guys are packing their bags for icy Munich. Going from Atlantic City to Germany is like going from a Corona to a shot of Wild Turkey — it’s either going to be awesome or you’re getting sick. Methinks they’ll rely on their lips to warm things up in such a cold climate.
I can’t imagine what it’s like for your average German to see this collection of dudes get off a subway car together. They look like a gang of insanely well-dressed and perfectly-coiffed soccer hooligans, aka the least intimidating FC Bayern fans ever. But that’s what Desiree is into, so who am I to judge?
Ben and his decreasingly attractive face are very excited to be there, as he has never crossed an ocean before. Chris finds it beautiful and clean, particularly all the statues that appear to be peeing. Desiree is welcomed into a store and reveals she knows how to say “thank you” in yet another language (English, New Jerseyan and now German). Not so much for Hashtag Kasey, who drops what translates to “I will happily in Germany kiss you.”
The First Date Card Arrives
It says, “In Munich, we can fall in love with each other,” but it’s in German, so everyone just thinks it’s something angry. It goes to Chris, who is jacked to get the first international date, which everyone knows is more significant that domestic dates. There’s no such thing as true love without a passport.
No pickup necessary, as we jump right in to them strolling about the city with a map and a translation guide talking about how they look like tourists.
A Brief Break for Baby Bryden
We have to pull away from the date to head back to the hotel, where Bryden has realized that Desiree’s reassuring words were just a “quick little Band-Aid over a deeper [lack of attention] wound that didn’t really go away [because he has yet to get more attention].”
He complains to James about how his and Desiree’s relationship isn’t progressing the same way others are, and he is jumping ship. And he’s interrupting (and ruining) Chris and Desiree’s date to do so, because he juuuust can’t wait til they get back. He has to take his ball and go home NOW.
You’re Acting Like a Couple of Brats
Back on the date, Chris and Desiree take pictures with a live garden gnome/Pinocchio hybrid and sample some sausage (easy Chris, not til the fantasy suite!), and Chris asks if “cow” is a city in Germany. They stock up on lederhosen and dance in a square, and in a moment of perfectly-scripted irony, Chris talks about how nothing can go wrong. Then Bryden shows up.
Chris is quite humble about allowing Desiree to be stolen, so he must get that something serious is about to go down. Bryden reminds her that they talked previously and that she’s a fantastic person, but that he’s going home because this isn’t for him.
She’s upset but not shocked, questioning if she can count on the guys or if one day they’ll all just leave, while Bryden thinks he made the right decision because “obviously she is progressing at a way faster rate than I am.”
Save the Date
Through tears, Des vows this will not ruin her day with Chris and decides to not even discuss it. But it unsettles him to not know what happened, and he thinks trust and being able to talk about stuff is important, so he broaches the issue, ensures her that he’s there for the long haul and comforts her. That’s how you turn a negative into a positive. Subtract Bryden, add Chris, divide the tension and multiply the love. (Yes, that’s the clean version.)
They have dinner in someone’s palace residence, and the wine is flowing and chemistry vibing. Chris’ last girlfriend wasn’t in the relationship-y place, and her last boyfriend wasn’t expressive and couldn’t say I love you. They’ve both learned what they’re looking for from their past experiences, and that just could be each other.
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Brace for the Cringe
Chris has written a poem for Desiree, and I’m biting my lip in awkward anticipation, particularly after his last soiree into the written word. This one is called “Thoughts So True,” and it reads:
While I stand there, waiting, watching you
Your dress so perfect, you look so cute
You reach for red, a chance you’ll take
The choice is right and your mind is made.
While I stand there, waiting, my thoughts run free
Thoughts of past relationships, old to me
Girls I used to think were true
All out of mind as I think of you.
The plan here now, not up to me
Feelings eternal, if you choose me.
Now seriously, who doesn’t think he should’ve brought Juan Pablo out to read that? It’s risky to put your cheesy and not-great-but-sweet poetry (really? You rhymed “me” with “me”) out there in front of America, but if you added that accent to it, even I would’ve melted. Desiree cries for the second time today, Chris gets a rose, and a private Matt White concert and smooching ensue.
Chris is falling in love, and he know she feels the same. Hope you’re ready for a lifetime of those poems, Des. What will they be like when you’re 80?
We are old, we smell like mold
Our kids are grown and don’t do what they’re told
We met on television back in 2013
It’s a bit of technology our grandkids have never seen (presumably because TVs don’t exist in their present form, replaced by some sort of technology I can’t imagine yet).
We’ll be together forever, until our time ends
I’ll walk you to bingo and change your Depends
Thanks to advancements in medicine, we’ll grow super old
But after a hundred years, our love never gets old.
And when it’s all over, when my bride is dead
I’ll go on Bachelor Pad 56, and try to get some … anyway.
Hope the poetry keeps things fresh…
Heating up the Alps on a Group Date
Juan Pablo, James, Kasey, Zak, Brooks, Drew and Mikey T. are invited to climb the highest mountain for Desiree. That means that (in another seemingly too-good-to-be-true scripted moment) archenemies Michael G. and Ben are going on the two-on-one date.
Ben thinks it will go bad for Michael, because he has a stronger connection with Desiree. Michael is taking a slightly different approach, describing it as a nightmare date with a man he finds repulsive. But instead of focusing on the woman, he sets out to prove that Ben is a fraud and vows to “go out and murder Ben” in this gladiator-style setting. I can hear the fluttering of women’s hearts across America. Johann Wolfgang von Goethe couldn’t have spoken more romantically.
I feel like we’re getting a little long, so…
Rapid Fire Group Date
They ride up the mountain in a gondola, some dude yodeling like the Cliffhangers song in The Price is Right gives the guys lessons and my cats get scared. They sled down the hill, have a snowball fight and warm up over cocktails in an igloo ice mansion.
Desiree makes out with Brooks, builds a snowman family with Mikey and gets stolen by a singing Zak, who once thought he was going to be a priest but decided he likes girls too much. She gives kisses to James, who Brooks and Drew think is two-faced, vulgar and a player with the guys and nice with Des. Brooks gets the rose. James is pissed. He also wears his scarf in a way no man should. It looks like he’s wearing a Christmas wreath around his neck.
Three’s a Crowd
As the date — two guys, one rose, one stays, one goes (did Chris write that?) — approaches, Michael just gets angrier and angrier and ramps up the profanity, saying he will use his skills as a prosecutor to convict Ben of fraud and impersonating a southern gentleman. Ben vows to take whatever Michael says in stride and be “Christian” about it. This is about to get awkward.
Desiree fakes a Polar Bear plunge (since she didn’t get to do it on The Bachelor), but they’re really going on the lake in a “hot tug,” which may be the coolest thing I could ever imagine doing on a freezing body of water. A hot tug (keep it clean, folks) is a little floating woodfire- hot tub boat, which Desiree almost immediately crashes.
Things aren’t going as badly as expected, until Desiree asks what the guys look for in a relationship. Michael takes the opposite side of everything Ben says, then peppers Ben with questions about his son and his relationship with little Brody’s mother. Then he compares Ben’s situation to his own father leaving the family. Desiree is growing uncomfortable as Michael pushes Ben’s buttons and Ben struggles to keep his cool.
C’mon, Frontrunner Drew, Do Something
He was my initial pick (along with the quickly-eliminated sign spinner), but so far he has yet to stand out much other than with his dashing good looks and eight-pack. But he and Kasey feel the need to share with Brooks and Chris about a conversation they overheard Mikey and James having during the ride back from the group date.
They apparently discussed “running Chicago” and getting laid a lot, and how placing in the top four would give James a good shot to be the next Bachelor. Drew is willing to tell Desiree what they overheard, because he wants her to stay faithful with the guys who are there for the right reasons.
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From Bad to Worse
Both guys are going to get one-on-one time, but Michael can’t wait and lays it all on the table. He asks why Ben can’t get along with the other guys, then talks over the response about how important a quality that is. Desiree quietly and awkwardly asks if they can just talk about that later and asks them about family traditions.
Ben says having family Sundays and going to church is important, and Michael chimes in that Ben missed church on Easter. Apparently, there was a Catholic service that was in German, so Ben skipped it (as most actual Catholics likely would’ve done). But the I’m-a-different-religion argument doesn’t work on Michael, because there was also a Mormon at the service. From what I can gather, it was not Jef Holm.
There were other denominations there too, and all the guys went except for Ben. He says Easter is a family thing and it was tough to be away from his son that day, and Michael points out he didn’t even talk to Brody while Christ was resurrecting. Ben excuses himself so as to not flip the table and lose the huge edge he presently has on the date.
What Could Possibly Happen Next?
Ben is doing an amazing job restraining himself, and Desiree tells Michael in private that just because he goes to church and Ben might not does not mean that Michael is closer to God. Yes, she completely misses the point, and Michael says he is just trying to show that Ben is different from how he portrays himself.
Michael thought challenging Ben’s assertions would provoke a response from him, but after Desiree says how uncomfortable she is, he realizes his chances for a rose have gone up in flames.
Desiree checks up on Ben, who has never had his faith or his fathering skills questioned. She reassures him, but the fact that so many guys have issues with Ben is a clear red flag. Still, he’s sweet to her and she thinks he has the right intentions, so she’s torn.
Michael gets his shot, and Desiree interrupts his apology to ask what the F is going on in the house. Michael says Ben is arrogant, talks more about expanding his bar business than his son and is very different from how he acts around her.
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In the end, Desiree says she is giving the rose to the person she could see herself having a future with, and that is MICHAEL! Seriously, did anyone see that coming? Since when has a Bachelor or Bachelorette ever made such a smart decision based on intuition? Keep the guy who is basically cross-examining another dude about his religion? Preposterous!
Michael is more relieved that happy, and Ben declines to let Desiree walk him out. He storms off, spouting profanity, and Des gives chase. He is mumbling and cursing until she catches up with him, then he reverts back to the gentleman who respects her decision, even though he disagrees with it.
Michael apologizes for putting Des in an awkward position, and he has some serious damage control to deal with if he wants to stick around another week. Back at the hotel, the guys hoot and holler when Ben’s bag is taken from the suite.
In the limo, Ben vows to get drunk and be seen in public with women as soon as contractually possible. Sadly, I don’t think statements like that will prevent it from becoming a reality after this episode airs. Cause girls are dumb.
A Rose Ceremony with a Twist
In a Q&A with Chris Harrison, Desiree admits that, given a choice, she’d have her deep sentimental kiss with Brooks, but that Zak has the passionate liplock. Then they express the fundamental difference between The Bachelor and The Bachelorette.
In the former, it’s a guy picking from a few dozen girls. In the latter, it’s a girl picking a guy from a few dozen guys who also picks her. The sense of competition and emotion is just different when it’s the girl putting her heart on the line. Unless it’s Jason Mesnick. Then the traditional roles are unclear (and he’s one of the few that worked out!).
While the guys debate how they’ll discuss the James issue with Desiree, she announces she is foregoing the cocktail party because she doesn’t need any more one-on-one time. It’s straight to the roses.
Chris, Brooks and Michael are safe, but one more guy has to go. The five men getting roses are:
Juan Pablo (who my girlfriend said she would only keep around until the overnight dates)
Drew (woo hoo!)
That means it’s the end of line for plumber Mikey T., who merely wishes her luck before hopping into the limo. At least he has his brother Luigi waiting at home.
Drew, although a favorite of mine, is seriously getting too distracted with James at this point, and he promises to tell her what he heard. He needs to freshen up on Bachelorette 101, because this is not the way to do things, Drew. You need to make a name for yourself first. Here’s hoping he gets a one-on-one date and focuses on Desiree.
Next week, we’re off to Barcelona, where Desiree apparently kisses everyone. Kasey confronts James, which leads to man tears and a very distraught Bachelorette who resents the guys for putting her in a pickle. When James sticks around, all the guys have a pow wow sit-down, where they smoke peyote and mash out their feelings. Can’t wait for that. See you then!
You can watch The Bachelorette every Monday at 8pm on ABC.
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(Image courtesy of ABC)