Okay, ABC. I’m getting a little tired of your emotional manipulation. Your teaser promo for the June 29, episode of The Bachelorette had me believing that the Nick shit had finally hit the fan. But all you did was meticulously edit show footage that was really about Kaitlyn paying Shawn a late-night visit (some might call it a booty call) while they were in San Antonio that left him convinced he was “the one.” Mainly because that’s what Kaitlyn told him.
But while I was denied Kaitlyn’s dramatic revelation to the remaining bachelors that she banged Nick, Chris Harrison did drop a bombshell that made my job a whole lot easier: Kaitlyn has narrowed her choices down to three guys in time for the fantasy-suite dates which will take place before the hometown visits.
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Girlfriend cut Tanner and Ben Z. loose as I thought she would, and I was certain Joe was next, but during their date, he conveniently opened up and said he was falling in love with Kaitlyn. The guy barely got to first base during a group date, but whatevs. This guy is not getting any further because while Kaitlyn may have used him as an emotional pick-me-up, her feelings go no deeper. Joe is like human Zoloft.
My head is still spinning that Kaitlyn called JJ edgy. Really?! The guy looks like a lost Romney. I’d be willing to bet my life he’s got a belt emblazoned with turtles in his closet somewhere. We already know Kaitlyn has always been clueless where JJ’s concerned. I think if he hadn’t admitted to being an adulterer, he would have made the cut, but that’s a hard confession to come back from. Good riddance as far as I’m concerned. First he was Team Britt, then Team Clint. He should have gone home long ago.
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Kaitlyn and Jared
How does Jared get his hair to look so perfectly uncoiffed? He’s funny and totes adorbs and completely charming. He’s managed, unlike Shawn B., to be attentive to Kaitlyn without crossing over into the stalker zone, and unlike Nick, Jared’s motives aren’t questionable.
A big warning sign that Jared isn’t going to get his happily ever after is Kaitlyn hasn’t made any off-camera trips to his room like she did with Shawn and Ben H.. I think Kaitlyn likes a little bit of a bad boy, and Jared is just too nice. The kid is also incredibly low maintenance. Jared isn’t a drama queen like some of these guys. Yeah, I’m talking about you Shawn B. and Nick.
Kaitlyn and Cupcake
Kaitlyn dragged Chris “Cupcake” to the top of the Cliffs of Moher and, in the final minutes of the episode, drop kicked the guy’s heart off the edge and into the icy Atlantic below. The new “twist” must have ignited in her a sense of urgency, but I’m still a bit thrown. I would have put money on this guy making it further than Joe. Well, I did. Until Cupcake started bawling like a big old baby over a woman he’s known a few weeks. She didn’t die, guy.
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Who Will Go Home
When it comes to handing out roses, Kaitlyn moves like she’s got molasses in her ass, so I have a hard time seeing her getting through two dates, the fantasy suites, and hometowns in one episode. I’m going to predict that two guys become losers in love this week, Joe and Jared.
The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 8pm on ABC.
(Image Courtesy of ABC)