The Bachelor is back for a two-night epic bonanza of crazy, complete with another trip to the emergency room for one of the women. I know these girls are fighting for Sean Lowe‘s affection, but let’s keep the injuries to a minimum here. It’s already the most violent season in the show’s history, and we’re only halfway through.

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Why we need two episodes in the same week will hopefully make sense eventually, but for now, four hours in two days just just seems excessive. The gang is heading to the Rocky Mountains, where sparks fly and fireworks explode in several relationships. Tierra apparently gets evil-er, which doesn’t bode well for Desiree and Robyn. The two-on-one dates also begin this week, meaning heightened drama and mid-date eliminations. Let’s get to it.

It’s the first time Sean doesn’t kick off the show topless, as it would probably be weird if he flew to Montana without a shirt in the airplane. Daniella, one of only two of the 11 remaining women who hasn’t forged a connection with Sean yet, is excited to see her “boyfriend.” Ouch.

Good Start in the Rockies

The first date card arrives, and it’s the one-on-one. Lindsay will “Let Love Soar,” much to Tierra’s dismay. Lindsay is tiny and cute and will be taking a (shocking!) helicopter ride with Sean to tour Glacier National Park, but let’s not forget she wore a wedding dress on the first night. Sean calls their ride “the most bad-ass helicopter,” which is a travesty because he clearly never watched Airwolf growing up. He initially thought Lindsay was too crazy for him, but now wants to find out if she could be his wife. 

They have a little mountainside picnic, and it looks like it’s freezing out. They’re bundled up and do some wind-blown smooching. I wonder if they pre-screen for herpes, cause if one of these ladies got a cold sore, it’d be an Abreva commercial waiting to happen.

Lindsay and Sean share wine and kisses and tales of their childhood during a fireside chat in a lodge. She was an Army kid who moved around a lot and now wants more stability in her personal life, which Sean respects because he wants to settle down as well. Sean gives her a rose, and his tendency to fall in love on one-on-one dates remains disturbingly high. There’s going to be a lot of broken hearts at the end of this. 

They cap off their date with a concert by Sarah Darling, which the entire town turns out to watch with the happy couple. It’s easily the most exciting event that’s ever happened in the tiny town of Whitefish, Montana. Lindsay says Sean is “very good looking on the eyes.”

On a side note, here are the bizarre lyrics to one of Sarah Darling’s songs: “I want to be your cigarette, I want to linger on your breath. Be the taste you can’t forget, you can’t put down.” Gross. 

A Logger’s Dream Group Date

Selma, AshLee, Desiree, Catherine, Sarah, Lesley, Robyn and Daniella are going on the group date, “You make my heart race…,” which means Tierra and Jackie will be squaring off in the two-on-one. Tierra is “as happy as a little bumble bee filled with honey,” according to AshLee, but Jackie is worried Sean won’t see Tierra’s true colors in time to save herself. 

The eight women head outdoors for “The Bachelor‘s Montana Wilderness Relay Race.” Selma can’t kiss Sean on TV, but she has no problems jumping into his arms and wrapping her legs around him. She really needs to stop calling him Prince Charming, too. He probably just prefers “Sean.”

Chris Harrison breaks up the women into teams of four, and they’ll be racing canoes, bucking hay, sawing through logs, milking goats and drinking the milk. Whoever finishes first gets the night with Sean, and Desiree and Lesley are all about goat’s milk for love. The red team is Sarah, Desiree, Robyn and Selma (who is disgusted by this contest), and that means AshLee, Lesley, Daniella and Catherine are on the blue team.

Catherine and Lesley get off to a fast start in their canoe, but they first steer themselves into some brush and then row backwards. Selma and Robyn are just a mess. The blue team docks their boat, but Daniella and AshLee struggle as their hay bales fall apart. That allows Sarah and Desiree to pass them, and it’s on to the cross-cut. The red team stays ahead, but then the goat kicks over their milk jug. Desiree sticks with it, though, and chugs that milk with reckless abandon before the blue team can even fill their jar. 

Lesley, AshLee, Catherine and Daniella head back to the lodge, and Lesley is pissed at losing, pissed at weak players and pissed at missing alone time with Sean (her words). I expect a nasty tone for those women this evening, though apparently Tierra will ensure that fate for everyone. 

Then Sean decides to break the rules and invite the losers back for the night. They had already put on the sweats and started drinking, but then Chris delivers a date card requesting their return. Time to get ready again, ladies! Daniella says, “The girls are literally going to die when we show up.” God, I hope not! 

Tierra is suddenly livid about getting the two-on-one date, and she feels like Sean is misleading her. So she decides she’s going to see him, because if Sean can bend the rules, so can she.

Meanwhile, Sean breaks the news to the winning team, and Desiree realizes she drank the milk for no reason. The women are not happy, and in another upstanding television moment, Selma call it a “crock of sh*t.” Sarah gets some alone time first, and I feel their connection fading a bit. 

Sean is talking about how he is happy with his decision to bring the blue team back when Tierra sneaks up behind him and covers his eyes in a “surprise” moment. She confronts him for, like, the 13th time about his intentions and how she’s feeling neglected. She calls her actions “bold,” whereas everyone else sees it as “crazy.” She refers to the two-on-one she was previously excited about as “a slap in the face,” and she’s so forward and pushy that Sean has just about had enough of her. Everyone else (in America) has.

Desiree expresses her frustration over the effort she put into the challenge for no apparent reason, but I think Sean will consider the winning team when dispensing his rose. Even though his connection appears to be better with a couple blue teamers than, say, Robyn or Sarah (and Selma might be on the outs as well), I imagine he’ll give the rose to Desiree because of her hard work. Conversely, I do not think he’d have brought the red team back had the blue team won.

Sean says he just wants to snuggle with Catherine, who has really come a long way in the last two episodes. Unfortunately, when push comes to shove, I sill see her ending up in the friend zone and making it only as far as the hometown dates. Daniella walks in on Catherine sitting on his lap, and she breaks down over her lack of connection with Sean. He reassures her, and they do some tongue kissing. She is getting desperate. Are you watching, Selma? After that conversation, Sean gives the rose to Daniella, which enrages the red team members who think one of them deserves it. Robyn, in particular, is losing her cool.

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Who is the Third Wheel?

The theme of the two-on-one is “Love is a wild ride,” and Jackie has no idea Tierra snuck away to see Sean. Still, she is hopeful Sean will come to his senses. They head to a horse ranch, where Tierra quips with an evil grin, “Jackie has no idea she’s on a date with me and my husband.” And the way she says “That’s the best part!” reminds me of the scene in The Shawshank Redemption where the serial killer confesses to Tommy in prison that he was the one who killed Andy’s wife and her golfer pro lover. 

Poor Jackie’s horse trots about 20 feet behind Sean’s and Tierra’s, so she decides she’s going to “run the date” when they get to the top of the hill. But her way of doing that is to spill the beans about Tierra’s true character, which means she has never paid attention to any of the previous 16 seasons of The Bachelor. Sean asks her where she sees herself in a year, and she takes the opportunity to tell him that Tierra flirted with a cute guy in the airport. Weaksauce. She feels good about throwing Tierra under the bus, but we all know how this ends. The girl who rats out the other girl never wins. They kiss, but Sean is already pulling back emotionally. Jackie, however, says she can feel herself falling in love. 

The rose looms large over their dinner, and as the situation grows more tense and awkward, Sean pulls Tierra aside to get some answers. She tells a sob story about her five-year relationship with a guy who was in and out of rehab, and she stuck by his side no matter what until he passed away in 2009. When he died, she lost her best friend, and that’s why she has such trust issues when it comes to getting attached to someone. It’s a shame for her that everyone will question whether that story is true, as many people still believe she intentionally threw herself down the stairs.

Sean makes sure that Jackie finishes her fish before he gives the rose to Tierra. It was never a question, because we already saw Tierra in the date preview for Tuesday. Didn’t want to spoil anything before it happened, though. 

Tierra and Sean hike down to a little late-night campfire, where the couple cuddles while watching some fireworks. The women spot Tierra from the lodge and are upset for Jackie, who cries in her limo ride home. Tierra gloats to the camera about her victory, and her laughing is seriously maniacal. It doesn’t take much editing to make her look evil. 

War of the Roses

The remaining 10 women head to the cocktail party to prep for the rose ceremony, where one more will be sent home. Sean hangs out with Desiree, who is frustrated because he seems to give roses to girls who need reassuring instead of the ones he has the best connections with. But he tells her she doesn’t have to worry, so she doesn’t have to let her borderline crazy get in the way yet. I still see a meltdown in her future when things get more serious. He asks her point-blank about Tierra, but she dodges the question, which leads him to believe her confusion is more about a lack of trust. Still smarter than bashing Tierra, though.

Robyn, Catherine and Lesley confront Tierra after she storms out on the group and sits alone by the fire. She lays it out that she doesn’t care about what anyone thinks, and she’s sick of everyone being childish and glancing at each other behind her back. She correctly points out that it’s the other women’s insecurities that are making this an issue, but also says that while she likes Sean, she could easily get engaged if she wanted to because there’s plenty of men out there. That doesn’t sit well, but these ladies still need to keep their eyes on the prize and not get so distracted. 

Sean walks right past Tierra and Robyn during the height of the argument, and he’s shocked to see her acting differently. He grabs her immediately and takes her outside, where she explains that the girls are attacking her in out-of-control fashion. Sean doesn’t like to see Tierra upset, but he also spots the red flags waving in the Montana breeze. He asks Lindsay if Tierra has done anything to directly affect him. She says no, not directly, but that Tierra doesn’t have any relationships with any girls in the house and isn’t nice in the group setting. It’s the most honest answer he’s gotten so far, but he still feels like he needs to do more digging. 

Sean tells Chris he was disappointed in how the week turned out. He doesn’t want to be naive, but he also doesn’t want all the crap talk to be strictly about the women simply not liking Tierra? If it doesn’t affect him personally, why are they wasting their time talking about her? He’s so turned off by the drama that for the first time, he seriously doubts his wife is in that room.

Roses of Uncertainty 

Much to everyone’s dismay, Sean is not taking away Tierra’s rose. Instead, he gives them out to Selma, Catherine, Lesley, AshLee and Sarah. With Tierra, Daniella and Lindsay safe, that means either Robyn or Sarah is heading home. The final rose, of course, goes to Desiree, which means Robyn is out. He clearly viewed her as the main instigator and the woman behind most of the Tierra drama. I predicted that Robyn would be the first eliminated specifically because of Tierra, but if you voted in the poll last week, she wasn’t the pick. The award for first Tierra-related elimination goes to Jackie (or “someone else” in the poll), who was doomed from the start of the two-on-one date. The 56% who picked Robyn certainly weren’t far off.

That means we won’t have our first African American winner, as all four black women have now been eliminated. Impressively, though, they outlasted the models after Amanda was sent home last week. 

So after all the drama and tension, do you think Sean will be able to reconcile his feelings for the other women? Were any of your favorites eliminated? Who do you see, at this point, reaching the final four? How many more women will Tierra take down?

The two-night fiesta continues Tuesday, when Tierra apparently fakes a hypothermic coma to get more attention. AshLee is the next one to “talk” to Sean about Tierra’s true intentions, followed by everyone else. Why don’t they realize they’re just keeping the drama going and preventing Sean from seeing things in his own time? It’s so mind-bogglingly stupid, and it may be the first time every single woman has allied themselves so strongly against another in such an open way. 

Watch The Bachelor Mondays (and, apparently, sometimes Tuesdays) at 8pm on ABC.

Compete in Fantasy TV: Make your picks on who you think will be going home. Hurry, you have until February 5 at 12pm PST to cast your vote!

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(Image courtesy of ABC)

Bill King

Contributing Writer, BuddyTV

Emmy-winning news producer & former BuddyTV blogger. Lover of Philly sports, Ned, Zoe, Liam and Delaine…not in that order