This week on The Bachelor, one girl does her best impression of a billy goat, a few ladies draw short straws and wind up in a sad roller derby spectacle and one gets bounced from the mansion on date night, but at least she gets a sparkly parting gift. 

Oh, and also, Tierra threw another tantrum.

Selma and the Single-Wide

Every time the doorbell rings with a new “date card” the girls have two thoughts: 1) Will I be the chosen one and 2) What kind of breathtaking adventure will I have? Sometimes they hit the jackpot, and sometimes, after they’ve walked down the red carpet and ascended the stairs to a private jet, they find out they’re wearing yoga pants for a reason and they’ll be spending the day climbing a big rock in the desert. Sorry about your luck, Selma.

In my opinion, Selma’s date with Sean was one big “gotcha.” After being a sport and climbing the rock, she strapped on some heels and got ready for the evening. I’m sure she was thinking, “Okay, I’ve paid my dues so now I get my romantic dinner, right?” Wrong. Sean takes that poor girl to a mini trailer park where they sit in a big lawn chair. Her retaliation? Telling Sean she can’t kiss him because of her strict Muslim culture. Ha. Take THAT, Sean. Honey, you stick to that story until he buys you a steak and some Tiramasu. Mama didn’t raise no dummy.

Recap: Terrible Tierra and a Taste of Chocolate 

Skater Girls

I have a confession. This is my first season of The Bachelor. Many things about the show confound me, particularly the group date. So, from what I gather, the producers pick a few girls and put them in uber-competitive situations where they vie for Sean’s attention simultaneously, right? Genius. This week they suited ’em up and sent them to a roller derby rink where they fumbled, fell, slid and skid but did not actually skate. 

And excuse me, but who was the asshat producer that decided to send Sarah on this excursion? Um, Sarah is missing part of an arm, which I would think would be handy for balance. That’s just rude, The Bachelor

Bad Karma and Unfortunate Lipstick

After smack-talking for most of the day, Amanda performed a spectacular faceplant resulting in a quick trip to the ER. Her jaw was fine but her taste in beauty products clearly suffered a blow she could not recover from. During the rose ceremony her unfortunate mauve lipstick caused her to be sent home. At least that’s why *I* would’ve sent her home. 

Nice Girls Finish Last But Keep The Goodies

The “bless her heart” award goes to Leslie H. who was lucky enough to get the second one-on-one date which included diamond earrings and a shopping spree on Rodeo Drive. She was excited to get the, “whole Pretty Woman treatment,” and aside from the prostitution and smack in the face by George from Seinfeld, I was rooting for her to get the whole treatment. Leslie H. is an adorable girl with a big laugh who touches her hair when she’s nervous and frequently says, “holy moly” and “winner winner chicken dinner.” Sean, however, was just not, “feelin it” so he sent her home without a rose. At least she got to keep the bling.

Antibacterial Carmex, Anyone?

The cocktail party segment of the show still creeps me out. It’s basically a PG-rated orgy where they play, “pass the herpes lip gloss” for two hours. Sean says its designed to give him more time with the girls but clearly its sole purpose is to turn the mansion in to a giant pot teeming with estrogen and jealousy. Mmm, delicious. 

Previews for next week include a two-night episode. Sean takes his ladies on a little vay-cay where the snow is cold, the drama is hot and oh for the love of — the medical team has to be called in for Tierra again. That squeaky wheel gets allll the grease.  

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(Image courtesy of ABC)


Contributing Writer, BuddyTV