Survivor: Micronesia (or Survivor: Fans vs. Favorites…can we decide on one name, please?) premieres this Thursday on CBS, which means it’s time for us at BuddyTV to give our completely arbitrary predictions for the contestants. This has become a ritual at BuddyTV and, while we say these predictions are arbitrary in nature, our track record is pretty damn good. And when I say “our,” I really mean “my.” It’s a complicated process, these predictions – let’s just say my process involves tarot cards, a few of my local Seattle gypsies, pots of highly caffeinated coffee and some blueberry muffins. It’s a tried and true formula, believe me. Today, we’re going to look at the group of ten “fans” who were chosen by CBS to compete against ten Survivor favorites, in order of predicted finish.
#10 – Kathleen Sleckman
Kathleen works as a golf cart waitresses at a golf course. She’s in her mid-forties and she strikes me as the type of lady who will be voted off first. I don’t see her bonding with any of her fellow tribe members. She’s going to be uppity from the get-go as well, inciting the rage of Chet Welsh, who we’ll get to in a bit.
#9 – Alexis Jones
Alexis just won’t have the killer instinct. This sportscaster will be chewed up and spit out by the more tenacious and clever members of her tribe. At tribal, Alexis will think she’s safe – she’s not. She will cry into the camera after being voted off.
#8 – Jason Siska
The former nude art model and current gymnastics coach with flowing hair (much like the UPS White Board guy), Jason will draw the ire of all the other men in the fans tribe. You see, Jason is a consummate, if not a little sleazy, ladies man. He will make cougar Tracy Wolf his conquest – Joel the Fireman and Chet the Pageant Coach will lead the charge to vote Jason out. It will be a close vote, with Tracy casting the deciding vote.
#7 – Erik Reichenbach
Erik fancies himself a younger version of Jonny Fairplay, but there can be only one Fairplay. His attempts to shake things up in camp will go down in flames. After awhile, his tribe mates will simply become fed up with his antics. An early alliance with the suave Mikey will keep him within the realm of safety but Mikey will quickly realize the perils of holding onto dead weight like Erik and he’ll sacrifice him in a long-term plan to appease the tribe. After being voted off, Erik will curse every member of his tribe. It will not be pretty.
#6 – Mary Sartain
Mary and her large, probably fake, breasts will try to charm her way further into the game. It will work for awhile, and Natalie will be on her side, but as the merge approaches, the fans will recognize Mary’s lack of challenge prowess as a big time weakness. Also, her fandom will border on creepy in regards to the Survivor favorites. This is another concern for the fans and they will attempt to break up the alliance of Natalie and Mary before they are allowed to befriend the likes of James Clement and Jonny Fairplay.
#5 – Natalie Bolton
Everyone likes Natalie. The men enjoy her company and her ability in the challenges will surprise everyone. As the last eliminated fan before the merge, the rest of her tribe will simply view her as too big of a threat going forward. Natalie will believe she is safe, though a last second coup from Chet and Tracy will seal her fate. Blind-sided right before the merge.
#4 – Joel Anderson
The remaining favorites will immediately single out the big firefighter as their biggest physical threat. With a tenuous promise of cross-tribe alliances, the favorites will convince Chet, Tracy and Mikey to rid themselves of the lovable Joel. Joel and James will hit it off when the merge comes, but James won’t let the bond get in the way of the game.
#3 – Chet Welsh
Chet will consider himself the grand puppet master of the fans’ camp. Things will play out nicely until a communal realization that Chet has made nice with every one of the jury members will force the others’ hands – Chet has to go for their sake. Chet, after narrowly losing the individual immunity, will be at peace with his fate. Tracy will attempt to rally support to keep Chet at the last second, but her attempt will fall agonizingly short.
#2 – Tracy Hughes-Wolf
The attractive older lady will be one of the highlights of the season. She is a warrior, fending off near eliminations almost every episode. Her intense focus and ability to rally the troops will keep her in high-esteem, but in the end, the last few castaways will realize that she would most likely win any jury vote. Tracy has to go.
#1 – Mikey Bortone
I’m not sure if Mikey will win it all (my seeing powers are limited as such), but Mikey will be in that final tribal council. Mikey will have run an under-the-radar, yet flawless game, much like Amanda last season. It will come down to his performance in that final tribal council. Will he be able to convince enough members of the jury that he was, in fact, integral in much of the game play that led him to the finals?
-Oscar Dahl, BuddyTV Senior Writer
(Image Courtesy of CBS)