In this episode of Secrets and Wives, “There’s Thumb-Thing About Liza,” Cori has doubts about Sandy’s fidelity, Susan throws a big birthday party for her son and Jonathan continues to offend some of the other women.
Susan gets home from Fire Island and tells Jonathan that the rest of the women made it abundantly clear they think he’s an asshole. Susan asks him to promise to tone it down the next time the group is together, but Jonathan can’t make any promises. Hey! It’s just his personality and there’s nothing he can do about it. One woman’s asshole is another woman’s life of the party. Susan lets him know that he’ll get a chance to change his spots when the girls attend their son Ian’s birthday party. Less is more, Jonathan.
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It’s Not a Party Until Something Gets Broken
Amy can’t catch a break. While she suffered through a “friend-tervention” on Fire Island, her son, Max, had a party. He broke a pricey piece of furniture and was then stupid enough to post a picture of the aftermath on Instagram. Kids today. Too stupid to learn how to cover their tracks.
Amy is pissed, but Max knows how to push his mom’s buttons, and he switches from defensive to contrite as soon as he realizes mom means business. Amy melts like butter and goes from scolding to pleading. She begs her son to pull it together or she will throw him out on his ass. Something tells me Max has heard that threat many, many times before.
A Suspicious Text
Sandy and Cori are experiencing a bit of marital strife. Sandy would like to take a vacay, but Cori has to work and doesn’t want him going anywhere without her. She admits she doesn’t trust him.
Sandy doesn’t have much to offer. He doesn’t have the means to entice a mistress and he certainly doesn’t have the looks. I can’t see how he could do better than Cori. But he must be incredibly charming off-camera because he does have all those female contacts in his phone.
Sandy even has an ex texting him. Cori “happened” to see it and it read, “I miss everything about you. Let’s check into a hotel room.” Really? I just can’t even take this seriously. The guy is your prototypical schmuck. He talks about anal bleaching, for the love of Pete. These women are all crazy when it comes to their men, but the only males I’ve seen worth getting hot and bothered over are Liza’s gay friends, Pat and Glenn.
I was under the impression these two were attached at the hip, having sunk every last dime into their spa, but that doesn’t seem to be the case. Sandy has a lot of “deals” going on and his whereabouts are often unaccounted for.
Cori wants to do marriage counseling. Cori, marriage counseling doesn’t stop desperate divorcees from trying to bed your man.
Sandy tells Cori that if he wanted out, he’d leave. Sandy agrees to go if it means Cori will be happy. In other words, if it will get her off his back.
Secrets and Wives is like Seinfeld; it’s a show about nothing. Except that it’s not the least bit funny or watchable. Halfway through this episode, I’ve watched Max and his dad, Amy’s ex, fix a table, watched the Greenbergs play tennis against the Goldfarbs and wondered how Susan, who works in fashion marketing, can go to work in bright orange short-shorts with a matching jacket over a shirt two sizes too small and purple lipstick. I don’t know why Andi is even a cast member because she brings even less to the table than the rest and that means she’s got a pulse and that’s about it.
The big event of the episode is a 5-year-old boy’s birthday party. There are old goats, clowns, asses — and that’s just the guest list. Susan keeps telling Jonathan to be nice. I think she needs to maybe sit down and explain the standard definition of the word because in Jonathan’s mind, he is nice. That is, if nice means, as Cori puts it, a cross between Andrew Dice Clay and Rodney Dangerfield, but not that talented.
Everybody behaves. Okay, Liza brings a flask because it’s just too much to ask that she remain sober for a few hours. Amy and Liza bust Amy’s ex-husband Mark’s ass for giving Amy a hand-me-down ring. If you recall, he was engaged to Liza first.
Gail shows up with yellow roses for Susan. The two have maintained a ceasefire for almost an entire episode already. The gang climbs into one of the bouncy houses. Having recently done this myself and face-planted, I wouldn’t suggest it. And I’m counting the minutes until the episode ends.
Just when I’d given up all hope of something remotely interesting happening, Jonathan comes through. As Liza bends over to put her shoes back on after emerging from the bouncy house, Jonathan sticks his thumb up her ass. There is a God, and apparently he’s a Bravo fan.
Things get even better when Liza gently shoves Jonathan and tells him not to violate her rectum, and he grabs her boob in response. Or pokes her boob, whatever. He touches Liza’s boob.
Liza tells Jonathan he’s being inappropriate, and he tells her to relax. But Liza’s not one to be pacified, and she calls the guy out for being inconsiderate and rude.
Cori and Liza have had enough and decide to get out while the getting is good, but not before they tell Susan about Jonathan’s affection for Liza’s rectum. Susan blows it off and chalks it up to Jonathan having the humor of a 5-year-old. Susan, I think you mean the intellect of a 5-year-old.
The butt thing doesn’t phase Susan, but when she learns that her hubby touched Liza’s boob, then she gets annoyed. She confronts Jonathan, and he swears that Liza backed her bum into his thumb. Yeah, pull this leg and it plays jingle bells. Thank goodness I’m not the president with my finger on the button because I’d aim a nuclear missile right at the North Shore.
Secrets and Wives airs Tuesdays at 10pm on Bravo.
(Image courtesy of Bravo)